i dont know anymore

I am 36 years old and feel like my mind is breaking down more and more with each day that passes.I am not very successful but do not blame anyone but myself for that.I wake up every day barely caring if i even live through the day and constantly think and rethink about killing myself.I have a loving wondeful girlfriend and love my family very much.I often feel the only reason I havent walked into the woods and hung myself is the guilt I feel over the pain it would cause my mother and my siblings to have to deal with it.I hate society.I feel like im trapped in a world where all the wrong things are important and am often embarrased to call myself a human being.I want to get help but can barely even function enough in society to get to the place where I could afford to regularly see a mental health professional.I guess in a nutshell,I care very much about my family but wonder why anyone would miss me if I was gone.I hate myself.I hate this world.Yet most of my days are spent trying to put on a happy face as I fall short again and again at everything i try due to my unhappiness and complete lack of confidence in myself and what I truly have to offer the world.I believe many people use "depression" as an excuse in their life and because of this i find it hard to blame my failures on that.Instead,i just see myself as a failure.It scares me because one day I feel like my sadness is going to overwhelm me and im going to do something i wont be around to regret.I didnt write this looking for a magic answer,I guess I just wanted to be able to relate my true thoughts to people who can maybe give me an unbias view or suggestion.I dont feel I can get this from my loved ones because they attempt to lift me up as far as my quality as a person due to their feelings of love for me.I feel myself slipping away.

[jasmine24]

hi there
i really would like to chat with you,
if possible can you give me your email address.
please i will be grateful

[stevstev]

My email is ***@**** sure my post comes across as whiny or just giving up but I just dont know what to say anymore but id love to chat so email if you want.

[wellb]

Stev,

I read your post and was heartbroken to hear how you're feeling right now.

To me, you sound severely depressed.

You'd mentioned that "many people use depression as an excuse".....
....well even though that may be the case with SOME (not most) people,Stev,  from reading your post, to me you sound truly depressed. JMHO  but I think ,Stev, you are suffering from a true depression. It's not fake and it's not just the case of the "blues" .

When a person is feeling as you are right now, your depression can make you feel hopeless.
Hopelessness is such a difficult thing to get over on one's own.

I'm not a proponent that everyone on this Earth needs to be on some kind of medication,however, in SOME cases, the seratonin in the brain is just not working properly and  needs "HELP" to get going again. That's why people take anti-depressants....most are Seratonin ReUptake Inhibitors. Some other medications work on your brain's neurotransmitters to get those working properly.
Sometimes we as humans need to take a special medication to get those neurotransmitters going well again.
Once that is achieved, then our minds can begin to make better decisions for ourselves.

Please do not fear calling a professional at this point in your life. This could be a Counselor, or a Doctor,--- maybe just your regular Doctor who can refer you to an understanding specialist that has dealt with people in your situation. After that your Doctor can guide you in the right direction.  

[downtroddenlily]

From what you have wrote, you sound upset because you have not accomplished much in life. If this is true, know that some people don't become successful or find their niche in life until middle age or beyond. I know people that are in their 40s and 50s and going to college to better their life ,although there is more to life than a career and money. Also, the pressure that society can put on men when it comes to having a career and money can be unfair. Feel free to send me a message if you still need someone to talk to.

[stevstev]

I just wanted to add thank you to those of you who have responded.Its refreshing to see people take a few minutes to contribute to the life of someone they dont even know and I know I sound bad but in the end, I continue to try and will continue to try.I just never though I would be at a point where I had so little confidence in my own state of mind.Thanks again