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im such a loser
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im such a loser

i feel like im the biggest loser i know. im  20. i am also the most lazy person i know. i hate myself. i try to get jobs and my criminal record shuts me out from pretty much all jobs. i did horrible in school never got an A in my whole life my average grade point average in high school was 0.3 or less. i never had a girlfriend im soo lazy and depressed that i dont brush my teeth or shower often.

i tried joining facebook maybe more social life will help me right? no way, it made things worse seeing all my old happy friends going to the big schools or military. i wanted to go to university or military too. graded from high school late, then flunked outa college. now i know i cant get into a big college cuz i flunked out of the only major im interested in. i see all these happy outgoing people on facebook and it makes me thin whens the last time ive been happy. i havnt been happy in years.

i friggin hate life. i screw everything up. ive never accomplished anything correctly i just ruin everything. i know in the back of my head that ill either die young or that ill become a drug addict because opiates and weed are the only thing that makes me stop thinking about how much of a loser i am. i didnt even deserve to graduate high school i never did a single assignment that i can remember doing. i know my teachers just gave me credits cuz they hate me and didnt wanna see me anymore. i try and get jobs do something prooductive and my large drug records just make it impossible to get any jobs, i feel like im going to end up a bum soon.

i dont understand how i let myself get this bad now i got cavities everywhere, my friends have all moved out of the city for jobs and other similar reasons. im here all alone now no where to go and nobody to talk to. lost my insurance, bout to be kicked out of my moms house. shes the only living person in my family that i know of other then my dad who abandoned me when i was 2 and havnt seen since. im going to be homeless and helpless really soon. every time im givin money or my mom gives me money to get help i just spend it  on drugs GOD i hate myself. i feel stuck and theres nothing i can do about it.

i have tried to make new friends around here but people just dont like me anymore it seems. im about done with life, havnt had very good one and apparently nobody cares about me, even i dont anymore. i tried to join military few months ago to get my shiz together but all 5 branches didnt want me. every time im givin an oppertunity to succed i screw it up, now im afraid there isnt any oppertunities left. playing my guitar helps for like 10 min and then after that i usually feel like "why, are u bothering to play that guitar anymore man, youve been playing for 10 years and you still suck" i used to be good i got invited to play for bands n churches left n right. not anymore, nobody wants me to play for them now.

i did see a therapist few years ago and it just made things worse, made me feel even worse knowing that im so messed up beyond reason that i was at a therapist. so i stopped going, which was against what he said i should do. maybe id be happier had i stayed or maybe id be worse. but without insurance and money anymore theres no way i could afford to see a shrink or any of them anymore. when i stay inside all the shows are about happy groups of friends or families, and it just reminds me how i have none of that. my mom hates me it feels like, every day she says go get a job, but she doesnt realize i cant get a job and believe me when i say i have tried to get one but without a car or the ability to get a license, and a felony on my record its just about impossible.

i feel like im at a dead end, no where to go and no where to turn. i think the only reason im not going to kill myself is because i dont know what happens next, ive kinda lost all faith in god by now but in the back of my head i feel like he might be real and if he is i dont want to go to hell for suicide. i really hate drugs but i hate being sober even more because it makes me feel 20x more deppressed. is there some kind of mental illness i have? whats wrong with me, why cant i do ANYTHING right? has anybody gone through the same thing, this questions wholl post probally wasnt even worth typing because i think i know nobody here is as messed up as me.
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Avatar_f_tn
You have come to the right place, and we're glad you're here!  First of all, I don't think that you are screwing up everything at this point. You are finding closed doors now as a result of your past, so the big thing to do is put a period on those days and move on emotionally.  People do, and can turn their lives around, and it starts with baby steps.  One thing you have to realize is that there are so many unhappy people out here, and many suffering with their own demons.  Everyone paints a happy picture on facebook, they're not going to tell all they've been thru or that they are struggling financially, have a cheating spouse etc.  TV shows do not reflect real life, they're actors!  So, you need to quit comparing yourself to others.  You should have stayed in therapy because this can be such a big help to you.  There are thousands and thousands of people in therapy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.  Often while in therapy, it can appear to get worse before it gets better, but it only means that your touching on the things that have affected you and your thinking, and you must keep going.  You should be eligible for public assistance with medical care, so look into this and find a psychiatrist to work with therapy and medication.  You are self medicating and you know this is a slippery slope, that it just lightens the load for awhile, but it will be there when you sober up.  So, decide today that you do have choices, maybe not the ones you want right now, but you have to start somewhere.  You are suffering from depression, I'm not a doctor but I have it as all of us on here do.  You will meet a lot of nice people here who truly understand where you're coming from, so stay with us.  There is always someone to talk to and share with, and they will share their experiences with you.  You are not alone in this.  I'm sure there are other agencies in your city that can help you in other ways with finding work.  There are companies who do hire people right out of prison, so you need to get pro-active and keep going until you find who will hire you.  Get pro-active in every aspect with your life, emotionally and financially.  Depression can rob you of your desire to do anything, or enjoy life, so you have to fight back.  Do things you need to do even though you don't feel like it.  You're going to have to force yourself, and the more you do this the better.  Get out if only to walk, but get out.  Take care of yourself, find the strength to get up and do these things.  You truly need to address your emotional health, so look into public assistance and go from there.  Once you can start feeling better with this depression, the more you can do.  We're here for you, so stay with us.  Read other's questions and stories on here and you will see quickly that life is not always easy or happy, but you can turn that around.  Most of all you will make friends, and learn how others overcame their own problems, or are still dealing with them.  Don't give up on yourself, you have a second chance to make it right and live the happy life you desire.  You're so young, and your past is just that.  It may make it harder right now, but as you turn things around it will get better.  You just have to prove yourself, mostly to YOU!  Take care......
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1305101_tn?1273147350
Hi, firstly i think your main problem is putting yourself down, you keep saying noone likes you do you know this for definate? i bet more people like you than you realise but your lack of confidence says otherwise. Id say you definately have depression which you need to find someone to talk to about. And as for showering, that just seems like pure laziness and just try and think to yourself  how much better you will feel if you are a cleaner person and try to get into a routine of cleanliness. Brush your teeth morning and night, shower every other day etc, even if you think you can't be bothered it don't take long. Take one step at a time and you will be ok. If you take more pride in yourself you will feel more happy and confident and then you might not feel like so much of a failure hope this helps, sorry if it doesn't :) chin up though x
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Avatar_n_tn
tnx for the nice comments nice to wake up to somebody being optimistic towards me
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Avatar_n_tn
the guy next door to me said he'd pay for my treatment if i work for him. he wants me to play
guitar at his coffee shop every few weeks for a several months and also work from 9-5 there. i knew he had a coffee shop so i asked him if he liked blues guitarist/singers at his shop. i told him i need money to help pay for treatment. really nice guy, he said i could work for him and play every few weeks too. im pretty sure he didnt even need another person at his shop but he just wanted to help. i havnt had a gig in years! never had a job, i have feeling job will be good for me and get me out house more.

i have a question for you guys. how would i go about getting treatment. when i find a doctor what do i ask him? what is the most effective medication if he wants me on it? and what better therapy, psychiatry, or what? i really dont know how this all works. when i did therapy few years ago i stopped going i hated it, does everybody hate it? or did i have a bad person? somebody please help guide me what to do.
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1255530_tn?1269871219
People with mood disorders loose life to symptoms like that 8 to 10 years of there lives feeling like u do hun. Go see a psychologist  and tell em everything there is hope we live with this stuff everyday hun and noone should suffer in agony for something treatable get in to seek kelp asap and start getting better. I hope u feel better soon. My heart goes out to u as Iv went through alot of what u have too and Im getting better its so worth it !
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Avatar_f_tn
Awesome news about the job, and you felt you had no friends!  I think not only would this be good for you but you would have a blast and meet lots of new people.  Also, it's a great way to network into other job opportunities eventually. You will develop a work history which can lead to other things.  I'm really excited for you.  This will give meaning to your life, and give you a reason to get up every every day, and take care of yourself.  I would contact a psychiatrist and just tell him what you told us, and he will take the lead from there.  There are good and bad therapists, and I saw several before I found one I felt comfortable with.  Therapy helps some, but not everyone.  It helped me to a point, but I still have to take medication everyday.  But you have to view it like any other condition, if you were told you had diabetes you wouldn't think twice about taking the needed medication, and depression is no different.  But because you are so young, I think you will beat this as things improve in your life, I truly do.  One thing to be careful with in therapy is if they start talking about a topic that angers you, just remind yourself that there is a reason it's making you angry.  It means he is getting close to what's truly bothering you and you don't want to face it, so you get angry.  Just push thru it because the fear of facing the problem is worse than the problem.  Now if you feel the therapist is a jerl or doesn't have a clue, move on.  A psychiatrist can give you therapy or refer you to one, just be honest with him about "why" you didn't like the last one.  You're taking the first big step towards getting better....good for you!  Your life matters and you matter, don't allow your past define or determine who and what you are today!  Stay in touch!
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