I've led a rough and unhappy life, and I wrote some ranting here about my frustration,
but recent couple of days I feel strange.
I feel like something is really broken inside this time.
Before today, When I had problems or hard time or struggle, I felt angry and frustrated but there was always some fire inside me. At least anger and annoyance made me get out of bed and go to work.
Today it's just completely gone. Simply gone.
I felt like this only once in my life. When I took risperdal(risperidone). It's antipsychotic med, it blocks neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin receptor so suppresses your emotions to calm you down. Opposite to anti-depressant. When I took it I felt like every hope and will all gone suddenly, I quit it.
Today I feel like exactly the same.
I take xanax on and off but it never gave me this serious side-effects.
Out of blue every will and fire is just gone. I don't even know why.
I'm very aggressive and very angry person inside. That anger was only energy i got to live.
Now that is gone. Nothing is left inside.
I think true depression is like THIS.
I felt I was always depressed but I didn't know what depression meant in genuine way.
Today I feel it.
complete emptiness and void. I don't even want to kill myself anymore. Outside is zero-sub weather I just want to get out and maybe sit down on a bench and want to get killed by cold weather.
I don't even care this post can get your attention anymore. I think people on depression forum are all depressed they don't want to bother to care about other people. I can understand it suddenly.
I think people might say to take anti-depressant, but i have severe sensitivity to anti-depressant, and I was prescribed risperdal, it means I need neurotransmitter blocker, anti-depressants are opposite drugs, I can't take them.
I've said several times I'm tired and frustrated.
But today I don't even feel that.
something is dead inside. Typing is slowered because I feel like I'm dreaming.
You will get your emotions back. You still have them but they are likely bottled up and you will have to find them again. I felt like that when I took the Risperidone as well, but I gave it another try recently and it did the same thing. I son't try it again now. In a sense I am a very aggresive person and it does helo to motivate me sometimes but I have found that love works better. Try to channel some of that for a while. Channel it by thinking of helping someone who is in danger by the hand of someone else, but instead of thinking angry thoughts of hurting that other person, think of what would benefit the abused instead. Sometimes anger is not the best answer.
You have to bring those emotions back but you need to try to tap into more beneficial ones along with the agressive ones. The ones that last the longest are love simplicity and compassion. I am going to recommend to you the same thing I recommend to others...checkk out the fighting depression posts I put on here to try to gain control over your thoughts. Your thoughts are what cause the emotions or lack there of..
Fighting depression part 2
Fighting depression part 3
Fighting depression part 4
Fighting impatience, stress, and fear
I'm thinking about hypnotism, cause i got it too. The more i know the more depressed i become. Kids aren't depressed their always running around and having fun causer their innocent. Maybe you have to reprogram your mind! After all the brain is the most advanced and sophisticated computer known to humans. As a boy i was much too smart, and quickly realized i had arrived in hell, i wasn't like the rest of the kids, all i could think is why this planet is so fake and sad, governed by greed violence, if only it was you're good intentionally had built a paradise. And that's all i could think of stupid grown ups have it wrong!!!! but that's just me, the point is my depression is so severe it began in childhood. I was abandoned by my family, and lived a lie my entire childhood. Maybe you too have suppressed trauma, that must be detour with. Winning the lottery helps!!jkk but a new beginning must be what you maybe a change in lifestyle altogether. I'm thinking o hypnotizing Mt self of something along those lines, i just wanna forget the bad, and have the feeling if a child restored, the feeling of joy and wanting learn and experiance things, the opposite of depression. Its like a monster you have to kill and confuse.
I have days like that, i sit and the longer i sit the less desire i have to live.
Its cause I'm so depressed, but I've read that being a couch potato and not exercising regularly can lead to "dimentia" which is like the same symptoms, only way i regularly cure this is to get out and face life, even if off means others won't like me, and notice i don't like myself to much either obviously. Bit i hey over it and most of the time I'll get theed hang of it and feel better, I'm alive for now!!## F:-):-( K IT wats the wost that could happen, die!? At last I'll end up in a better place, but for now i look good I'm young could die tomorrow, all i say is lord let me live!!!
And you know what, the meds are alot more powerful than you think.
They change how brain works and whatnot. Once i took opiate, and few Weeks later i got the same effect, even though i wasn't taking it. To me looks like risperdal did what it was supposed to do. When i take codeine i feel lie that, also its bad because it gives me gut rot, also get that effect from chough syrup, and alcohol. I often have slow digestion and always wondered, if I'm constipated dossent that mean that the medicine is staying in my system longer, perhaps accumulating in my intestines or something????? Maybe that's what's happening to you idk but it happens to me. I can't take needs daily because of that, otherwise id OD or feel lifeless as you say, hope that helped!!
Oh, did you feel that too on risperidone? and you are aggressive like me?
thx god I'm not only one sensitive to antipsycho meds.
Since I've read your reply I'm thinking about when was the last time I ever helped anyone.... people say i'm nice person but I don't think I actually helped anyone in my life... though I'm good listener and used to counsel my friend's problems...
your recommended post is not linked...maybe medhelp doesn't allow html, it's ok I'll find out through your posts,
Your reply gave me a hint...that I'm really angry and aggressive inside.
I don't have love inside but pretend and cover it with nice face.
would love really cure me? Maybe I'll start to help people with my listening skill? Cause it's been long time since I really listened to people...
I always think about only myself... You made me realize it...
I appreciate you very much for that. I didn't know that before today...
Hey, nice to see you here too! I didn't see your reply before I already sent another message...
I'm so sorry your family abandoned you... my family never abandons me but they are cold and cruel and are very aggressive, they gave me so much trauma, they admit it themselves and sometimes apologied to me for what they have done to me.
I'm not killing myself yet only because I know they love me though they don't know how to express it in right way...
I'm glad you decided to fight the world with your gut!
I like your attitude...
I didn't know you were this seriously depressed when I've been reading your messages...
I'll write more in message cause I've already sent one haha.
Don't worry about what you said. All of us here do understand depression and we also know what it's like to lose all feelings from time to time. Like most of the people here at this forum I also have severe depression. I find it really helps to come here to get and give support. Try to hang in there, okay. We are always here to listen and help if we can.
I think that love could help. It is the opposite of fear and fear is what causes a lot of my aggression and it causes a lot of people's aggression. We build up these defenses that we won't let anybody in because of fear of being hurt or whatever the case, when in all reality it is necessary for us to let down some of them in order to truly care about ourselves. Of course if we spend our lives negatively impacting people we will never truly love ourselves and there for can never truly love anyone else. Make your love unconditional. That means that you....well listen to the Serenity prayer...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
You can't change everybody or everything but you can change yourself if you are not afraid to do so. Try to impress yourself by building on your capacity to forgive, trust, and love. We are not perfect but we are perfectly ourselves.
Do you think if you thought about it long and hard maby you could find the root of the problem? If so letting go of what started it may help (speeking from experience not out my but):) I had been on cylitaphram(misspell) it made my filter dissolve I was not very nice or fun to be around..wasn't quite myself. I've strugled with depression for almost my whole life I had a tough child hood. Also have you been checked for bipolar disorder? A lot of times drs diagnos depression whyle its not or its both. Drinking and some drugs even prescription drugs can make it worse. Have you talked to your dr or maby tryed therapy? It is very late,usually I write a bit better..I hope you find you again. Don't give up.. I didn't read all the post if I said something someone or yourself has already touched on I'm sory.
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