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Xanax dependency?
Got a long story to type so bear with me please. I just need to feel normal again and hoping that somebody can relate to me and not judge me. First off I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 15, after I was admitted to drug rehab for cocaine addiction (I am now 32) haven't used since then. I used cocaine for just a short period of time and become heavily addicted to it. I left rehab with a few RXs for depression, aniexty and bipolar disorder. I took my meds as prescribed and felt great after a few months of working out the quirks and was attending counseling. I became pregnant when I was 17 and stopped taking my meds due to my pregnancy. After my daughter was born I took my meds off and on and found myself with angry outbursts often then I would be angry at myself and become withdrawn and depressed. I would get stuck in the rollercoaster as I call it if feeling great then feeling down and cry at the drop of a dime. The next day or after a good nap I would feel great again. My lows would take a toll on me and I would feel down for weeks at a time and then boom I would snap out of it. And the world felt great. I quit taking my meds all together because I could no longer afford them after a few years of the up down and a few children later I went to a dr, I was in my mid 20s. As soon as she asked me why I as there I broke down sobbing. Life had become too much for me to handle, things were not so great. I was working in a divorce from my husband and lost my good job and house. Life felt at its lowest. I told her I had been off my meds for a very long time and felt I needed them back. She wrote me a RX and I started to take them. I instantly felt ill, physically ill. I was dizzy and stumbled around and felt like I had the flu. They made me feel beyond drowsy and couldn't take them without falling asleep almost immediately after taking them. I had never felt like this from the meds. I thought maybe they were not what I needed because I couldn't even live life for the first hour after taking them. So I quit them after maybe 2 weeks and never seen my Dr again. Mistake number 1. Flash forward a few years with no meds, I moved to a new state with my children far away from my family and friends. I was in a new relationship (which he is now my husband). Life was ok for about the first year in my new state. As time has moved on I have become more withdrawn and more depressed then I have ever felt. I have tried my *** off to just get on with life and keep moving forward. But I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have super high aniexty, can't sleep at night (more than 4 hours at a a time) or I over sleep. My sleep pattern is way off. I can sleep all day or nothing at all for days. I have tried to see a Dr in my new state and have had to wait months to even see a Dr let alone be given any meds. So I decided screw it, it's all in my head I dont need meds. So I overheard a friend talking about Xanax. I had used Xanax before when I was a teen but never really had a taste for it. Now I am using it almost daily to fall asleep at night. I was depressed before I even started taking them thinking it would make me feel better and help me sleep so I could wake up feeling refreshed. Which it does sometimes after you get past some the side effects. And for me I don't really seem to have many of them. I'm stuck in a depressed state of mind and feel ****** daily. I force myself to get outa bed and now I am even more withdrawn from life than I ever have been. So now I'm wondering if the Xanax has just made it worse for me. If it has made my depression worse and I'm wondering what is the next step I should do? I don't want to be dependent on meds but I don't want feel this angry and depressed roller coaster anymore in my life. I'm hurting the ones I love deeply and at times I feel like I just can't control my emotions or my emotional outbursts. I'm confused as to what I should do. The city that I live in is a super small town with a very overburdened mental health system that takes months to get into and get help, let alone get help with meds.  unless you drive 2 or more hours away which at this point I can't because I car issues. Some I'm stuck? I just want to know if anybody can relate to me or guide me in what to do. I have thought before what if I just have them EPC me maybe then I'll be able to get some help with meds or counseling without waiting for 6 months. I don't know..please don't judge me. Just needed to vent and ask for some support. Thanks for reading and bearing with me.
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Using benzos regularly, well, they are an addictive drug and stopping them can be brutal.  Using them for sleep isn't what they were designed to do, and can lead to worse rebound insomnia.  And as an anti-anxiety drug, they're a downer, which isn't the best thing for someone suffering from depression.  I'm wondering if you've ever seen a psychiatrist, or just regular docs?  You also don't seem to be describing something as severe as bipolar disorder, so I'm also wondering about your original diagnosis.  I know you have problems getting help, but getting help isn't the same as getting good help.  There are a lot of hacks out there.  At this point, even if it takes time and is hard to do, you need good help.  You also don't mention ever getting regular talk therapy.  Did you ever do that?  Here's a thing about cocaine -- stopping it can cause depression, at leas for awhile.  Life just doesn't offer that kind of high normally, and it's a very stimulating high to boot.  Could your quitting have been a factor in what seems to be a diagnosis not matched by what you're describing, which sounds like depression and depression-caused anxiety mixed in with what are regular very stressful things that happen to everyone in life?
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Once you start taking benzodiazepines like Xanax you have to go through very slow process of reducing dose usually changing to valium which is long acting benzo. This needs to be done under medical supervision.
Also it seems that you need antidepressant drug to get you out of the depression and stabilize your mood.
As for sleeping it is better to take medication like imovane which is specifically for sleeping disorder and does not  induce  physical addiction.
In summary you need to see psychiatrist or good general physician with knowledge in treating depression.
Remember that every 5th person will suffer from depression throughout his life requiring medical intervention.
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