don't know what to do

[thomas_943]

hey. i've battled depression on and off for years now, without medication. But i've had enough of feeling down in the dumps and exhausted all the time. I dunno if i'm preggo right now or in the middle of a m/c which doesn't help my self esteem too well. It'll be the 2nd miscarriage in 6 months now. I'm always lacking energy and ambition. While other moms are out taking their kids to the park or playing sports in the back yards, we watch movies and color pictures. We're not fat I feed them very healthy meals and only allow snacks on a rare occasion. But I don't have the energy or drive to keep a clean house, or even be happy around my family. I do have a lot of stress, but mostly from me not being able to do the things that other moms do. While i have had some adderall and that seemed to help, alot, i just don't know if I should get a rx for that or if I should get on some anti-depressants. The reason I'm saying i don't know what to do is because i've never gone to a doctor for mind altering drugs, i've been a strong believier in natural remedies or dealing with it. Do I go to a psychologist? because i can't stand them. do i go to a regular doc? do i just say hey, i want some drugs, cause that's a little questionable. i just don't know what steps i should take to make myself normal.

[thomas_943]

I have always been anemic, and i know that counts for part of my exhaustion. But with all the bloodwork i've been going through the past couple weeks (monitoring a poss miscarriage) my blood and hemoglobin was actually normal and i was quite shocked. with my last preg i had to take both prenatals and extra iron.
and it has taken a lot of work, and honestly the mediation and chakra work did help out a lot. i learned to forgive and move on and how to let go of a lot of pain. and whats left are just the emotions i can't control. emotions were never really allowed in my house, so they all got packed away and when they finally came bursting out, i didn't know what they were or what to do with them. so that took a while to understand as well.
and i hate being so self-centered like this, talking about myself. i'm usually the one there for everyone else. so i really appreciate your guys' advice and kind words. it doesn't happen often.
i go to see a nurse that's working with me and my m/c on monday and i think i'll talk to her about it then. being that she knows my situation she may know what doc i should see that would be able to relate a little more.
and even though i've been exhausted, i still can't sleep either. i'm awake till 1-2 in the morn and then lay in bed for nearly an hour till i pass out then i'm up at 730-8. i got some sleeping pills tonite, so i'm gonna see if that'll help.
thank you again.

[mammo]

You're correct, that admitting you have a problem is the first step and a big one!  Good for you for doing this!  I agree also, that you're weren't looking for attention, but even if you were, to feel you had to go to this extreme to get it, says a lot and should have been a big red flag to everyone that something was wrong!!  You've done very well at working thru all this on your own, not many people could do this.  You are depressed, and this does need to be addressed.  As an adult you can choose where you go for help, and your parents will have no say in it, nor can your doctor dicuss any of it with them.  Now you can make all the choices, not them.  So, it doesn't really matter what they think, or what the doctors thought and said in the past.  You start fresh, with a psychiatrist, just the 2 of you.  You'll get there!

[becky808]

Do you like your General Practitioner or OB? Or have another Dr you prefer to see?  
Most Drs can perscribe anti depressants. They will usually ask you how you've been feeling and why you think you might be depressed. They give you a quiz (little check list quiz) to try to rate how severe the depression may be.
Most of the time they'll also do some bloodwork to make sure your thyroid is functioning normal and to make sure you're not anemic.
Your Dr will also discuss next steps with you.

It sounds like you've been battling depression for a very long time and possibly never got the help you needed. I'm sorry your mom made you feel like you should be able to control your depression or just snap out of it. That's just not the case. No one wants to be depressed. If we could will it all away through diet, exercise and good clean living we all would.

[thomas_943]

I do agree with you on this, I just didn't know what steps to take.
When I said natural remedies, I didn't mean any kind of herbs or anything... I guess I should have specified. I work more with Chakra healing and meditation. But while I want to do more of this, I lack the energy. Its a constant circle.

The one and only time I had ever gotten the courage to seek help was when I told my mom I needed it. I had been cutting for over a year, and it had gotten really bad. I ended up showing her and she pulled over on the side of the road said she wasn't spending the money on helping me (her insurance would have covered it all anyway) and that we were going to resolve everything right then and there. Being that she was the main culprit at that point in time, I got out of the car and started walking home. This was almost 10 years ago. Then I got really good at hiding my emotions and saying the right things. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and when the psychiatrists examined me they told my parents I was just seeking attention. A child doesn't down enough rx pain killers with vodka to kill a horse if they're just seeking attention.
So part of me holds back on getting the help I need because I'm worried that they'll them tell me that I'm not really depressed, that i'm just making it all up and to snap out of it. Because that's what I've always been told. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide anymore, I'm not always sad. I have happy days, sometimes. But i'm always tired and lack motivation.

Thank you for your advice. And like I tell others, admiting is the first step towards fixing... I'll get there.

[mammo]

First of all, your mother is wrong, period.  Second, you are suffering from depression which is not only affecting you and your quality of life, but your family's, which is not fair to either of you.  It is a well known fact that the majority of your therapists, psychologists, etc, have had a lot of problems in their lives and make the best therapists.  Their experiences make them more in tune to others, more empathetic.  You and your children are missing out on so much due to your depression, and you really need to address this right away.  I highly recommend that you see a psychiatrist, as they are best at addressing your issues, and are more knowledgeable when it comes to medications that are best for your specific needs.  Stay away from so called "natural" remedies.  People think because it says natural that they are safe, and they are not.  They are not regulated, and nobody is made aware of serious side effects from the so called "natural" drugs.  Keeping in mind that most of our medications come from the same source as these, but are tested and regulated.  You seem to feel there is a "stigma" attached to taking anti-depressants, and you shouldn't feel this way at all.  You would be shocked to know how many people are on them, and if it makes your and your family's life better, why not take them until you can get your issues resolved?  Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance and you cannot control this on your own, only medication can get things back to where they should be.  You're not living life, just going thru the motions, and I think you and your kids deserve more than this.  Get help and get your life back, you won't regret it.  

[thomas_943]

also, my mother always told me that if i sought help, and talked with doctors about this and went on meds that my future job opportunities would be limited because of my medical history. was she just feeding me a bunch of bull or is that true? Because i'm trying to go to school for psychology... but in a dif area than that of "tell me your problems"