my husband says he loves me and tries to make me happy in the ways he could, but i still get really upset when he doesnt do certain things. my family is religious (type doesnt really matter) and he is not (i am) and we were invited to a family gathering. He refuses to go... citing he will be "uncomfortable" and doesnt like to sleep at other people's homes. #1 i do not ask him to do it often the most is maybe 3-4 times a year. #2 no one will even be in the home we are staying at it would just be us and a family member (no strangers) #3 everyone knows he isnt religious and does not expect him to do anything religious wise. #4 i am his wife and i will be there in case he feels he cant deal with anything that might make him uncomfortable (i told him all this). I feel like he is not giving my family a chance so that he can get to that stage of feeling ok with being with them.
He said that the first time me and him were with my family someone (who we never see right now b/c they live in a different country) who is not really my immediate family but is still my family made him do something he didnt want to. I guess ever since then he doesnt want to go away for family gatherings for fear it will happen again.
I feel like he should try more and give the rest of my family a chance (not everyone is that one person). it makes me really upset and its really embarrassing when people ask me where my husband is. Of course i want to go to my family gatherings.... so I go and I miss him and it makes me very angry at him. I dont know what to do. If I didnt go i would be even more angry and not even want to be with him because he is stopping me. I dont know what to do to make him want to come. I dont know what to do to? maybe just get over the fact he will never want to be included and just be ok with it is something i cant really accept (especially with kids in the future)
After any gatherings i hate him and before i also hate him. It makes me really upset, because about 8 weeks out of the year i hate my husband! :(
does anyone else deal with this? please help.
Hi, yes I have a similar issue with my husband, although not due to religion. My husband gets on great with my parents but won't attend anything that involves my extended family, parties, weddings, even funerals. It is because he is shy and doesn't like being with people he doesn't know that well.
I find this very annoying but I do understand where he is coming from. Sometimes I feel resentful and yes its embarrassing trying to explain his absence. The most recent was my gran's funeral and soon we will be scattering her ashes. I really don't want to have to make excuses for him again and I know my parents will be very annoyed with him if he tries to wiggle out of it.
I'm not really sure what the answer is, if he doesn't go then I'm angry if he does go then he's angry - either way one of us is angry.
Perhaps somebody else will be able to answer our question!
I have two thoughts on this post.
Firstly, I think your husband is being a bit selfish. Someone else's birthday, wedding, funeral etc is a celebration of THEIR lives. Everyone will surely be concentrating on the person who's special occasion it is, not focussing on your husband. Most religions have festivals and holidays, and your husband accepted your culture and beliefs when he married you. What is he like at other social gatherings, for example if one of his friends or colleaugues hosted a birthday party?
Secondly, why don't you and your husband host a party or celebration at your home next time it is his birthday or your anniversary and invite your relatives? That will make your husband feel more comfortable as he will feel more in control in his own home.
I understand your hurt. You want to a complete family environment, and without your husband, it's not complete. But if he's feelilng uncomfortable in any way, then he shouldn't be pressured to go. It's not fun being in an uncomfortable environment. But in a marriage their is comprimise (spelling?). I love the idea of your family visiting your home. That would make your husband feel at ease. Or, have him go to events just once a year. My mom travels to see us without my stepdad all the time, and there's no hard feelings. I know he loves us, but just can't make it to visit for whatever reason. But he always invites us to fly to visit him. Don't make this a reaccuring issue in your marriage. Events happening about 3 times a year shouldn't effect the other 362 times you are with your husband.
well when he has family gatherings he doesnt always go either, i guess because of the religion thing too, but i do think that he should try to just make me happy by being with me some of the time when i go away. he will only stay over at his parents house and even then he doesnt really like to stay to long
when it comes to friends since they are not affiliated with any religion he goes and its not a problem.which is i guess kinda drives it in for me that he COULD hang out with people but not necessarily all kinds of people.(and is also more open to sleeping over at their homes-but will cite the sleeping over thing as an issue other times-for religious or even not religious occasions) so it annoys me.
he always says to invite people to our home, but we are not the people who had a kid or whatever other reason people make partys for... so we still have to go to other people...
that is very good what you said and i appreciate you understanding me so well. it is true i couldnt put it into words but you said it perfectly. when my whole family is at the dinner table and my husband is not there i feel a little empty (not complete) and imagine that he would do what my sisters husband is doing(like pouring a drink) and i try not to let it bother me... but it does.
and i guess im upset because when we got married he married me and everything i stand for and when he doesnt do what is expected (like just being there for me) it is hurtful because i feel like the marriage is almost like a fake and not real. (it can feel that way when i feel like i have no husband with me when i go away)
i do try not to make it an issue, so i just try not to talk to him about it, but that is confusing b/c if something is bothering you, you should talk to your husband... b/c once you start keeping feelings inside that is when problems start.
Yes, your right, you should express your feelings to him. This issue doesn't seem like its working the way it is,so come up with one comprimise and stick to that. Just come to the conclusion that he is not going to visit your family 3-4 times a year, and release the resentment you feel. Hopefully the comprimise will satisfy both of y'alls needs. Wow, I wish I could be this understanding and supportive in my own life. Sometimes I can say it but not live it. You know.
Sounds familiar. I maybe able to provide something of the your husband's perspective since he & I sound similar. My wife and her 4 siblings are a close family and enjoy getting together fairly frequently. Each family lives an hour away. Even though everyone is fairly pleasant, I always felt on the outside because all connections seemed to go through those 5 siblings. It was not enjoyable. I felt it was really a get together for them. All 5 are friendly but still, I didn't go many times. My wife said she understood but ultimately, I know resented this on some level. I am that way generally so it was not unusual behavior. I admit that it appears like selfish behavior and I think some of it maybe is. Although her family considered me to be warm, kind, and friendly, I think I am narcissistic and self-centered. In our case it was more about my introversion and our marriage. We were pretty good one-on-one but I was not happy with how we behaved in groups. We were not so good relaxing and having laughing fun together.
If your husband is like me, I'm guessing he will not be too interested in hosting as this would be too social. I suggest, 1) Set aside some non-rushed time to listen very closely and neutrally to your husband's feelings about this. You think you understand but try again. In order for him to later listen closely to you, it's very important that you listen without resentment. Listen to try to understand from his point of view, without forming opinions along the course of the conversation. For him this is a matter of feeling very uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed without any apparently "good" reason. If this behavior is consistent for him in other situations, you may not make much progress. 2) Seeing a counselor may help provide the neutrality necessary, if accumulated resentment keeps you from communicating effectively. I'm afraid that my wife and I are now separated after many years of marriage (25+, we're still ~friends). I became more introverted through the years. While she was a good listener, I'm not convinced that my wife could ever really understand how I felt. I have always been a high-feeling person, where as she much less so. Good luck!
yeah i will try to come up with a comprimise and figure out a way that we can both be happy.
sometimes im TOO understanding and i think that can sometimes be an issue, so im trying in some situations to put my foot down or not say "oh ok if you dont want to do that.. then we could do this" sometimes its better not to be so nice!
my husband is social he just doesnt like to go to gatherings were he might feel uncomfortable b/c someone might ask him to do a religious tradition and he isnt interested in it.
for example a family bbq is ok because it is not centered around a religious thing.
the one thing i really love about my husband is that he brings out the social in ME. i used to not know what to say at parties and feel very odd, but im much better at it then i used to be b/c i learned to pick up on what it was that other people do and say and learned to do it too (even if sometimes i embarrass myself!)
thank you for the advice!
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