im having trouble in my mariage and its making me depressed

[melissajean]

i posted this in anxiety before i realized i was in the anxiety page and not the depression page, so maybe its better suited in this group.


I love my husband, and im sure he loves me. We have been married a little over a year, and have been together a little over 5 years now. We have our ups and downs, when we were boyfriend/girlfriend we had trust issues with eachother, but those have been pretty well resolved. But new problems have arosed since we got married. I guess im just not the wife he imagined. I foget to do things, he asks me to do things and if i dont do them after he has asked me a few times he gets angry...not just angry, he'll call me up and rip into me, making me cry and making me feel worthless. today we had a bout, and he told me that he sometimes wonders why were together. These sort of things make me so sad and ill cry and cry for hours, right now im sitting at work crying, i cant contain it. I dont keep the house clean enough for him, its just so overwhelming, and every once in a while (meaning ever few weeks or so) he'll rip into me yelling at me saying that i dont keep it clean enough, and i cry and cry....its just that, hes the type of person who gets things done, he sees something that needs doing and hell do it...me...i just constantly feel tired, or beat, or just exhausted of some sort, its not that i dont WANT to do things, but i usually only have the energy to work at a medium slow pace at best, where as hes always working fast fast fast....now, my question is, are these problems that can be resolved? or are we doomed for devorce? what should i do to be a better wife? how can i convey to him that i need more nuturing and less berating, i feel like its all my fault. hes always telling me how things are always my fault, how because such and such didnt get done that means im some sort of idiot, he doesnt actually say anything untrue or out right mean, i want to make it clear that he is not verbally abusing me...but i just feel like we are on two separate wave lenghts when it comes to how we do things around the house, and i cant convey my side of it....its always, "i didnt do this, so yell yell yell yell" am i being too fragile? if so, i cant help it, or what can i do to help it?? i dont like being "lazy" or "fatigued" but i just want to sleep all the time...and it is usually at the expense of getting what he thinks is "a lot of stuff done in one day" any advice?

[shipy]

the 5 - 8 year period in marraige was rough for our marriage including counseling, there were many times when we came close to calling it quits...acceptance that marriages are never perfect was a big step for us...we will celbrate our 20th next year...ever marriage has it's ups and downs...try to hang in there and give it time and allow eachother outside interests, friends etc...

I had a significant depression at the time we were having trouble and wish that I had sought help sooner.  Please be cautious of medication recommendations.  I am still trying to stop my SSRIs with very limited success to date.

[melissajean]

i havent been diagnosed, but depression and anxiety are in my family, my mother has it and is being treated well with paxil, and my grandmother is too oldfashioned to realize that she has it too, but she does, and maybe a bit of paranoia. so i most likley have something along those lines, i know i do, because no "normal" person would react to things the way i do...you know? thanks for both of your suport and advice. i know things need to change, the way he views me and my abilities rather than how he feels i should be based on his view of a good wife.

[melissajean]

sorry, i have more to add...like ok, for example, the past week he has been asking me to call up a friend of ours and ask them about their house that they are looking to lease or sell, and i get so scared of calling her...shes a good friend of mine, but i feel like if i call her ill sound desparate, im affraid of what she might say, what if she says no, what if things dont work out, we dont have a big enough down payment, so what are we going to do if we can afford the house....on the exterior i show a layed back, care free side, but inside im all up in knots half the time. the reason im all up in knots is because of how other people might react to how i am doing what im doing, not neccisarily because im doing something, you know? like if i were by myself, not to say that i dont want to be with my husband but you know what i mean, id be fine. i dont know what that would be, i guess im hypersensitive and anxious...  :/

[totallywild]

I am also new to this site.  I have recently come out of an abusive marriage - and yes I do think you are in an abusive marriage.  You say your husband rips into you - this is mental abuse.  Are you his slave??  If this sounds strong I am only saying it as I see it.  My husband mentally abused me for 7 years, called me an idiot, demanded the house be kept to a certain standard etc.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, what is wrong is your husband speaking to you the way he does, this will make you paranoid and lower your self-esteem - I know, I have been there.

I would suggest having your bloods checked for anemia which can cause tiredness or any other possible cause.  I would also ask yourself whether you actually want to spend your life with a man who treats you this way.

I am so much happier now, you also deserve to be happy.  It was not easy but now I have left him I can see how much he was destroying me.  

[melissajean]

no i really wouldnt say hes verbally abusing me, he doesnt actually call me an idiot, he just makes me feel like an idiot...because i do forget things, im a forgetfull low energy person...there has to be pills for that or something...because i know it must be frustrating to be on his end of the situation...its just the way he composes himself when i make him mad...you know? if he doesnt do something that i asked him to do or if he doesnt do something he said hed do or that needed to get done (which is pretty rare but it does happen) i dont yell at him, i dont even get mad, i just say "oh, ok" i let it slide over me...i basically say to myself, the world is not ending because this did or didnt happen, people arent going to die because of it, its not earth shattering, so...eh. even if its something important like a bill...i mean i may get a little like "oh great!" you know....but i dont go off and say to him "YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!" like he does to me....i try to remeber things...ive tried keeping a schedule book...but i forget to write in it! i think this problem we have would be solved if i had more energy to get things done, i would keep the house as clean as i would like to....and he would be happy with that...and if i werent so anxious about certain things...certain things he'll ask me to do, frighten me, if he asks me to call someone, even if its just like the phone company...i get anxious about calling the company....i dont know why...i know its not hard...i know i wont die if i do it...i know i'll feel better after i do it...but i just feel so scared thinking about doing certain things...mostly if its something to do with calling someone on the phone....even if its a friend or a relative...because he usually wants me to call and ask someone for something, like recently two things happened....he asked me to call the phone company and get my online password so we could see what phones we're eligable for upgrading...i couldnt...i tried to push the option of going down to the store on our day off and talking to the guy in person, i just couldnt call...and the other time this past week was what i described above, all i had to do was call my friend and ask her about the house...it turned out that she was happy we were still interested...but i just had so much fear and anxiety building up prior to calling her...so ill put those kinds of things off...for days and days....or if its like calling the insurance company to ask about coverage, or if its like calling to make an appointment for something...i just have such a hard time doing it. if i could just do it in person id be much better off....i dont know...im just venting....thanks for caring though...its nice to see that there are people similar to me who have gone through similar situations. thank you.
-melissa*

[totallywild]

Hi again, definitely go and see someone about your energy levels.  The way you describe your feelings about contacting people does sound like anxiety but this can lead to depression if left untreated.

I also picked up that you also wish to keep the house cleaner, so accept my apologies for thinking that it was your husband making demands, I suppose because of my own experience I can be a bit over strong!

I am probably not the best person to comment on marriage right now!

I hope you do see someone about the physical side though as constant tiredness can either be a sypmptom of depression or a cause of depression.

Take care.

[melissajean]

thank you, you have been a great help in helping me realize all this. i will ask my docter about these symptoms. thank you.

[stargirl83]

also exercise helps with better energy levels and also eating healthy food such as protein(chicken,fish, turkey), veggies(dark veggies), whole grains, non fat yogurt, fruits.
no fast food, no soda..
is there a way that you guys can get cleaning help once a week? why should you have to clean the whole freakin place all the time??? he doesnt do a thing? (sorry it pisses me off)

[Jikan]

Namaste,

As you can tell, there are a number of very knowledgeable kndividuals in this forum and I have to agree with many on a number of things.

1. You need to take care of yourself and seek professional help in the event your low energy is caused by physical or even psycholgical causes.

2. Your husband has issues of his own and needs to deal with them. Couples counseling may be appropriate, if he'll participate, but my guess is that he thinks all the problems in the household are your fault. They are not.

3. Your husband has no right to treat you with care and respect. The demand things of you that are unreasonable or getting angry over minor issues is totally inappropriate.

If things don't change, I hate to say, divorce is inevitable, but that's doesn't mean that those changes can't be made and that you can't have a wonderful life together. Make sure you have an open conversation with him explaining your concerns and suggesting some positive changes, like counseling, and telling him how you feel when he demeans you.  If he truly loves you he'll be receptive to your conversations, but keep it that, a conversation and not an arguing match.

Good Luck!!

Michael

[ali3674]

You have an anxiety disorder and your husband sounds completely insensitive to it.  You need to seek medical attention for your energy level and possibly strt taking an antidepressant medication. Im sorry but your husband is not doin the right thing here either. and you are making excuses for his behavior by blaming yourself, which is clearly because you have low self esteem, and he is not helping you.  Is your house a pig pen or something?  Do u work?  Do you have kids?  You ounds very overwhelmed and I bet if you started to take the meds, this would signiicantly improve