I was diagnosed with depression 8 years ago. The first time I suffered depression I was very young and even at that point in life, had suicidal thoughts. I took medication and seen a therapist and a few years later I was back to my normal self again. A few years after that, depression struck again. I again was prescribed medication and therapy which I completed and a year or so after was back again.
After high school I went to college and had a great first year but approximately half way through my second year it all started to come back to me again. I wasn't attending school as much, not completing work and basically pushed away any friends I had in college and kept to myself. From then things have been escalating. At the start of my third year I started for the third time anti-depressants but in December could no longer afford to pay for them. My depression is currently back and its more overpowering than ever. I have quit school because the stress was too much and now its been over 2 weeks that I am in bed crying for 3/4 of my day. My parents are going to help me with medication payments once I see my doctor again but I am honestly hopeless. I don't believe this will ever go away. I really want to know if I am going to be like this for the rest of my life, passing a few years doing therapy, feeling good for a year then starting all over again.
Please someone if you have any suggestions or answers for me, let me know. Thank you
I tend to view depression as a tumour, one that cannot be operated on to completely remove, but can shrink and, if monitored and properly cared for, stay small. When you ignore the tumour it begins to grow again, and before you know it you've got a giant brain lump that you have to once again fight to shrink back down.
In our case, even once the depression has cleared we need to keep our new coping skills, practise positive lifestyles, and check in every now and then to make sure we don't feel a growth forming. The biggest mistake one can make with this mental tumour is thinking that it's gone for good, as when they do that they typically begin slowly sliding backward into old routines and ways of thinking.
This doesn't mean you will be unhappy for the rest of your life, or that you will be fighting a constant upward battle until the end of time. The struggle to maintain a life without depression will lessen, and the things you learn through therapy and/or self-help books will become more natural. What's left is maintenance and the occasional taking of your mental pulse, but beyond that your life can be as "normal" as any other.
It sounds like you're at a place right now where you need to figure out when to start taking your pulse - that perhaps this wasn't covered in your therapy. I would suggest bringing up post-depression maintenance with a therapist to see if they can help you find where you need to focus on in your own life and if/when you need to do those checks more often.
Many people with depression go thru it in a manner similiar to what you are experiencing.
You're doctor should start to consider that you may need to remain on a 'maintenance dose' of medication all the time to help prevent the relapses. It's a lot better then going thru the constant swings and dealing with the physical effects time and time again.
I see many depressive disorders as long term ailments that can be successfully treated and frequently wax and wane throughout our lifetimes.
Hi I know your post is over a year old but from reading it I'm sure you might still appreciate a comment. I'm 17 and I've suffered from bouts of depression from a very young age, I attempted suicide earlier in the year; that was a real rock bottom point for me. Reading your post is like reading something about me. I completely understand how you feel! It's awful; deep down I know there's the person that I really am, but I can't get to her because there's this thing in my head that just affects every thought I have and everything I do. My Dad is clinically depressed and so "growing up with depression" has multiple meanings for me! He often says it's like having asthma (much like the tumor comment^) you'll never get rid of it, but it doesn't have to kill you or ruin your life. We just have to learn new coping mechanisms and try to find a way through. You're older than me so if anything I'm sure I know even less than you, I've only been medicated and had therapy for a year so far; but I'd just like you to know that even though we may be on opposite sides of the earth and we don't know each other, I know what you're going through and I have all the sympathy in the world for you! Please don't give up on things and let depression take away your life. You deserve to be happy. We all do.
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