i dont know what to severely depressed and sever anxiety

[rmd87]

Hi a lil over a month ago I did something really really dumb and now I can't stop dwelling on it even though I've been told there's nothing wrong with me and I never had a risk for (hiv) I'm beyond scared I can't function properly my daughter got allergies and it think I may have passed the virus to her I'm so scared I. Don't care if I got sick just so scared of passing something to them there my life my world and I would give my life for there's no questions asked I seriously wake up worst every morning I don't feel like waking up anymore I recently moved them out of my house to protect them from me.. I've had a couple of friends pass away and this has only made it worst I feeel like one day I'm gonna do the un thinkable and finally end my life I don't want to but I see not other way out out I feel like such a cowaard... help me please

[LALEAH]

You are right on the money when you say,it is easier said than done.  It takes character to recognize mistakes and actually make changes in our lives.  Realization of what we do and how it affects those around us or those we love is a powerful lesson.  You seem to have learned that and need to focus on what you can do to take life in the right direction.  If it is the HIV issue, I understand there is a window of waiting.  Had the same issue when my ex cheated on me.  I panicked when I realized he could have given me HiV or another disease.  Loving in a rural area does make it much more difficult to find support or keep privacy. You need to stop panicking.  This will be picked up by your family and following situations could be worse.  I will not advise you about personal actions of disclosure.  You know if you put your spouse at risk and will have to deal with that at the correct time.  Right now, get yourself together.  I really like the Mayo clinic web site.  They have 24 hr access to questions doctors who will answer you.  Please check them and any other HIV forums to get feedback.  Obviously, you need to take precautions with intimate relations or find some other explanation regarding your response.  I see nothing wrong with wearing surgical gloves, for now, and saying how you are worried about transmitting germs to your daughter.  A work place is full of germs and bacteria that you can use as explanation.  Get some medical ointment to put on them and us it as a reason why you need to use the gloves.  Keep the medicine off of her skin.  I am glad you love your family and worry about their health.  You also need to love yourself enough not to ever put YOU at such risk.  The risk to your family isn't just in passing a disease, it is also losing you too early in their lives.  You are special to them also.  Don't cheat them or yourself.  As for dealing with your anxiety or guilt, is there a chaplin, pastor or counselor available?  Maybe a nearby town where you can find someone with social services?  If not, that is what sites like this are here for.  Anonimity and a way of searching through our fears and problems.  Stop and start taking this one day at a time.  Gradually, legthen it to a few days and so on.  Allow this time to think things over and what you need to do. Develop multiple plans in your head and use reason, not emotion.  Were told in anyway that makes you believe you were exposed for sure?  Send your questions to the Mayo clinic doctors and other forums. If I learn of any good resources I will post them. Write back.  

[rmd87]

I've token a coupld of test and cause where I work I get a lot of cuts and scratches and my daught has tiny bumps due to a skin condition she has she is really sensative she is only a lil over a year old she is my world they both are... and idk both of my tests were negative all of my stds ttest where negetive but this whole window period thing is killing me I hope and pray I get another chance to make it right but that's not always the case my doctor said I don't have to worry about giving anything to my baby girl or wife and to move on with my life but its easier said than done I don't feel like myself everyone notices it I hate this I hate it I've been trying to find help but its hard to find in my kneck of the wood nm isn't a real hot spot for hiv and there's is not many places to help with that phobia I've spent most of my savings on test and doctor visits... I don't wanna fail them or my family :'(

[LALEAH]

I read your post but cannot be certain if you feel you contracted HIV and have passed it to your daughter or something else.  You obviously are under a large amount of stress and making it worse on yourself.  When you say that you were told there was nothing wrong with you, what is it you fear?  Did you see a doctor and have a test completed?  Have you spoken with your doctor about your fears of having transmitted something to your daughter?  This seems the only way for you to put your fears to rest.  Why did you move out of your house?  Even people with HIV and other communicable diseases learn how to live normal lives and not transfer them to loved ones.  I think you need to do some research on what it is you fear you transmitted.  Or at the very least, find a support group and get some feedback about your fears.  The fact that you care so much that you would move out of the house says how much you love them.  Does your family understand why you moved out?  Please be sure to communicate with your daughter a let her know how much you love her so she doesn't feel rejected.  If you don't want to confide in her, let her know you have a small health issue which may be communicable; like a virus, you want' to get over it so you don't pass it on.  You are not a coward.  In fact, you show amazing strength in seeking help and now need to go further in getting answers to your fears.  We are all human and make dumb mistakes.  What makes us special is learning from our mistakes and understanding consequences.  Take that knowledge and find the strength inside of you to speak to a doctor, counselor and family.  I hope this helps in some way.