can't feel but misery

[lonelymomo]

this could be quite long but i need to speak up so badly am suffering so much I don't know what to do..
so I'll appreciate your patience..

I am 24 female with good education and lots of potentials -I have lots of good things but I suffer inside,
I hate my self so much-I hated my family- although they are good people ,but the thing is I plame them for every thing in my life specially my mom - she deceased 8 years ago- she used to hit us ( I know she didn't mean to hurt us this is the best she knew abt raising children) she never talked to me about anything but studying ,school ,grades and hit me if i get bad grades so that i don't remember any thing from my childhood but that, I screwed up alot and failed three years through college because of these thoughts. I decided one day that I am too old enough to plame any one and start to be responsible to my life. so I passed this year with good grades and gained new friends but still feel horrible inside....My relationships are horrile I don't trust any body specially my family,I think of them as judgmentals and they think they are protective and caring.
I know they are good people but I don't trust them for my

feeling I think they don't understand how i think, I never

speake my mind out and when I do either been hit or hurt

by actions or words so I keep things to myself.
I have no successfull relationship in my life whatsoever

all end up with a big misery, I broke up with four

boyfriends the longest one last for 4 months, till now I

don't know if I really love any of them,they all hurt me, the really reason behind writing this I have a new loving boyfriend who love me so much but I don't trust him and can't although he didn't do any thing to make me not to trust him,It's been a while since I had a boyfriend, and I was focusing only on studying and was distracted from my bad issues but when the relationship gets deeper I feel more irritating, he felt that I don't trust him and this is effecting our reltionship . my life *****, I don't feel anything good , i just feel sad,mad, depressed and dessappointed,I want every thing to be different for me,I want to have more faith in god and myself and people but I can't I've been through alot,I don't know how to love all i know is to hate_specially myself I abuse myself verbally and don't know how to stop it_ I have full memory of thing I hate since i was a kid , I felt that way since I was 10 I want to feel differently I want to have a new life.

[Athena_M]

Your mom understands why you didn't go to her room that much.  Don't feel bad about that.  
Lots of us blame our parents for things, if we didn't we wouldn't try to correct everythng they did wrong when we had our own children.  My parents rarely ever hugged me, so I hug my 4 year old all the time, in fact I read an article that said the only way to guarantee happiness in a child's future life is to hug your kids alot.  

It's hard sometimes to accept love.  Just let your heart accept your man's love and enjoy it.  You deserve to be loved and to feel love.

Here are some affirmations for you to say to yourself:

I am beautiful inside and out.
I am loving myself and others.    

May Angels surround you comfort you and give you love.  God Loves You, yes He does.  

Hugs and prayers
Athena

[lonelymomo]

I am sorry I was away last couple days I was little busy but really thank you all for your great advice , and you are right george no one will appreciate a good moment if he doesn't live the worste , I'll try not to be hard on myself and love myself first but when you are around someone who will love you whatever happens is a great thing and it feels so bad - like your heart is ripped off- if he is away and because you hurt him. so
add this to my current issue, my heart and my mind is really messed up big time, oooooooooooh
I am not saying I should have a love in my life to feel better....I don't know ....
every thing is so confusing to me right now
the only thing that really makes me patience is god knows what's good for you even if you think in the moment that it's not fair.

thank you for the site athena and your nice prayer
did I mention that my mom died after suffering 3 years from cancer I was totally in denial , and rarely went to her room , I couldn't see here like that specially when she was in coma and when she died i just blamed her for everything going bad in mylife...teppical me...I stopped doing that but I know deep inside that thought stills there

what I know for sure now that my heart aching..pray for me
thanks again to all of you for not being judgemental and being such a great help for me

[Athena_M]

My heart goes out to you.  Please try to remember that God loves you no matter what.  Since I didn't experience love from my parents I had to learn it from God.

Read this article on depression it gives good advice and tells about foods that we eat that make us feel worse and vitamin deficencies that make us feel miserable.

www.cancertutor.com/other/depression.htm

Hugs to you and I pray that Angels hug you and give you all the love you need to feel better.  

[gofio]

The person who you must trust is yoursef. Hate's a corrosive, destructive thing. Love may not come easily if you've been hurt & had some bad experiences. They are over, past, dead & should be remembered only to remind you to try to avoid making the same errors of judgement again. Be kinder to yourself, try to unwind when you tense up. It can be learned. Positive's not easy when you're in a negative mood, but that too can be learned. Only those that have had these experiences of mental disorder can really appreciate what that means. So this site's loaded with those that do understand how you feel. There's always unqualified support for anyone that needs it. Hope you're out enjoying a nice Saturday evening & that all's going well for you. Glad to hear from you at any time. Stay well, you can beat whatever comes your way ~ won't always be easy, but you will get there. George

[gofio]

The person who you must trust is yoursef. Hate's a corrosive, destructive thing. Love may not come easily if you've been hurt & had some bad experiences. They are over, past, dead & should be remembered only to remind you to try to avoid making the same errors of judgement again. Be kinder to yourself, try to unwind when you tense up. It can be learned. Positive's not easy when you're in a negative mood, but that too can be learned. Only those that have had these experiences of mental disorder can really appreciate what that means. So this site's loaded with those that do understand how you feel. There's always unqualified support for anyone that needs it. Hope you're out enjoying a nice Saturday evening & that all's going well for you. Glad to hear from you at any time. Stay well, you can beat whatever comes your way ~ won't always be easy, but you will get there. George

[HVAC]

The fact that you want to be different is key. I never got over my childhood. I did out live them. I came to see my family was very sick and sad and did the best they could.

When I was your age I had no hope. I started working on myself, not anyone else. I am still working at it. I got to the place where I was happy with myself and content to live alone. Then I met my husband. We have been together twelve years. We are pretty happy. We have lots of dogs and cats and a garden.

I still suffer from depression. A bad day today beats one of my best days growing up.
Life is so much better. I recently was diagnosed with MS so I am back in counseling.
"It is not what happens to you in life, it is what you do about it".

Hang in there,
Alex

[marialou]

hi hun,you seem like such a sensible and caring person just looking over your posts and i hope you find your happiness in the same way you wish happiness for everyone else.with kind regards

[lonelymomo]

you are a great person it shows from your words,
when I read what you are going through , and felt how positive and strong you are that ashamed me....I will be as strong as you and hope you and your wife will be stronger , be cured from anything you have and be happy forever , you are a nice man George you deserve to be happy...all the best.

[gofio]

Thanks for your nice comment. I have more or less the life I want. Not much can be changed & I can accept that. My wife's Parkinson's Disease is the greatest obstacle to our happiness, but she copes as best she can & sets an example in couravge that shames me. We both have some kind of Flying Pig Flu or something at present, but it doesn't drop our moods. Hope you feel good & that the changes you want come about. In the past I've lost what I treasured ~ including my self-respect, but found it could be won back with time/effort. It's a trip worth making. I hope that you take it. Take care, think well of yourself & be positive & reject whatever's negative in your life. You can start out afresh & enjoy life again. Best wishes. George

[lonelymomo]

yea you are 100% right , I hope you have the life you wish for

[Regina333]

I know what its like to feel angry because of the pain others have caused and it makes you so scared and guarded.  I have spent years of my life been so scared to get close to anyone incase I loose them, Years wishing that I could have a new mind wipe out the past and as you say a new life and I only recently realised that I needed to 100% let go accept the people who love me and love them back because its the future that is your new life and how you live it is up to you. Its a long process and its tuff sometimes but The good thing is that It is a cycle and you will come out the other end. Try not to be scared and you will enjoy what you have a lot more.

[lonelymomo]

Thank you so much george , I promise I will get professional help
Thank for support from you all you are really nice people

[gofio]

Get some professionel help, as soon as you can. Drugs are really powerful things, they can have rotten side effects, BUT they will make you feel better than you seem to be now. Maybe some talking therapy will be indicated as well. Your self-esteem's way too low, am sure you can remember lots of things you've had success with. Now you've got 'Negative Glasses' on & see the world not as it is, only the negatives. It can be changed, not instantly, but if you really want to get well & content again you must accept whatever the Doc.Psych advises. Here you can get support/advice/friendship. Look around & check the posts & you'll see that there are others that have managed to improve or even cure their rotten conditions, in spite of feeling hopeless. You've got a great life ahead if you go after it. Forget the rotten things & remember some good ones. Hope to hear that you are doing better soon. Best wishes. George

[lonelymomo]

you really got through the same situation I have ??
Did you really get closer and move forward
I know it is a gradual process to get rid of all of my issues but what I am afraid of the most is how hard it will be....I believe it will be like a drug addict try quitting drugs.
not I won't do my best it's just.......I am afraid..:(

[Regina333]

I believe from experience that all the feelings you have are natural in order for you to get closure and move forward. Despite your hurt you have taken responsibility to move your life in a new direction. You say you want a new life but you are in control and you are on your way to a new life. You should feel proud that you have got where you are. Letting fo is a gradual process and I am sure In time you will learn to trust and open your heart up x

[lonelymomo]

thanks you all for your nice words ...Really thank you

about your advice mairaculous I went to lots psychiatrists on and off then stopped.. I don't know why.They all diagnosed me with depression I don't know why I don't get treatment.. may be its my pride that I can be better without any help..I don't know!!

you hit a nerve marialou :(
It's true that "I want to overcome so much without realising it"
Why don't I want to be free from this.. I don't know
I want to be happy and don't let myself ..

[marialou]

hi miraculous,miraculous by name an well..you know the rest. honey,you seem like a good person thats feeling guilty for wanting or deserving to be happy.a lot of what you have said before anything is about you wanting to study..get your grades..but guess what..you did and you have.you seem to of overcome so much without realising it.you truely need realise that. sod everyone else. when your happy everyone around you is to..stop feeling guilty.you may need a shoulder to cry on,but as long as yours is free for people you love also.you will get through.best of luck x

[miraculous]

What a sad story for someone at such a young age with everything to live for. It sounds like you have had a hard life. The obvious thing I would suggest is counselling therapy. Are you taking any form of medication or seeing a psychiatrist.