help me

I don't know if im in the right forum, but need help with dealing with a mother who has mental issues.  she is 66 years old and has been difficult to deal with as long as i can remember since i was a child. she is a abusive verbally, undermines everything i do and is manipulative to my father.  very complicated situtation. i can no longer deal with her demands and tantrums. she is always in need of constant attention and contact with me. she can not take care of herself, but she is not ill physically (just overweight). Im tired have no patience anymore.  please help.

[el_dave]

I don't know if it will be of any use, but I'll tell you about my girlfriend's Mom. She abandoned my girlfriend, who was subsequently raised by an Aunt. They kept in touch, but there was never really a mother-daughter relationship. Later in life, her Mom was diagnosed weith terminal cancer, and my girlfriend, who had been through nursing school, dropped her life, grabbed the kids and her unemployed husband, and moved up here to take care of her Mom in yer final months or perhaps years. Well, apparently her Angel's touch did some good, because her Mom became one of those "miracles" you hear about and is now going to live. In her deep appreciation for her daughter's sacrifices, her Mom now gets drunk every night (and many days), calls my girlfriend names, pretty well trashes her. Thank goodness she's not directly nasty to the kids, but she's hardly what you would call nice either.

Some people are just not satisfied unless they're miserable and making everyone around them miserable. That's just the way they are, and they're not going to change. If your Mom is like that, perhaps you should just regretfully let the system take care of her problems and withdraw emotionally. You know... in one ear and out the other, water off a duck's back, all that. 'Cuz if she's like my girlfriend's Mom she's only going to be happy when causing misery. Sometimes a bit of coldness is justified.

Is your dad on your side?

[lonewolf07]

Like your mother, I too have suffered from mental issues - depression and anxiety - ever since I was a child.  My four children, who are now adults, grew up with a depressed, anxious single parent.  Without going into all the details, please don't ever stop telling your mother you love her no matter how difficult she might be.  My youngest daughter cut me out of her life because of my mental disabilities even though I was in therapy.  Is there some way you can get a caregiver for your mother, preferably one skilled in dealing with mentally ill patients?  This would provide treatment for your mother and give you some time to yourself.

If your mother wants constant attention, she probably has a reason for it.  That doesn't mean you have to provide her with attention all the time or put up with her "abuse".  She could have some sort of dementia that needs treatment.   Sorry this message is so scattered.   I wish only the best for you.  My hope is that you will always let your mother know you love her and care for her, even if it is by phone or e-mail.  No need to get yourself stuck in her problems but she needs you.  When my daughter cut me off  because of my own mental illness, I wanted to jump off a building.  If you can, just try to keep your own space, set limits on how often you want contact with your mother and just let her know you care.  Your mother needs medical/psyciatric help.  You need room to breathe.  No reason you both can't have what you need.

Didn't mean to turn this into a lecture.  Hugs and good thoughts to you all.

lonewolf

[el_dave]

Lonewolf, In your case, though, you're not at all deserving of such treatment. Dallas' Mom actually is also undeserving of the treatment she gets, but it's the opposite.. Dallas treats her mother much, much better than her Mom deserves. Someone like you deserves to be treated like Dallas treats her Mom, and your daughter's actions would be much more appropriate for Dallas' Mom. You guys (Mr. Bird is driving me nuts here, he's a frustrated typist) should trade daughters!

MM5, if you take lonewolf's statement and my statement and find a happy medium between them, then you've done all you can do. Does she manipulate your dad to the point where he becomes part of the problem?

[lonewolf07]

MM5 and el-dave

Maybe I was unclear in what I said.  In my opinion, just love your mother and tell her that often but also take care of yourself.  That is why I suggested a caregiver or therapist for her.  Your mother needs your love and caring but she also needs professional help, preferably from an outside source.

[el_dave]

Or perhaps I was unclear in what I read. More likely, I was unclear in what I said, though everything all along the line, yours and mine, makes perfect sense to me. It would be a TERRIFIC help if Barty could quit hopping onto the keyboard and mouse, or at least quit pecking at my fingers. I'm afraid Bartholemew has quite a few human qualities. I wish I could put him out in the house with the Icepick, but I'm afraid kitten has that look in his eye..