i feel horribly depressed

[warender21]

my whole life i wanted to join the army. then in high school strted hanging out with wrong kids well i finally went to all the recruiters and found out that my old drug inccidents disqualified me. now i feel horrible i dont know what ill do for the rest of my life. ive done far more drugs then what showed up on those papers. i even tried to quit once, nothing helped. i was hoping military would keep me away from drugs and id be fighting for my country and finally be able to live with myself. now i have an addiction out of the depression of knowing ill forever be stuck with jobs ill hate and be miserable for ever. i feel hopeless and since i found out i couldnt join i think my drug use has tripled now im taking ocycottin, dxm, and smoking herb all at once all day long for a few years. i feel terrible the drugs dont help much because even though i dont feel as depressed when retarded high, when im off them i just feel terrible. i really dont think rehab will work in my case because of the fact that i know if i get clean ill end up getting a job i hate and no matter what ill just wanna get back on the drugs and hell seing that national gaurd advertisement to the left on this site just makes me want to kill myself. my whole family is fighting and i cant i feel like ive let down my family i am the pararsite to a perfect family. i hate my life, i hate drugs, and most of all i hate that i cant do anything about any of it. i dont know what to do no matter what i do i end up more depressed and miserable. my family has disowned me. i dont know what to do and i know as much drugs as im always on i dont have long to figure out. please anyone whose gone through something similar please help me. i would see somebody if i could afford it and i know i wont be able to afford the medications even if i could see somebody. suicide runs through my mind constantly.

[ufcfan]

The psychiatric hold was almost where I was at. That may not be such a bad Idea either.

[evanescence345]

That's when I'd do a voluntary psychiatric hold.

[ufcfan]

I've had alot of friends who suffer some similar problems. I;m sorry about the whole army thing. What i always find weird about the military is why they would turn people away fo trying to get their lives together. I don't know where you live but look online and see if you can find out about a charity care program at a for mental health at a major university. Thats how I got on the right path to getting some help. Be honest and upfront with someone and maybe a friend or family member can help you get started. Good luck and keep me posted.

[warender21]

i forgot to mention i cant afford a shrink. how would i go about getting help if i have no car and no people willing to transport me. no insurance, and no money? if theres a way let me know because i feel like i have no where to go so i just stay in the same place