you need to speak to a psychotherapist over the long haul. healing will take time. it will be painful. you may not say much for the first year if youre really defensive. but go. force yourself to go and talk several days a week with a good psychotherapist if you can. i dont know what kind of funding they may have in your country for you to do this but i hope it is there. in the mean time as per your later post, get yourself to the hospital. i wish you peace.
Rach,
I will say a prayer for you so that God will continue to keep you strong. I know it is hard to imagine any reason for your suffering but I agree there is a reason for everything . You have made it this far ...your very strong.... I want you to check out a site called the road back. You can chat with people going through similar situations as well another perspective on medication. I myself have a son that has had his share of problems also. These meds can throw you off balance and sometimes make you very sick. Always remember what ever direction you decide to go always go through a trusted doctor who has your best interest in mind. Once again ...stay strong and my prayers will be with you daily.
Shel
You should look into religion.
You have got to know that you are a living, breathing human being that God created for a purpose.