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Why can i do nothing right? (or so it seems)
by jj1873, May 27, 2008 01:36PM
I grew up being the quiet shy guy..not very well built,not very good looking..quite timid not really saying much in school etc.. Its not that ive never had any friends, if i said that i'd be a liar. Its just im never happy. I always kind of need someone to be by my side or holding my hand (not literally) but i generally just need support, and it seems to be all the time.
I was going to a football training session with work the other week and i had to invite a friend outside work...why i dont know...was it oddness on my behalf, that i just couldnt go alone? i dont really know..but these questions are starting to really run through my head, can i actually do nothing alone.
Thinking, i could and never would go into town alone to do shopping. This would be a nightmare for me..id be quite scared by this...is that normal?
I do however work in a shop and with the general public so this makes the above situation even weirder..???
Ive never really had anyone truely special in my life and when i say this i mean anyone apart from my family that loves or loved me, truely or really liked me and enjoyed spending quality time with me...in otherwords..ive never had a girl friend and this hurts real bad..im 21 and never had one..I dont really have many true female friends either and this also leads me to dispare and drains my self confidence :(
I had a friend once who i maybe thought was more than a friend and well maybe for the short period, she believed we where a little more than friends..but it never materialised and infact it ended in total and utter disaster..and i can literally never be friends with her again let alone anything else :( (theres no going back on that one, simply because she wont let me, no other reason!) for that i feel deep deep guilt (even though im not entirely to blame) but still i do feel bad for the loss because while we where friends she told me some very very personal things..so now..even after 3years..the bad feelings are still there somewhere inside me.
I recently met another girl (online) we got on great and i promised myself i wouldnt mess this up..one chance, lets make it work..i didnt try overly hard and actaully i had an awesome balance that was really working BUT then it all blew up in my face.This may sound petty but this is how i always remember my depression or what ever it is thats wrong with me coming back...
I really like soccer, last year i went and followed my team in european competition and it was great, they achieved some fantastic results and where almost through to the next stage..then cam the blow..shock 3-0 defeat at home :( meant my club where out..this is trivial but i thought id mention it as its the bad luck starting again...then after this match came the new year...and the girl id met online...slipped away...we had a minor miss understanding in january and then suddenly as quickly and as greatly as she came, she dissappeared :( and that was it..it was i must admit very sad..id done nothing wrong and then a couple of months later she told me she had been raped!! i dont know if it was made up or a lie but it basically ended up causing real trouble between us..i was worried for her and her state of mind and as to why she wouldnt meet me...i made a fake msn posing as a female friend of mine trying to talk to her in general (not about the rape or anything) yea crazy...in the end i just ended up telling one of her friends about it and left her to get on with her life...now we dont talk and probably never will again..
Again i feel such total and utter guilt because of this and it makes me feel sad..seeing as how she told her mate, i made the whole rape thing up :( yea...looks great for my reputation... :(
Add that in between the time of waiting to find out what was wrong with her in the first place, the uncertainty and sadness of this potential relationship suddenly going down the drain the sheer fact that i then find out my mothers cancer is back and she is dying this time :( then i find out this girl has been raped...
Remember im the shy quiet guy...believe it or not (i wont say i dont care because infact i do) im the good guy to, the nice guy, the friendliest guy but shyness at times lets me down...it took a lot of effort from me to get the attention of these girls and it felt like so much hard work to ahieve it yet i got very little out of it..infact i gained absolutely zilch...zero nothing,,,not even a friendship...just crushing blows to my confidence and credibilty and im just such a loser or at least that is how it feels :(
basically why do i never feel good about myself? why am i always like this..why do i feel excessive guilt and like **** about things like this...?
why dont i have many female friends etc etc its so odd and makes me just want to die..
I was going to a football training session with work the other week and i had to invite a friend outside work...why i dont know...was it oddness on my behalf, that i just couldnt go alone? i dont really know..but these questions are starting to really run through my head, can i actually do nothing alone.
Thinking, i could and never would go into town alone to do shopping. This would be a nightmare for me..id be quite scared by this...is that normal?
I do however work in a shop and with the general public so this makes the above situation even weirder..???
Ive never really had anyone truely special in my life and when i say this i mean anyone apart from my family that loves or loved me, truely or really liked me and enjoyed spending quality time with me...in otherwords..ive never had a girl friend and this hurts real bad..im 21 and never had one..I dont really have many true female friends either and this also leads me to dispare and drains my self confidence :(
I had a friend once who i maybe thought was more than a friend and well maybe for the short period, she believed we where a little more than friends..but it never materialised and infact it ended in total and utter disaster..and i can literally never be friends with her again let alone anything else :( (theres no going back on that one, simply because she wont let me, no other reason!) for that i feel deep deep guilt (even though im not entirely to blame) but still i do feel bad for the loss because while we where friends she told me some very very personal things..so now..even after 3years..the bad feelings are still there somewhere inside me.
I recently met another girl (online) we got on great and i promised myself i wouldnt mess this up..one chance, lets make it work..i didnt try overly hard and actaully i had an awesome balance that was really working BUT then it all blew up in my face.This may sound petty but this is how i always remember my depression or what ever it is thats wrong with me coming back...
I really like soccer, last year i went and followed my team in european competition and it was great, they achieved some fantastic results and where almost through to the next stage..then cam the blow..shock 3-0 defeat at home :( meant my club where out..this is trivial but i thought id mention it as its the bad luck starting again...then after this match came the new year...and the girl id met online...slipped away...we had a minor miss understanding in january and then suddenly as quickly and as greatly as she came, she dissappeared :( and that was it..it was i must admit very sad..id done nothing wrong and then a couple of months later she told me she had been raped!! i dont know if it was made up or a lie but it basically ended up causing real trouble between us..i was worried for her and her state of mind and as to why she wouldnt meet me...i made a fake msn posing as a female friend of mine trying to talk to her in general (not about the rape or anything) yea crazy...in the end i just ended up telling one of her friends about it and left her to get on with her life...now we dont talk and probably never will again..
Again i feel such total and utter guilt because of this and it makes me feel sad..seeing as how she told her mate, i made the whole rape thing up :( yea...looks great for my reputation... :(
Add that in between the time of waiting to find out what was wrong with her in the first place, the uncertainty and sadness of this potential relationship suddenly going down the drain the sheer fact that i then find out my mothers cancer is back and she is dying this time :( then i find out this girl has been raped...
Remember im the shy quiet guy...believe it or not (i wont say i dont care because infact i do) im the good guy to, the nice guy, the friendliest guy but shyness at times lets me down...it took a lot of effort from me to get the attention of these girls and it felt like so much hard work to ahieve it yet i got very little out of it..infact i gained absolutely zilch...zero nothing,,,not even a friendship...just crushing blows to my confidence and credibilty and im just such a loser or at least that is how it feels :(
basically why do i never feel good about myself? why am i always like this..why do i feel excessive guilt and like **** about things like this...?
why dont i have many female friends etc etc its so odd and makes me just want to die..
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I don't think it's odd that you don't like to be alone. That's basic human need. We all need the company of others. I think part of this could be though that you aren't comfortable with yourself and that's why you don't want to be by yourself. You do need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and part of that is in aknowledging that, like all the rest of us, you are not perfect. You will make mistakes and that's ok! Just move on. Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and forgiving. That's a very big step. You need to learn to love and accept yourself before you can expect to love and accept others and expect them to love and accept you. Does that make sense?
It might be a good idea to hire a life coach for a little while to help you build up your self-esteem. Once you feel good about yourself you will see the world in a whole new different light. I promise.