i am lifeless

hi i have been with my husband for 6 years and i am now in a big corner of the wall in my life. i am wondering what i should do i am  researching and i have to a conclusion that i am dissociative amnesisa and dissociative identity disorder. i have lived a horrible screwed up life i wentt to parties and had been molested by family , i had got pregnant ended up with a man that i never cared for but i feel i have always depended on a man to take care of me i have never been on my own in life, i 25 years old and we can't stop arguing about the litttle things and the big things sometimes but it is a fight where he gets into it and then he tells me he has cheated a whole 6 months, he has been in ontarion for 6 months before i got here i had come down here thinking things would change but i feel i cant change and he can't accept it. i am feeling hopeless and depressed to the point of thinking suicidal but  have my daughter  , i try to apologize all the time and it don't help, he gets mad at the house being a messs or my spending money , i don't have a job right now but i can't stop shopping , i also show him i love him by having sex with other guys asnd come back and screw him with the *** inside he says it feels good but now he has a certain criteria with the guys and i can't do it anymore i want a real normal relationship, am i doing the right thing by going home and leaving for good,? i am scared what i am going to do i have no place or money when i go back but ill have support, i do litttle things like leave things on the floor and he gets mad and degrades me when that happens i tell him i don't see it , i have been going to gym and haven't lost any weight i have been there for 4 weeks now, i am really scred and upset what should i do?

[teko]

Use all that negative energy to get your life straightened out. Seek therapy, get a job or volunteer somewhere that will make you feel like you are contributing so something. Helping others somethimes helps us help ourselves. Your relationship is not healthy for either of you and suicidal thoughts are a call for immediate help. I am sure you have heard it said that it is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. Take your life back and you be in control. You are young and it is not too late to turn it around. First step, get help, second, do something that makes you feel worthy, third step would be to get out of this relationship, even if it means relying on state help temporarily.