When is it time to let go?

I don't remember how long ago it was, but I would round it off to about 1-3 years.  In this time period, my foster father, "D" (abusive alcoholic) freaked out on me for literally no reason.  In his drunken stupor, he told me to do everyone else a favor and just kill myself because no one loves me, no one cares about me, I'm hated and loathed, etc.  Everyone says he's wrong, but sometimes I feel like he's right.  I can't shake those words.  I mean I know people always avoid suicide or says it's not the easy way out, but I'm not looking for an speedy exit.  I'm just done with everything.  It's like you work at something for a long time and when you're finished, you're finished.  

I'm not a suicidal person.  It's very unusual for me to even have suicidal THOUGHTS, and they're usually like, "Oh, I wish a car would hit me", but I don't really mean it.  It's one of those depressive statements.  I have my ups and downs, but lately I've been extremely depressed.  

Ever since I was 18 I've dreaded growing up because I just knew that there was only turmoil waiting for me in the future.  I'm currently 24, going on 25 on Ground Hogs Day (I don't know if that is my real birthday or not).  I don't feel alone, at least I don't think I do.  I just feel like I've done everything I need to do and I'm satisfied with that.  I feel like if today was my day to die, I wouldn't have any regrets.

My life has consisted of lies, beatings, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, depression, diseases/illnesses, and heart ache.  I've come a long way, but it's begun to get boring and that's how I know I'm ready.  Am I really going to kill myself?  No.  At least I don't believe so.  I don't really WANT to die.  I am OKAY with it, though.  I'm going to admit myself into the hospital for a partial program and probably switch to IOP.  I notified my social worker and I didn't end up cutting myself.  I'm not dumb.  If things are really bad, I'm responsible, rational, and smart.  But I have to go back to what D said and all that melts away.  I can't just stop caring about what he says.  Despite the way I've been treated, I'm an extremely caring person and I'm also extremely sensitive, whereas D is insensitive.  Is D going to be the death of me?

I look forward to people's advice, but I beg you - please don't lecture me about suicide.  I just need to vent.

[j17c27]

Hello,
It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders.  Have you been to therapy? I think you really could benefit from it.  They will listen to you vent without judgement and they can help break down what's eating you and build you up to be a stronger and happier person.  Im going to tell you what everyone else says: Your foster dad is wrong.  When he said that, was he drinking? You said he was an alcoholic, and thats a sickness.  I'm sure he wasnt in a good state of mind when he said that.  Well, its the new year.  Maybe set some goals for yourself, becuase once you accomplish them you will feel good about yourself.  Like set a goal of meeting a new friend, or finishing a work project, or whatever 25 year olds do ha.    D is not going to be the death of you.  What you can do is live your life being a better person because of him.


p.s. I cut myself. and I am not dumb.

[meg613]

hey,
it sounds like you've had a very tough childhood and i know from what you wrote that you are a strong smart rational person... you are 24... you made it out of childhood i admire you for just living and wanting to live.
i also cut and i'm pretty sure i'm not dumb, in fact i think that intelligent people are more likely to cut, a dumb person would make the connection between inner and outer pain.
so take it one day at a time, you got this far you can go much further.

[hyeyung]

I'm a cutter.  I wasn't trying to insult anyone.  It's just the way I wrote it - thanks for the advice.  I do have a therapist.  She is great.  I get depressed when I think about how long I've been in therapy, but when I look back on it, I know I've really grown since .  I appreciate the kind words.  

[meg613]

hey, just to let you know we didn't think you where insulting. i'm just telling you your not dumb!!!