I have been with my live in boyfriend for almost 4 years now..we have 2 beautiful children together.
2 1/2 little girl and 15 month little (big) boy! they are truely the only thing that is keeping me here with their dad. I stay at home all day everyday with them. i have no car he takes mine to work! there are 2 other cars that we have but are not driveable...okay...friends..what friends??? they really don't talk to me anymore, can't blame them...i can never go out anymore with them, because i always get **** from him about haveing to stay with the kids! he comes and goes as he pleases and there is not support from him..physically or emotionally. i really don't think i love him anymore...this may sound selfish, but i want to stay home and take care of my babies and not have to leave them somewhere and go to work. if i leave him thats what will happen! I know he loves his kids very much and he tells me how much he loves me. and i think he does....but i really don't think i want to be with him at all anymore, he allso is very verbally abusive which of course i retalliate and start yelling back him and then it turns into some real awful blowouts! in front of the kids too( i know that is the worst part of it all)...i don't want to take his children away from him. thats already happend to him once. he has 2 other kids with his former wife. 13 and 10 and he sees them all the time, but he tells me all the time how much it sucks to not have them with him fulltime...i have even seen him cry over it! don't know what to do....any advice? anyone? the only choice i can see is i keep my mouth shut and just pretend to be the happy lilttle wife until the kids are in school then get a job and go from there...i just don't know if i can stand it that much longer!
you are in atough situation but sitting tight will probably make you go over the edge.If he is being verbally abusive to you ,you dont wnat your children to witness this. with my first husband (also abusive) I laid down the law. either we get counseling or I was outta there. well I ended up leaving him and it was the best hting I ever did. I moved back home with my parents I had no money ,job and a little baby girl. but it all worked out.it was tough and it definatly wanst easy but you have to do what is right for you and the children. do it now while the children are still young enough if that is what you have to do . tell him you will no longer tolerate his behavior My prayers are with you and your family.
You dont sound selfish at all, you're obviously a very considerate person and you need to do what is best for you, and for your kids. Sometimes for kids having their parents appart but happy is better than having them both at home but un happy and fighting, and it looks like you would be alot happier away from your partner and he needs to understand that too. You cant keep your mouth shut and pretend to be happy, thats no way to live you are as entitle to a happy life as anyone else. Don't make excuses for him either, you say you're not getting any support and you ar getting verbal abuse and that has to stop, could you take the kids (and the car) to stay with family for a few days? Give yourself a break and a chance to see what it would be like if you did leave, get in touch with your friends, im sure that if they read what you have written they would be there for you, being friends isn't just about going out. Good luck with it all, hope you get the support and the happiness you deserve
thank you both! and believe me, i tell myself the same thing all the time! i just don't know if i can do it yet..i actually made appt for tomorrow to talk with a thearapist, and she will proabably tell me the same thing...i just don't really have anywhere to go i would have to go on state assistance, and live whereever they put me...i'm really scared of that..i'm in a really nice safe town right now and i think of stuff like that too...i don't know you are both right and thank you soo much..this website is really helping too...
i got out from an abusive situation and i know how u feel,because of my 2 kids i was staying at home, because he was always telling me how much will hurt him to be away from them, but u think about yourself what u really want. he will allways be their father no matter what.and if he love the kids he will allways be thre for them .but its not good for u to be in an verbally abusive situation.
Have you tried to sit your Husband down and tell him how you feel? You should definately not just keep pretending to be happy. Maybe he doesn't even have a clue as to what he is doing! Or maybe is just a selfish uncaring jerk. But you won't know until you communicate to him how you feel. Though you did say you don't love him anymore. I think children are affected more when their Parents stay together even though they hate each other than if they were to seperate. You are your childrens first example of a healthy relationship. No one should be locked in their house like you are now. I hope everything works out for you, remember that if you are unhappy and miserable you can't give your children your 100%. I know from experience.
i have told him many many times how i feel, but he thinks it's always me getting over emotional and over reacting! maybe i do sometimes, but he doesn't realize that i'm no where the same he person he started dating and by staying in the house 24hrs a day has proabably turned me into a nut! i have become very unhappy and sometime i snap at my children and that has to stop...how can i yell at them, they didn't ask to be here and it's not their fault they are 2 and 1 and i'm afraid that they will be afraid and wonder what kind of mood will mommy be in today??? so thats y i'm taking at least one step and going to talk with someone...he(my boyfriend) called me today and wanted to thank me for going to get help, i told him that she is probably going to say to go to couseling together and would he be willing to try, and he said he would....i have to give everything a chance before i make a drastic move like taking the kids and leaving...but if all else fails i will have to leave! i'm still young and life isn't over yet...i deserve to be happy too! also, i need to add that he thinks his sh*t doesn't stink and he knows everything and is never wrong! so that makes things a little harder too....
also, just got a call from my mother and she needs a bone marrow transplant, she was diagnosed with bone cancer afew months ago...so depressed?? ya, i would say soo...THANKS everyone for taking the time to read about my life and responding with good advice and good thoughts!!!
I am so sorry to hear about your mom when you are going trhough such a tough time. I am adding her to my prayers.I beat cnacer last year and I think it was harder on my family than it was on me.
Keep me posted on your moms progress.Prayers works many miracles and we are here for you.
so sorry to hear about your mom, hope things get better for you soon and for her. and well done for taking the first step with getting some help for yourself, i know its the probably the hardest so your'e doing good already! keep it up and try to stay positive :-) glad to hear he's willing to try the councelling, good luck to you both, and to your mom. x
Sorry if this is long. I hope you read it all, because it's important.
Perhaps it would help you to get the other side of the story...from your kids. I am a product of an abusive father. He killed my sister in 1959. How do I know this? Because every time my parents fought, my mother always screamed "Well you killed Karen!" He never went to jail for it, of course, because golly gee, parents didn't kill their kids back then, or so the police thought. Apparently, they must have thought it was NORMAL for a 15 month old baby to have a fractured skull and die from it.
Of course, if he had gone to prison where he belonged, my mother would have been left with 3 little boys to take care of...and my mother is a doormat. Can you imagine knowing that your husband killed your daughter...and you continue to live with him, to sleep with him, and give birth to another daughter? What kind of woman does that?? I was born in 1961, 2 years after Karen died.
You have to get out. You have to get your kids out of that situation. What will happen if the verbal abuse turns into physical abuse? The verbal abuse....I used to cower in my bedroom when I heard those two fight like that. Until the first time I personally saw her get hit by my father. From that time on, I quit being a child and started to protect my mother from him. Every time they got into a screaming match, I would hold on to his arm for dear life to stop him from hitting her. In my mind, his hitting me was better than him hitting my mother. I was 7 years old, after all...and I could take it. She was 39, and she couldn't take it. I was way stronger than her, or so I though. I guess in a way I was.
As soon as I quit cowering and started taking care of her during fights, it was my job to take care of her. And she depended on me being there to stop him. She called my school one day when I was 13. The school let me go home because she told them she needed me. When I got home my mother told me my father had threatened to push her face into the frying pan she was cooking eggs in. Of course, by the time I got home he was gone. Can you imagine putting your 13 year old daughter up against a 43 year old man?? She was scared, so she called me home.
Whether it's physical abuse or verbal abuse, it is still ABUSE. And I will tell you right now, your kids are being abused by living with that kind of fighting. My father was the master of psychological abuse, as well as physical. He knew just where to put the verbal knife in and twist it until he felt better. It wasn't until I was 17 that I quit being afraid. I had finally reached my point where I wasn't going to take it any more. I threatened to kill him in his sleep if he EVER touched me again. And the ******* never did. For a change HE was afraid of ME. And he had reason to be.
If your kids continue to live in a verbally abusive household, a part of them will always hate you for making them live with that. They'll love you, but there's going to be hate there, too. And they'll be passing that on to their children. There is no more important job in the world than for a mother to protect her child. My sister didn't get that and I didn't get that, and I hate my mother with every fiber of my being. And yet I love her, too. She's my mother. The same goes for my father. He died at the age of 57 from a massive heart attack. He died in his sleep. It took me a year before I felt anything and could finally cry for him. But the rage in me is terrible. I'm 45 years old, and I don't remember a time from the time I was 17 years old to this very day as I'm writing this, that I haven't felt that awful rage. Before that it was overwhelming fear.
You can't know, unless you've been through it yourself, what verbal abuse does to a child. The pain. And that pain is never going to go away. They will always remember if you don't get them out before they get older and understand what you are screaming at each other. If you're thinking "well at least he's not hitting us so verbal abuse isn't all that bad," you're kidding yourself.
My parents stole my childhood from me. I remember every nasty thing they screamed at each other. You don't forget that. I have 3 brothers. Well, had. The youngest of my brothers shot himself in the head 3 years ago. My other two brothers are divorced. One of them twice. And I prefer to live alone with my daughter. I will never trust a man. I thought I could, but even with my daughter's father, I couldn't trust him. And it wasn't fair to him. I have too much rage and too much pain in me to inflict that on an innocent man. And had he ever hit her, I'd have killed him. I was scared that I would kill him.
I have raised my daughter on my own and I raised her to be STRONG. It's NOT all right for someone to hit her and it's NOT all right for someone to scream at her. If that happens, LEAVE. Because if you stay, the damage to your kids will be for a lifetime.
Please really think about what you're doing. If you think it's ok to stay because all of the yelling is directed at you and not the kids, IT'S NOT. They HEAR everything, they FEEL everything. Abuse OF you is abuse TO them.
You HAVE to protect your children. If you don't do it, who will?
your absolutly right! and I came from a very abusive home as well, and you would think i would know better! well, this is the reason i went yesterday and talked to a professional....i am starting the rage myself and reacting to whatever he said and making matters worse, and who's here to take the brunt of it????? my kids! and I will not do that anymore...after being with him for the past almost 4 years...i'm starting to behave like him, i find myself saying things the way he would talk, like demeaning and degrading...and i was NEVER like that...so i know i need to calm myself down too. i don't even know what to say about everything you said...i really really appretiate your honesty and openess. i feel i made a step in the right direction yesterday going to the docs...
deep inside i'm a good person and a good mother and your right, my first priority is protecting my children, if i'm not well, i can't do that. sooo...i really have no where at all to go. in order for me to leave i need a plan and the first part of the plan is to get myself well. thank you soo much for your words of wisdom!! your story is something that i couldn't forget, believe me....talk later..
But what if one isn't completely sure if the abuse is themself or their husband? I feel like its him, he is so needlessly mean to me. I try to start out calm and make things a discussion, if heated, and he just keeps pushing, with this attitude like his poopy don't stink, and I blow up. But once that button is pushed I would have to say, if I were to be honest, that I am the abusive one. I say a lot worse stuff then he does, and I get a lot louder. I put so much effort into not getting that way because I don't want my son to see it, but he just keeps pushing and pushing until I do, and being so depressed I don't have as much control over my emotions as another person might, so I snap. So who is the abusive one? Do I even have a right to seperate him from his child if its me?
One might think with my anger problems that I should leave and baby should stay with him. With my depression and self hatred I believe there is nothing about myself that is good and I haven't confidence in anything, except one thing. I am the better parent. I am more patient with him, and more responsible when it comes to baby.
he may be the abuser but he's turning you into one, like you said you retaliate when he pushes your bottons, the same thing happens to me...when i went to the doctor they want to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder and what they call PTS Post traumatic syndrom (syndrome), like if you went to war, instead it was my abusive childhood...they perscribed me Celexa...and it's supposed to help with the anger and it's supposed to help you step back from the situation and think before we react...like my doctor said, the meds won't make him dissappear and the verbal abuse stop...it's only to help me control myself....and in order for you not only to be the "better" parent, you should be getting help, it's not going to get better, if you don't address it...for your childs sake...also it's very clear to me in my situation that i can't stay with him, but i need to help myself get well before i make a move. it's sounds alot like your husband, like mine, KNOWS... that we won't leave and we will never find anyone to love us the way they do! guess what they are wrong we deserve to be happy just like anybody does! but no one else is going to do that for us...we need to act! and getting help is the first step....
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