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im such a loser no hope left in life
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im such a loser no hope left in life

im 20 i live near downtown LA and i never had a girlfriend. i know i got confidence problems. i was beaten and abandoned as a small child. ive never really blamed my problems in life on being poor, beaten or abandoned and not hearing from father for 15 years (dont even know if hes alive actually). the ways id get beaten would be things like getting hit and locked in closet for hours and then beaten again when i started screaming and eventually get mouth tied to stop me yelling. i was raised by my mom and never had a role male model growing up and i know all these thing definitely must have had an effect on my but i dont blame it all on why im such a **** up, i know thats my own fault.

im straight but i HONESTLY have not felt attracted to a girl in 6 years. she basically asked me if id like to bang her i was basicly like yeah and we never brought it up again. like we were totally into each other and i was too much of a coward to ask her out. we kind of just stayed friends who like eachother like a year. i think why i liked her was cuz she was a hot mess. really hot land lotta guys wanted her but she had been through alot of bad stuff in her life and i felt like i had alot in common with her.

after that i havent felt attracted to any girls. but i talk to mostly guys so maybe i havnt gotten to know enough girls. it ***** i want to get some ***** cuz im a 20 year old virgin but i never felt attracted to somebody in 6 years probally. theres gotta be somebody mentally wrong with me. and im definately not into dudes either...

ive never had a job, car, got terrible grades all my life, and have spent nearly every penny for last 2 or 3 years on drugs and havent turned down a chance to get high in last 5 years or so.

honestly drugs have became a huge part of my life. i remember a really good dream i had where i ended up with a TON of heroin and was just smoking it all day and the high felt SOOOO real i believed the dream. and when i woke up i was like NOOOOO i wanted to stay that way. my favorite drugs and only ones i really done much are weed, opiates, xtc, and meth. done felonies to get em but i dont consider myself an addict since i dont withdrawl (withdrawal) often or shoot up. i never really found any drugs to be strong enough if always itched for that perfect high but nothings ever felt good enough. its like an itch i been trying to scratch but i havent reached it yet and im going to die trying to reach it. ive been hospital for meth od and pretty sure i nearly died twice from meth and heroin at same time where my heart was doing such big hoolahops that i had to lie completely still and if i was to get up to call hospital i was SURE id have heart attack considering how much my heart raised just from trying to sit up. was pretty sure i was bout to die and that happend twice.   i eventually went to Narcotics Anonymous and i was too shy to tell my story and it did nothing for me.

ive never kissed a girl or even asked em out. my problem is i never try at anything and maybe that im afraid to let anybody get close to and really know me so a dont get hurt. i infinitely procrastinate things. im sooo shy i cant even talk to psycaitrist about my problems or friends i play everything off like im ok to everbody. i used to be super depressed and suicidal when i was younger but now i never feel sad at all my life got better but all my problems have stayed.

im wayy too shy when i talk to shrinks to tell my problems and psych meds dont work for me. i lie and steal all time and nobody trusts me. i can talk to girls and guys fine but i cant get romantic with girls. i really just wanna get high but i cant afford to do nearly as much as id like of them because i want that perfect feeling but no combo of drugs gets me to that point.

i know im kind of rambling but ive never told anybody all these problems in real life and i dont think i ever could bring myself to do it. i cant see myself ever having a good job or a wife and kids. i cant even do good in college. my life is super messed up and im too lazy/ shy to fix any of it. i lost my faith in god and i feel like this ****** life is the only life ill ever have and theres nothing to look foward to when im dead either since im not religous.



so the question is what the heck is wrong with me? i feel stuck and im sooo late into getting good at whole girls thing ill find a girl who likes me and ill be so inexpierenced with it all that itll be embarassing and ill mess it all up. any girls please answer this... somebody ugly and messed up like me could never attract you could they?
Tags: Hope, Life, loser
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Hey there! Just want to start off and let you know I am a girl, 21 years old, only a year older than you so I can sort of relate! You need to stop bringing yourself down, because you are your biggest enemy right now. You are the only one who sees you for you and you are the only one who can change that. Is anyone ever satisfied with themselves? Heck no! Everyone has issues and everyone has trouble dealing. I'm glad that even though you have an extremely tough time talking to people in person about this stuff, that you came here and felt comfortable to do it online. A few years ago I was feeling pretty lousy myself, I was never diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I was depressed and I couldn't tell anyone, not even a professional ( and yes it is hard to talk to doctors too sometimes). I actually went online, the same as you, to seek help and to find out if there was anyone out there who felt the way that I did. I posted a comment like you did here and I received some of the most amazing feedback. I never knew how many people could relate to me the way that they did, and they gave me some good advice. The #1 bit of advice that EVERYONE gave me was "talk to someone". And yes, that is the most obvious, it does help to talk to someone, it always does, but it's so damn hard. Even though these people gave me so much encouragement, and there were times when I was so close to mentioning it to my family, I just couldn't do it. I struggled for a while, I was a very angry person back in those times. I didn't want to be near anyone, I didn't want to do anything, but I eventually got out of it. Time heals everything, and one day I realized that hey, i don't feel so damn ****** anymore. I never hit my issues dead on, but I focused on the positive in my life. I know I sound preachy, I honestly don't even like people who sound like me right now, but I think it's what you need to hear.
Another thing that woke me up was one of my best friends coming to me one day. She said she needed to talk, and of course I said yes. We took a drive and she started crying so badly. It took a little while but finally she told me that she was depressed ( never diagnosed, but certain) and that she was suicidal. She said I was the only person she had in her life right now, and she thought she just couldn't do it anymore. This is killed me. This literally destroyed me. My friend, one of my best friends was on the verge of killing herself because she didn't have the guts to go to anyone or to seek any kind of help. I remembered feeling this way, but she was so gone, so destroyed, I didn't even know what to do. Of course I will always be there for her, but not till death do us part. I would never be able to live with the thought of my friend killing herself and I didn't do anything about it, so I became a ***** on her. I told her if she didn't get help immediately that I would find her help and tell her parents (which were the people who she would never ever tell) because I needed to do everything in my power that I could possibly do for her, I would never let anything happen to her.
My friend got help. She started seeing a counsellor at school, she cut down her work load, she focused on the positivity in her life and I'm happy to say that I finally have my friend back. I'm sorry that was long, but I've never mentioned that to anyone, so this is therapy for me too.
I'm sorry that I can not relate to you in the ways that you have grown up, but my heart honestly and sincerely goes out to you. Makes me sick to think of the things that were done to you as a child, no one deserves that, no one, especially not you. It's not your fault what happened to you as a child, how could it be? How could YOU ever have control over your life at that time? You might not blame these problems you had when you were younger for the way you are now, but everything in your life has shaped you. I know you don't want to think that those terrible times are accountable for who you have become, but of course it has.
I'm really not going to sugar coat this, because tough love is what people need. Someone who is going to nod their head and sympathize with you is not going to help.
I also know that not ever having a girlfriend is super super stressful. Every guy thinks that he needs to have that girl on his arm to make him feel good. Well hun, you aren't going to feel good with a girl on your arm, you're never going to feel good until YOU make YOURSELF feel good again. A girl isn't going to fix your problems, it will probably make it worse. You are unhappy right now and misery loves company. In the state you are in right now, yes, you will only attract girls who a) are just like you, and you don't want that or b) a girl who is going to try and fix you, and that never ends well. There is no reason to say someone can't be there throughout your process of healing, but you need to start that before you can even think about inviting someone into your life. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I bet thats how you feel. You think that you're going to bring someone down, that you're not good enough. You won't be happy if you think you're not good enough, and it is a hard thing to do. I'm 21 and it has been only in the last year where I've been okay, just okay, with where I'm at in life. I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I find comfort in knowing there is someone out there for everyone, including you! I know that's not what you want to hear, but that't the way it is. Fix yourself first my dear.
You mentioned you are addicted to drugs, and I know you don't consider yourself addicted, but if you've spent most of your earnings on getting high, well you do have a problem. Don't mean to be harsh, but you need to get help for that.
My little brother was addicted to cocaine a few years ago. He never thought he had a problem and it wasn't until I begged and begged and annoyed the hell out of him, that he finally went to get help. He went to rehab and has been drug free for two years now. It can happen, people do get clean and now he's feeling better than ever! He got a good job, he's becoming an electrician, and he's also seeing a very sweet girl. You should have seen those nasty girls he was bringing home when he didn't have a clear mind.
Look, I'm not the most outgoing person ever, and I tend to be extremely shy at times, especially when it comes to talking about problems, no one likes to do that. But you need to! You need need need to! That is my best advice for you, please! Please book an appointment with someone, anyone, absolutely anyone. That's why they're there, is to help you. They're not judging you, they see this kind of stuff all the time. You are not alone in this, you aren't! So please I'm begging you, I know you will feel 10000 times better.
Don't worry about a girl until you have fixed you. You're still so young, so so young! You have so much life ahead of you, don't waste it! Take time for yourself. Go to NA, and tell your story! You will feel so good, I promise,  find that courage within you, find it an use it. You do it once, it will be wayyy easier the next time. If you find that courage to talk to people struggling like you, if you find the courage to talk to a doctor, you sure as hell can find a nice girl and find the courage to talk to her too. You asked if "somebody ugly and messed up like me could ever attract someone like me" truth is, a girl isn't attracted to someone who is not comfortable in their own shoes. You need to get help and you can't wait. You need to fix your drug problem and you need to find yourself.
There is no "level of experience" with girls, doesn't matter how old you are, or how young, if it's right, it comes naturally, no practice needed! Being with a guy who is a little unsure of what to do is cute, so no worries about that!
I do wish you the best, I don't like knowing that you're hurting. Feel free to vent whenever you need!
Take care!
Caitlin
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Sounds like you had a horrible childhood.  My mother was physically abused, there were other children but her mother only picked on her, getting her when she was in bed and just pounding her face and telling my mom, "I'm going to hit you til **** comes out of your mouth."  I loved my grandma but when my mother told me this I distanced myself from her and stopped loving her cold turkey. Everyone deals with their childhood horrors in different ways. You are trying to forget the pain with drugs and I also think that you have sort of a death wish because of the way drugs are consuming your life.
I was once in your shoes I was a virgin for a very long time because of my extreme shyness, could not even hold a conversation with a guy especially with the ones I really liked.  I lost my virginity at age 28.  I thought I was homely and unattractive and that no one would me want me.  People told me that I was attractive but I just saw flaws, but looking back at my pictures I really was not that bad looking.  I think the same could be said of you.  I bet you are very attractive but because of your low self-esteem and extreme shyness you can't see the real you through that fog.
I was just like you  wanting to have a guy that loves me, kisses me, make love to me and be a couple.  That was all that consumed my brain all through my late teens and throughout my twenties.
But you need to find a purpose in your life, be it through education or finding a job that you will enjoy.  When I was younger I would work but would hardly speak because of my shyness now you can't shut me up.  You will grow out of your shyness, it takes time.  You will find the right girl for yourself only after you work on yourself.  Ask yourself what is it that I want from life, what do I want to become, a drug addict or a fine, handsome, responsible, and respectful young man? The answer lies in you.  Fix yourself and the rest will come.  
I think you need to find a therapist to talk about what you went through in your life and what you are doing now.  Forget the shyness.  Just do it.   I was the same way I really had to reach inside of myself and talk to therapists.  I was painfully shy, could not make eye contact, nervous gestures, feeling like a fool when you hear your voice, and thinking what must the therapist be thinking of me.
You need to get off drugs and get help.
Regain your life, I have no doubt that you can because you have the inner strength to force yourself to pull yourself up and get to working on you.
I hope you get to feeling better because you are worth it.  You will make any girl happy to be with, it is just you don't believe in yourself just yet.
Angela
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