help.

OK so I am goiing to start by saying I feel like a fraud.  I think I might be depressed, but then it could just be sttention seeking? or maybe I am very slightly suicidal, but then maybe I am just a littl crazy and a whole lot normal and just driving myself insane.
I seem to go through cycles of "low" times. I don't think I am depressed but then I'm not sure how else to describe it. I hate my job, my marriage is on the rocks, my parental family is hard work and I really can't be arsed with life much. I feel stressed and irritable, I waste hours watching TV or surfing the net and then resolve to be better tomorrow but I never am. I don't get to sleep until 2 or 3am and then get cross with myself because I sleep in and don't get much of a morning with the kids before work.
I get through work and most people think I am fine, I get through home life and hubby doesn't seem to notice anything wrong  (then again he wouldn't really notice if I started henging noose's up everywhere). I hae a very nice automatic emotional wall surrounding me which I have no idea how to take down. But then on the inside I'm screaming, panicky and keep writing suicidal/depressive stuff even though I have no intention of doing anything.
I lie continuously, but only to myself, I make stuff out worse than it is when I put stuff on paper, it's like attention seeking only I don't show it to anyone.
I am not normal and I have no Idea what to do, it has been this way for years and it is only getting worse.
please tell me I am normal or crazy or something? can anyone relate to this? I feel like a freak and I feel so guilty for being this way.

yak

[Bubulous]

Fighting depression is a difficult thing.  You are normal.  If it were easy I wouldn't be on here and neither would anyone else.  What has changed over the last couple of years?  What were you doing before that you are not doing now?  What is your job?  How old are your kids?  Just a little bit more information if you can provide it would help.  I know a lot about depression but it seems you are having trouble putting your finger on how you are feeling.  Of course it could be depression.  It can be caused by loneliness and loneliness doesn't mean you are not surrounded by people, it means that even surrounded by people you feel alone.  
It is often brought on by boredom.  If you are spending a lot of time watching tv, you are doing yourself no good.  When you have been depressed for as long as it sounds like you have it will not change over night or with a simple thing going your way.  It is a life style change and you have to figure out what that looks like for you.
Anyway that is a bit of information and others will give you more.  Feel free to tell as much or as little as you wish.  You can tell a two page story of what you have been through, what you are going through, and what you are worried about going through in the future.

[yakyakfire]

thankyou so much for your reply, I guess I dashed off my post in a slight fit of panic.  I woke up this morning with a great action plan to tackle the husbands lack of emotional support by writing him a plain speaking letter, in lipstick, on the mirror.....then shook myself, thought, that's not right and got a cup of tea instead :).
So, I work as a rent arrears officer for social housing, which really is a pretty pants job, but it pays well and I only do four days a week, it is soul destroying, stupidly stressful and I don't even fit in with my team so I am sort of looking for another job, but I can't just walk out on it (as tempting as that seems some days).
I have wonderful little boy who is 8yrs old but I don't give him the attention he deserves and we have always struggled a little bit as I am fairly sure I had the baby blues and we never really bonded like you are supposed to.
I have a fab husband who is great on every level except that he is an emotional island with no awareness of any one else's emotions.
But....... I guess the key element which I hate to admit is a history of child ause, which I thought I was over.  I have always had these low episodes ever since I was a teenager, they got pretty bad when I was pregnant and then a while ago I had to spend a lot of time with my abuser and it got really bad, I finally plucked up the courage to cut him out of my life about a month ago and some but not all of my family were behind that decision.
I guess there is some emotional strain there, but it's like it is fine on the surface and it only comes out in these repeated stupid episodes of lowness where I feel like screaming, and I only hold it together by the skin of my teeth because I have bills to pay and I can't let my mum know that I'm crazy because she just totally wouldn't get it. does that make sense?

[Bubulous]

I can't imagine what it was like to have to spend time with your abuser.  Anyone can look fine on the surface.  Everyone of us learn how to be actresses and actors as we go through life.  Just because we don't make it to Hollywood doesn't mean we can't act.  The differences is that they are intentionally acted like someone else and they understand that they are not that person.  You are acting like somebody else and you think that you are that person.  You are the person inside and you are not the projected image that you show to people.  It creates a dynamic where you build on this world of lies and before long you are trapped in it.  When you tell a lie, or don't tell the truth--whichever applies, it creates a false world where it is true. The more you lie, or don't tell the truth, the more that world looks like reality instead of the world where you belong.  You live in a world of fear where I live in a world of love.  I don't have anything that you cannot have.  I had to fight to get to the state of mind that I am in now and I still have to fight everyday to be able to stay in it.
Don't know if all that applies but I hope you got something out of it....

Good Luc,
Larry