Where do I start?

[Allison369]

Dear Doctor,

I don't know how to stop the cycles and make myself a happy person. I tend to jump from one relationship into another, some emotionally abusive, others where I am seeking consolation in the company of the person, but knowing I am not fully interested in them. I have the history of family abuse and alchoholism and I do have an addictive personality as well.

I depend on friends and family for advice too much, I can't make up my own mind, and my sense of identity seems to depend on others. It doesn't come from the inside. This is making me depressed and unhappy all the time. I have a really hard time being alone, and friends disappear from my life, or relatinoships end and I am devastated more and more. It feels like I won't get better and will always be this way. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, it's not a recent phenomenon.

Help.

[ihatemedication]

your welcome! god bless you and good luck on your journey! just look at it as starting over - and stay optimistic!

:}  

~ erin

[Allison369]

I am starting to see someone next week. I just ended a bad relationship, (I was engaged), it was unhealthy, but issues of dependency and abuse of some sort have been with me my whole life. I am ready to change, I can't take this anymore. I do realize that changin something that has been a part of me for so long will be very hard. I can be very committed, so I think there is hope for me, if I stick to it and do the necessary work.

Thank you for the response!

[ihatemedication]

yes definitely you do need to talk to someone about this before coming to any  and like i said, when you do get an evaluation and talk to someone, ask about dbt  - dialectic behavioral therapy. you can find a lot of information about that on the internet as well. it is a very helpful program and will help you to see why you feel and behave the way you do, and what you can do to reverse those behavioral patterns.

the therapy is based on the premise that the dysfunctional relational and emotional patterns of personality disorders are learned, and that the behaviors associated with them (addictions, self-destructive behaviors, getting into abusive, unhealthy, or co-dependant relationships with others, etc.) can be avoided by using the dbt "skills" (which you will learn about if you research it), and reversed by learning new/better ways of thinking about yourself and others.

personality disorders are not like other mental disorders. while you may be able to "cure" depression or another mood disorder with medication, conquering a personality disorder is a very lengthy and complicated process because it is not necessarily an illness: the symptoms of a personality disorder are ingrained in who you are as a person - yep, your personality. a person must be willing and stay committed to changing the way they think and behave (this is not very easy, which is why dbt works best in a group setting - having the support of others who understand what you are going through and trying to do will hold you accountable and motivate you to take charge of your own life).

i have been in and out of the process of overcoming borderline personality disorder and its symptoms for over three years. it isn't easy, but it can be done. you have to make the decision to change. you have to decide whether you are willing to live the rest of your life this way or seek the help you need to make changes for the better.

sorry for the wordy response. i am very passionate about the subject as it has affected me deeply for a very long time. maybe i don't yet have a so-called "normal" life by the standards of some, but i am glad to be alive and have much more hope than i used to before i learned about dbt. i feel like i am in charge of myself and not at the mercy of my emotions. and that is more important to me than trying to live up to any fantasy about a "normal" life (though i admit i do indulge those fantasies occasionally - incidently they bring me nothing but grief).

hope that makes sense.

~ erin

[Allison369]

If that might be the case, it fits, but of course I need a psychiatric evaluation and research to do this, is there any treatment. Can this be cured altogether or significantly enough to live a normal life?

[ihatemedication]

i really do understand where you are at.

i'm not a dr. but i suggest that you do some research into dependant personality disorder and co-dependant relationships. do some serious looking around for a dialectic behavioral therapy/dbt group in your area (dbt is a type of therapy, usually in a goup setting, for borderline personality disorder and related problems). you can probably even ask your physician to refer you to one. (i do not have dpd, but have had many similar problems and have done a LOT of research on personality disorders and been to numerous, very effective and helpful dbt groups. i have seen all kinds of different therapists for as long as i can remember but dbt is the only therapy that has truly helped me in any way at all.)

i hope this helps.

~ erin