disturbed 24 yr old daughter

how can i help my daughter. she has angry emotional outbursts, seems extremely forgetful, especially with money, objects, always anxious, can't stay in college, but can hold down a job...just seems constantly irresponsible.
she is taking 100 mg of zoloft and also a drug called clonapin for her anxiety. she constantly blames me for her troubles because i divorced her father. she has been on meth and marijuana in the past. i feel completely drained and very angry at her. she just called to borrow $200 because she says she lost it while on a trip...i am to hold her paycheck so that she can pay me back when she comes back...should i wire her the money...? am i simply enabling her? i am so sick of her irresponsiblity...but she always finds a way to make herself seem like she is in a terrible position...i feel so guilty if i don't help her out....it always seems to make sense at the time..then i wonder if i have just been taken...my question, could she have brain damage from the meth to cause her to be so constantly anxious and forgetful...could the zoloft and clonapin combo be causing some of this...i can tell when she calls she is genuinely distressed and overanxious...but it just goes on and on....i am at my wits end...if she is truly in trouble i would never forgive myself if i didn't help her...yet at the same time, don't want to be a convenient way out of her growing up...please help...thanks.

[uberadtx]

First of all, meth, ecstasy, LSD and the like cause psychosis. Thats a fact and its the least of your problems.  The both of you are sick and I hope you realize that.  There is no reason for you to be feeling the way you do.  Wire her the money to quell the situation and focus on yourself.  The problem here is that it feels very complicated to you and that all of YOUR emotions are tied up in your daughter and HER situation.  Thats called Co-dependence and sooo many people suffer from it.  Whats making this worse is that she is non-functioning and you are feeling like a failure because of it.  So stop right there!  You HAVE to empower yourself TODAY!   Its the only way to help you and your daughter.  You need to do the following: contact CODA (www.codependents.org); get a counselor who specializes in family addiction matters and rally some support from someone you trust.  You HAVE to make some lifestyle changes.  The problems you are facing here require you to think outside the box.  This is not an issue for a medical doctor though we are inclined to go to them, but the disease is lethal!! You are involved in a VERY toxic relationship and it is NO ONES fault.  The only fault is if you do nothing to change it.  Yes, your daughter is sick but the only way to help her is to help yourself first.  Have you ever been on an airplane?  When the crew goes over safety procedures about the oxygen masks they emphasize that the parent put THEIR mask on first BEFORE helping the child.  It doesn't make sense right away but it really does.  How can the parent be useful if they don't have THEIR oxygen and wits about them?  You must do something like this now.  Breathe life into yourself so you can help your child.  Let me know your thoughts and progress.

[Daybreaker82]

I would tell her that because of her irresponsibility with money you do not trust her with it and you will pay for her trip home and that's about it. Or do what is really in your gut to do this time but definitely do not keep enabling her, as tough as it may be for you to watch. But try to get her help. Keep in mind, a person can only benefit for help if they truly wan to change. Maybe she hasn't come to that point yet. I feel for you because I know it is a hard thing to watch, probably especially as a parent. Try to talk to her. Try to level.

[jo929]

maybe she has had her way all of her life and still expects things to go her way tell her to grow up its timw she is out of the nest if she is 24 unless you want her under your feet i it is good for all parents to teach their chidren responsibilities as they grow make them wqork for what they get  makes them appreciate it more   lots luck   jo

[brighterreality]

I am 34 and I went through almost the exact situation your daughter is going through now.  I do not think you have to worry about brain damage.  You do need to ensure she is not taking any other drugs and she is off the meth.  You are enabling her to a degree (as my parents did), but she needs to know you are there for her so do not beat yourself up over this.  I would be concerned about the Klonopin.  I was prescribed this medication and took it as directed, but looking back now...I think this medication needs to be monitored very closely and most people do not need to be on it.  I have had success with Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil at different times because to this day I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but have controlled it for the last ten years.  I am in senior mgmt, so do not lose hope on your daughter!  I would not beat her up about college right now, either.  School is important, but most people have problems with school if their mind is anxious and depressed.  Focus on getting her to believe in herself, getting the right combination of medicine(s) from her psychiatrist, hold her accountable to pay you back (this will make her feel better about herself whether she realizes it or not), and most importantly, DO NOT give up!  She needs you!  Don't be overbearing, though, some of this she will have to conquer on her on.  One thing, you mentioned she can keep a job...this is good, but is it a good job she can use to build her resume?  If it is a bar or nightclub job, get her away from that environment.  For me, from 20-24 years of age, I lived the "nightlife" because it made me temporarily feel better.  Looking back, I wasted all that time of my life and I thought I was doing well because I kept a job also, but it wasn't a job that benefited me at all later.
Get her mind straight...it won't happen overnight, but then she can focus on school and she will be more succesful at school as well.

[kmellinger]

thanks so much for your kind insight...since you have been through some of this stuff like my daughter, your comment i trust...uberdtx seems bitter and judgmental..yes i will always be there for my daughter....what i did not mention in my first chat...is that my ex has been shelling out $$ whenever my daughter needed them, i have given a little money, mostly for health related things, i am not making much $$!!!...he is getting remarried...and i have a boyfriend.( neither of us cheated on each other during the marriage, by the way) these relationships happened at least 2 years after the divorce..so she is angry about all that and feels deserted...i think that is at the heart of it all...however, she left home, did the drug thing when she was 16....i have invited her to live in my home many times....nope...she just wants cash..and has always gotten her way, through the ex..she is very spoiled and enabled...which is exactly WHY i left my husband...he would not listen to me or respect me...felt that i was just being mean and unreasonable when dealing with her...by the way, this jerk (my ex) was always GONE during most of her childhood doing research in africa...so i think his enabling is all about his guilt about being gone so much during my children's childhoods...my daughter's sister who is younger has finished college at an ivy league school and did very well...so this is even more threatening...and she feel she is a failure...it is all very complicated...and i understand..but despite my reassurances that she is BRIGHT and capable...she needs to prove that to herself...it HAS gotten better, but every now and again...something like this money thing happens...i cannot tell you how awful it felt leaving her high and dry...but it needed to be done...i will never give up on her...hopefully, deep down she knows that...she is a truly caring loving person...she is perceived by many that way....her anger mostly seems to fall on me...but that is because i make her feel safe and just listen....but man, did that hurt...more than anything i worry about her involvement with drugs...i don't think so ...but who can know? anyways...thanks so much for your words of wisdom and hope...i hang on....congratulations for becoming such a wise, compassionate and competent person!!!

[loty1213]

From the medical prespective anxiety and depression are secondary to Bipolar disorder and possible ADHD, both are complicated by drug abuse. The right diagnosis is a very important key as antidepressants alone will not likely to help. Appropriate diagnosis and treatment with counseling should be tried.

[savik]

I once read that the parent that children try to hurt the most are those that they love and trust the most.
When my parent's divorced, I felt like I had no real home to go back to; it was a bitter divorce.  It still hurts.  Every person handles it differently--the youngest may just be better at focusing despite.
I hope you and your daughter repair things and get better soon.

[kmellinger]

yes, my daughter was actually given medication for what might be bipolar disorder and had a very negative reaction to it...apparently the end result was that she could not have been bipolar....i teach and have seen ADHD personalities often...and i don't perceive my daughter to have....but maybe she should be re-evaluated...there are no instances of either disorder on either side of her parents....it is tough finding therapists that are effective, we are in a rural area...i have contacted several psychiatrists in a larger city for her to see after January...guess we will go from there....i agree with savik....my daughter feels most comfortable and safe with me...tough role sometimes...but i will always be there..by the way...last night, she called and apologized...though she remained very defensive...we continue to keep the lines of communication open...thanks to you all for letting me unload....helps so much! i just wish i could relieve her of her anger, to get all this behind her and have a good life, but she must do the work first...how do you find a good therapist/psychiatrist? i am leery of all these meds they prescribe....she was overprescribed, dangerously so, by someone in my small town....one of these quacks was recently arrested for cocaine use...wonderful....about a year ago she spent about 3 weeks with me, getting off an anti-anxiety medication and it was horrible....she is off that...but to replace it, went on Zoloft/Klonapin combo...that helped...but i just wish she could be OFF everything...is that unrealistic?...she feels she will need to on something the rest of her life.....she also smokes cigarettes, though i don't think she drinks except an occasional beer. not sure about other drug use...i don't see much evidence of that, judging by her previous behavior from when i KNEW she was on something....this is such a nightmare.

[kmellinger]

yes, my daughter was actually given medication for what might be bipolar disorder and had a very negative reaction to it...apparently the end result was that she could not have been bipolar....i teach and have seen ADHD personalities often...and i don't perceive my daughter to have....but maybe she should be re-evaluated...there are no instances of either disorder on either side of her parents....it is tough finding therapists that are effective, we are in a rural area...i have contacted several psychiatrists in a larger city for her to see after January...guess we will go from there....i agree with savik....my daughter feels most comfortable and safe with me...tough role sometimes...but i will always be there..by the way...last night, she called and apologized...though she remained very defensive...we continue to keep the lines of communication open...thanks to you all for letting me unload....helps so much! i just wish i could relieve her of her anger, to get all this behind her and have a good life, but she must do the work first...how do you find a good therapist/psychiatrist? i am leery of all these meds they prescribe....she was overprescribed, dangerously so, by someone in my small town....one of these quacks was recently arrested for cocaine use...wonderful....about a year ago she spent about 3 weeks with me, getting off an anti-anxiety medication and it was horrible....she is off that...but to replace it, went on Zoloft/Klonapin combo...that helped...but i just wish she could be OFF everything...is that unrealistic?...she feels she will need to on something the rest of her life.....she also smokes cigarettes, though i don't think she drinks except an occasional beer. not sure about other drug use...i don't see much evidence of that, judging by her previous behavior from when i KNEW she was on something....this is such a nightmare.

[loty1213]

TO be objective go to WWW.ADHD.COM. This is an online tool to screen for ADHD.
For Bipolar disorder checkout this excellent source from the National Institute on Mental Health.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-publication.shtml

[jdtm]

Have you considered BPD - borderline personality disorder?  Just a thought ...

[NicoleHope]

This may be a stretch, but putting her in a rehab facility that focuses on psychotherapy and personal growth may really help her. The antidepressants are fine, but I agree with brighter reality - klonopin is a serious drug. Its actually almost as physiologically addictive to the body as heroin. Ativan is atleast a little bit gentler.