depression and bonding

I have a son that is almost 2. I have had a lot of depression issues and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (though I don't know that I believe that). I had my son via ceaserean. That caused a lot of severe depression. I know that sometimes causes immediate bonding issues, but I feel as though it has gone on far too long. I love my son, but I have always felt disconnected. Could this be an unhappy side effect of a c-section or complications of depression. I have been on several different medications that have done nothing to alleviate this feeling of distance.

[Poo44clooner]

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate to postpartum depression. I wanted to get pregnant and then miscarried and when I got pregnant again I considered myself the luckiest girl in the world. When I felt her kick in me I was overjoyed and each time I saw her on the ultrasound I grew more and more in love with her. During the final month I couldn't wait to meet her. When I gave birth to her she was the most beautiful baby with rosy cheeks and black hair and the darkest eyes. I thought for sure she was the smartest, prettiest and best baby in the world. I was dam proud to carry her out of the hospital to finally go home. But that is when the hell started. I started to resent her, I thought she was smarter than me, I had visions of wanting to bash her head against the wall and throw her around. I could not understand what my head was doing. This was my child. I would race over to my parent's home which was just about 5 minutes away and that would relieve some of the pressure and the constant crying and attention that she needed. But I also noticed that I was not bonding to her like she quickly bonded to my mother. My baby would make eye contact with her but not with me. It took about over 21/2 months before my baby actually looked into my eyes. I hugged and loved her even more. But when I had to go back to work after 3 months my mom took care of her. So even up to the age of 2 if she fell she would cry and go and call my mother "momma." That broke my heart. I have major depression and had to stop taking the meds during pregnancy but quickly started this cocktail of antidepressants when I came home from the hospital that kept me so sleepy and tired. I never had any confidence when it came to raising her. My mom told me that she was going to Italy and to take a week off and bond with her. And we did. We did everything together and she grew more attached to me than before.
I don't know if this story helps you any. I am not an expert but I do believe you have some sort of postpartum depression and maybe something else, I don't know. I would consult your gyno and see a psychiatrist for help.
It sounds like you desperately need it for you and your child.
Hold on to the love you have for your child when the days are worse.
Angela