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Whats wrong with me?
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Whats wrong with me?

Hi! I'm James, fairly new here and to be honest I created an account in hopes that there would be someone else out there who could relate to my situation or could give me some beneficial advice. Feel free to be very open in your responses because I want an as honest opinion as possible.

Just a quick background, I'm 20 years old. Doing part time school / part time work. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in the 8th grade and tried quite an assortment of meds to tackle it in order to improve my behavior and grades in general. In the beginning of 11th grade I visited a new psychiatrist, since I had moved and needed a new prescription and he proceeded in reinforcing my ADD diagnosis, but also diagnosed me with oppositional defiance and manic depression. So far I've only been taking Focalin XR since I first started meds back in 8th grade. Others were tried but they had bad side effects. Sadly, that psychiatrist was too expensive so we couldn't continue, but I continued to take focalin until I graduated high school in 2011. After that I joined the military and proceeded to living life without medication. It wasn't allowed in order to enter. I ended getting chartered out and recently moved back home where I've been living with my parents and taking focalin 30mg XR again.

The reason I come to you all is because I feel as if I'm slipping into something like psychosis. Previously when I stopped medication to join the military, I felt a hovering presence, like an alternate personality in the back of my head. Another version of me I guess you could say. I didn't think too much of it back then, but let's move forward to recent times. I'm slipping. I'm split between trying to decide how to perceive things. I feel like a fake version of myself when I take my focalin. It's been like that the whole time but it wasn't until recently that it really affected me. I don't want to take meds to be acceptable as a person. I want to be able to be successful by being me, not some dosed up version of what it makes me. I find myself more frequently just doing nothing. An example would be me sitting somewhere and my mind will just turn off. I just stare like one of those creepy kids you'd see in those old horror movies. I have small panic attacks or nerves that make me sweat and then I think about that sweat and sweat more. Then I wipe my face and sweat more thinking about how I might have to shake someone's hand with my sweaty one. I'm also feeling increasingly disconnected with my family and friends. I yearn social interaction, without it I linger in my own thoughts too long, but at the same time I just want to void myself and sleep until I can convince myself to get up. I'm also just not content with who I am as a person. I feel no drive in life. No purpose. I got this part time job in hopes that it would help, but it only did so slightly. Sometimes I feel like my parents can't stand the person I really am and push the focalin on me, but I know that's not true. I get paranoid. Paranoid of them judging me by the way I act and as I spiral down it gets worse.I've never told anyone any of this. I don't know how. People will think I'm a psycho and cast that image upon me. Am I psychotic? Bipolar? I don't know. Sometimes I get lost or confused in my thoughts and it makes it difficult for me to portray those thoughts. Not to mention that some of them would probably make people just say wtf.

I don't know what to do or how to go about any of this. I did fine without the ADD meds in the military, I don't think the issue is concentrating for school and such. That's just a matter of self discipline. If any of you have any advice you can offer please do. I'm here because idk what else to do and there's gotta be someone who can reflect on it. Anyway, if you have any questions feel free to ask away. I promise I'll answer them all as honestly as I can
Tags: Depression, mental h, crisis, ADHD, Bipolar
4190741 tn?1370181432
I don't know much about medication, but you say that you want to be accepted as a person without the medication, without the crutch, so to speak, and that you feel yourself slipping possibly into psychosis.
Does this mean that you are not taking the medication or that you are only taking it once and awhile or when you feel you have gone too long without it and then try to restart the meds on your own....

Many many many people are on medication, the diabetic with the insulin who without it would die, the epileptics (spelling) who need the meds to control seizures, the severe cancer cases who need steroids to help out what their immune system can no longer do, the people who take thyroid medication, the man who has such high blood pressure that he feels he will explode without taking his meds, the woman who does not want to become pregnant and takes a birth control pill daily....All these people, and you, are real people with real personalities and real lives irregardless of the medicine they take every day....

I would love to have you make an appointment with your doctor and tell him/her what is going on with you, just like you wrote it here...A Doctor, even a very good doctor cannot read minds, and brutal honesty between you and your caregiver might just be the best thing you ever did....

Please come back and tell us how you are doing....

I do wish you the very best

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