family baggage

I have many issues.  My upbringing was emotionally vacant.  I have a father with a temper who can fly off the handle and get irrational very easily.  My mother seemingly has no emotions, and  has always been unresponsive.  I think this family dynamic has doomed my family from the beginning.  It's always been unpleasant, but it has come to a head.  While away at college, my mother turned into a full-on hoarder.  She's always been a shopper, but after I left, it got out of hand.  I recently graduated, and when I moved back home, the situation is only getting worse.  I wanted to put my things from my apartment into storage to not disrupt an already packed home.  They wouldn't hear of it and proceeded to fill the garage with my stuff.  This has lead to them blaming me for the "stuff" issues since mine is "on top" so to say.  [mind you we have an entire finished basement that is inaccessible from their clutter.]  So I have become the scapegoat as I look for a job and a way out of here.  As I was at home here one of my goals was to try and get rid of all of my items from before college [aka anything i wouldn't take with me when i move out] and get rid of it.  It's been slow, but I have slowly but surely been making dents in the process.  

Remember when I said I had a hothead for a father?  Well, he's not working anymore, and in his time at home he has found that picking fights with me are how he is going to pass the time.  From the things he picks fights about - it's usually about really stupid things in some sort of "power-struggle" he has going on in his head.  He gets completely irrational.  Arguing about lights being left on, or something left on a table in some sort of illogical quest for dominance in the house.  My guess is that he feels out of control with the whole clutter thing and since I'm here [my mother is working full-time, and then often goes shopping afterward, not coming home until later in the day] he takes it out on me.  I've tried to deal with this in A) working on getting my own things streamlined, and B) doing things like helping him to declutter the fridge and freezer [which were promptly refilled btw], and  C)trying to adopt a nocturnal schedule so as to avoid him as much as possible.  He then takes that opportunity to try and call me lazy and blame things on me because I am the most productive when no one is around.  For a while I felt like a had a vested interest in trying to "fix" this house before I leave, but the emotional abuse and manipulation has just become too much.  

I came here to ask for advice or support but I guess I answered it myself.  I just have to get myself out of here asap.  

[Jennifer375]

agreed, you really do. I was almost frightened by your sharing because I just had the same experince with my inlaws. My MIL is the hoarder, and a huge bully both,, with the father in law just appricating my help but terrified to let me do any real cleaning for fear his wife will fly off at the handle. I tried to help the best I could, to 'fix' the problem as you put it,, but I finally realized you cant make anyone change, they just are the way they are and if they choose to be trapped in their own self created 'hell' then thats what they will do. Atleast untl they come to a point where they feel its no longer working for them,, and choose to adopt new ideas and ways of living.

*blessings to you as you venture out into a new beginning*     Jenn

[Jade59]

Man, I was just in the middle of typing my second PARAGRAPH and my screen went blank!!  

Anyway, I was just telling you that my family life was a mirror of yours.  I love your phrase "Emotionally Vacant"  My father was the hoarder and tried to micromanage every single thing I did with my mother never coming to my defense.   I lived with them in my early 30's and it almost killed me.  After I moved out and I could BREATHE I began to see them in a different way.....just other people who have been affected by THEIR childhood and only then was I able to have empathy for them both and move on with my life.   These sorts of personalities you can't fix and if you don't take care of your own emotional needs then they will drag you down into their abyss.  I swear, it got so bad with my folks I was fantasizing on poisoning my dad, isn't that scary?  

Just try to get yourself together and move out.  Even craziness starts to feel a little normal if you live in it long enough.  You will be amazed at how much lighter you feel once your out of that environment.  

Best of luck to you.......

[Jennifer375]

I believe theres a song that is appropriate here..  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECznJPcWiRI  remeber Seals song,, "crazy"? No we're never gonna survive unlessssss we are a little bit crazyyyy.. family really can make you crazy!

*with apprication*       Jenn

[Jade59]

I know that song well, thanks Jenn

[whatsnew]

" I swear, it got so bad with my folks I was fantasizing on poisoning my dad, isn't that scary?"

Wow, our situations really do mirror each other - i know the feeling well.  Not that anything like that would be done, but I do relish when he goes on long trips.  

"My father was the hoarder and tried to micromanage every single thing I did with my mother never coming to my defense."

Aside from my mother being the hoarder [although my father has taken on a lot of tendencies] this statement fits my situation to a "T".  Just hearing/seeing someone write words that could come almost directly out of my mouth makes it a little easier to know that others have had this; have felt this way; that it's a legitimate situation.  Not that I would ever want anyone to experience this - if someone else can get through it so can i.  

thank you both for your support and kind words

[Jade59]

Hey there.........your post helped me too.  I've never read a story so much like my own before.  I had so much HATE in my heart then.  I feel like I need to whisper this, but I even killed one of my mothers prized violets with Drano one day.  Frustration and anger can make a person do terrible things, think terrible things, and no one other than someone who's been through a like situation can relate.  Of course, I would never kill anyone, but that just goes to show that a human being can only take so much!

Once you leave their house, please get some counseling for what you've been through.  That's what saved me.  Feeling so angry and hating another person does not hurt THEM, it only hurts YOU.  It can cause depression, anxiety and a host of other ailments.  Like I said earlier, once I was away from that situation for a few years and could see them as people who have their own problems and the way I was treated growing up did not necessarily have anything to do with me, that's when the anger and hate drained away.  I love my parents today and we have a completely different relationship.  Please don't wait until you are in your 40's like I did to forgive.  I didn't say FORGET, just try to understand and forgive them.  They can't help how they are and they did not purposely bring you into the world to make your life miserable.

Please post again and let me know how you're doing.

Take good care of YOU.........