When Support Sources Fail

My new tdoc cracks me up...she gives me this list of things to do for support when my depression gets very severe, like when I get suicidal thoughts (like now).  On the list is to call my sisters.  I tried that tonight.  One never answers her phone...I leave msgs that are never returned.  The other, her hubby answered but said she was too busy to talk to me and might call me later.  WTF?  On the list is to call the veterans suicide hotline.  That's a joke.  I called that number twice a couple of weeks ago....guess what?  I got disconnected both times.  Oh yes...that was most helpful.  I won't be calling back.
On my list is to go for a drive.  My 17-yr old always has my car.  Driving is out.  So it's me and the cats.  Yippie.  So not good.
Sorry for the pity party.

[Fuzzz]

Yeah, family often doesn't know how to help us.  They either don't understand the problem or possibly they feel their plates are full enough without having a needy family member calling for help.  I first started asking for help back when I was about 9 years old, and that was back in the 1970s.  For our trouble, my twin sister and I just got a guilt trip!  But we're not bitter, lol.  It seems to always come down to us taking care of ourselves in the end, and that's nearly impossible when we are down in the pit of despair.  When I'm not down at my worst and try to see an MD and get help for my depression, they usually haven't been able to recognize the problem because I'm carefully groomed and look put together on the outside.  Also, as soon as I get comfortable with an MD who is a woman, they leave town or private practice or something.  I don't THINK it's me, but you can start to get paranoid when it keeps happening.  

Finally I saw a new psychiatrist who I remember a friend went to and liked.  He's been in practice a long time and isn't going anywhere until he retires.  With my luck that will be in 2009, but oh well.  He takes my insurance copay, so that's a huge benefit.  He started me on a very different medicine (mirtazapine/Remeron), and even though I just started it last night, I have hope that it is going to make me feel normal.  I slept very well and wasn't groggy when I woke up.  I remember a dream, and that hasn't happened in a long time.  This psychiatrist not only prescribes but also counsels, so I am hoping I can find new coping strategies and stop the coping mechanisms I turn to when I'm at my worst because people get hurt that way.  

I'm sorry your path is also so tangled.  I hope you find your way, but in my experience, it is going to take some initiative to get the ball rolling.  I guess we know what we need better than our family members.  

[ILADVOCATE]

Family members should be supportive and we should approach them but its not a given. The same with friends. We can provide advice here but perhaps you should think of an in person support group. Look up NAMI for one in your area (they also have support groups for friends and family) and also google "Depression Central". Another good resource for any disability advocacy or information and resources is your local independent living center. There's one in every county of every state:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
  Feelings of guilt and self worthlessness are part of depression. As much as its hard to say to yourself remember these feelings are triggered by biochemical changes in the brain and aren't real. And that medications can be adjusted and that new medications in development will have a better recovery rate and side effect profile, as I've detailed in other posts, with what I am on for schizoaffective disorder and that I recovered from that but they are studying new classes of anti-depressents as well. You can look up "psychmeds123" for all psychiatric medications in development.
  And if there are personal issues in your life that are real and make you feel bad in general, everyone experiences that and you should talk them over with your therapist. Just don't tell yourself recovery isn't possible. I advocated for my own recovery but everyone should have some say in there's. Ask yourself what's wrong and what you want out of treatment and put some goals together and work with your psychiatrist and therapist to acheive them in a realistic step by step manner.

[JKJ]

thanks for responding, i really appreciate it.  i guess a big problem or roadblock i have is the disconnect i have with my tdoc.  i've just started with her and we just don't "click".  i'm in the VA (veteran's administration) which means i don't have a choice in who i see for care.  we've talked about a treatment plan and we really don't agree...which translates into we are doing it her way.  i'm used to one type of treatment over the past 9+ years and now she wants to completely change it.
i'm dx with PTSD and major chronic depression and possible bi-polar (the VA docs aren't sure of this).  i've just started seeing a pdoc again who put me back on Prozac even though i've been on that med twice before and both times had to stop taking it because it made me manic...he knows this but wanted to "try it again anyway".....gotta love VA healthcare.
  this new tdoc, i was told, was an "expert" in PTSD therapy....but i've been seeing her for over 2 months now and she hasn't even mentioned anything about my PTSD issues--she seems clueless.