Im not very social which is why I ask many questions here as I believe people over the internet are more honest and helpful than those not behind a computer screen. I am 20 years old and live in the great Country of Canada. I have recently gone on a crusade to become good looking. I have lost 177lbs and have been taking much better care of myself since I was 18.
As I have been doing this I feel like its becoming more and more obvious that the chance of me being in a relationship is falling quickly. I have been made fun of my entire life by everyone, including mother. My friends say Im ugly and disgusting, etc. I have an appointment to get braces in July. And I have joined a gym to try and get toned so I can tighten the loose skin in the stomach area. As I do this I look and ask around and realize that my chances are almost nothing. One of my friends said that the only way I will get a girl is if "she is fat, desperate or just stupid". All of this has kinda made me lose respect for the female population. I used to be so nice to girls but now I fear they think I am gay or just stupid so I dont help them or talk to them.
Is it ok for me to just give up and sink in to oblivion or what can I do?
Please no "girls like you for you" or anything like that as I feel it is a womens way of dishing out propaganda and is just as bad as "I like you as a friend at best"
Hi, it's good to know you're looking after yourself physically as it should boost your mood with all the excercise and hopefully give you a confidence boost, which by the sounds of things is what you most definately need!
I can see from the end of your post that you want some straight talking so I'll give you my honest opinion here.
You can work out until you look like Arnold Schwartzeneger, but until you get some self esteem about yourself you may as well stick a sign over your head saying 'DO NOT DATE ME'. As for your crusade to be good looking, I would forget about it. Most girls do not go for overly good looking guys, for a start its very intimidating and half the time the guys know all too well that they're good looking which is so arrogant. Okay, so some girls do go for good looking guys but once they get hurt enough times by them or are sick of worrying they're gonna get stolen by some other girl, they soon stop.
I have never been with a guy because I've thought he was 'hot' or 'good looking'. But I have always had an attraction to the guys I've met which is completely different to 'good looking'. I've always found personality, humour and common interests more important, and this isn't me just doing the whole 'ohh personality is what counts' thing.
Don't lose faith in us females, a lot of us are generally quite nice and not quite as judgemental as you're friends who seem to be quite cruel.
Continue to be nice to girls, talk with them, have fun as long as you're being sincere about it!
Sinking into oblivion as you put it is not the answer, get out and meet people, forget about going out with some goal or crusade to get a girl, these things cant be forced. Go out simply with the intention of having a good time and meeting new people, and if you meet a girl then great, if not well at least you got out instead of wallowing in self pity in the house.
I hope things work out, and I'm sure you're not as bad looking as you make out.
I'll be honest with you....of course girls consider looks when looking for a mate...but the truth is, every girl weighs the importance of that differently. That's evident walking down the street...there are a lot of couples that appear "mismatched" in the look department.
Having said that...good for you for making some positive changes in your life. Do that for YOU and no one else. Personally, I think you need to find some new friends. They sound terrible. You've been listening to people put you down for so long that your self esteem is in the toilet. Surround yourself with some new, more positive people. If you remain friends with the jerks, tell them flat out that while they may just be "razzing" you...it affects you deeply. I'm willing to bet they stop. If they don't....goodbye to them!
Is is time to give up??? Hon, you're 20. By most of our accounts, a BABY! You have literally your entire life ahead of you....to find a mate, and do the things in life that will make you happy. Most people dobn't finf their life partner til they are in their 30's. You have a LONG way to go before you need to start worrying about being a lonely cat man (joke intended...laugh!)
Also, while finding a partner is important to most of us to some degree, you have to focus on other aspects of your life as well, school, career, social activities. Do not make the entire purpose of your life to find a mate. That isn't healthy...and most likely, if you DO find a girl, you will not be in a good mindset in the relationship....you may be clingy, suffocating, etc. I know it's important to you,and that's okay, but don't make it your entire purpose of living.
Also,the moment you quit trying so hard to find a GF, you willbe amazed at the changes. THAT is the time most people find a partner, when they are not actively looking. So, dive into other aspects of your life...quit trying so hard. If you need to, seek some help to start working on improving your self esteem and sense of self worth. WAY beyond looks, girls REALLY are attracted to a self confident man. Bigtime.
Hi there. Well, asking for some serious discussion on this matter can open a can of worms. I hope you are okay with what I'm about to say.
One thing I've noticed when someone says they can't meet anyone is that they have exremely high expectations of who they would like to be with. Just like not every guy can look like Brad Pitt, not every woman can look like Angelina Jolie. What I notice is that often times, if one thinks about the kinds of women they think are 'perfect' for them, they are looking for that knock out 10, or whatever. Is that realistic?
Do you look at looks as the first thing in a girl? The only thing in a girl?If so, why would they be any different? And if you don't, again, why would they be any different? See what I am saying with that? If you are highly opinionated about what is attractive in a woman based on her looks . . . you will have to expect THOSE women to be just as picky. And if you don't see looks as number one or super important, why do you assume that the girls you meet do and that this is the only problem with why you haven't found anyone?
You mention that you look down on girls. Well, I can see that when one is hurt, they become a bit bitter and resentful and maybe that is part of this looking down on girls. But, this is not a helpful attitude for dating. That is something to work on. They are just people like you trying to figure it all out. And if they are being picky about who they date based on looks, do you do that too?
I really like what nursegirl says about finding people to hang out with and share interests with. This is a great way to meet someone to start by just being friends through mutual friends, shared interests, etc.
I also agree that a confident and successful man is pretty darn attractive to a lot of people. At 20, hopefully you are in school so that you can begin a career that will bring you success. Ambition is a great thing and I ALWAYS notice it in a man. Super sexy to me.
so, stay realistic about women and realize that we ALL need to be open to different kinds of people than just that perfect vision in our head, cut girls some slack rather than loathe them as a class, and work on not just your physical self but the whole package. Best of luck to you. I believe that there really is someone for everyone but sometimes we have to get out of our own way. peace
No I dont focus on looks while looking at a girl but I hardly do that anymore as I dont want them to think of me as a creep or call the cops reporting rape or something, because I hear thats what most women do.
Also, they were my friends in September and after 10 years I ended it to which I recieved comments about me being insane, etc.
I hardly go out anymore and when I do I almost have a heart attack being around people
You definitely need to seek some professional help for your anxiety, if it is affecting your life to that degree.
because I hear thats what most women do.
Geez....I'm not sure where you get your info from, but no wonder you feel the way you do...yiou have a lot of erroneous preconceived notions about women. We're not all bad. I would say you need to work on your impression of girls before attempting to find a girlfriend.
People at my old work suggested to me that women like to be abused or with black me. I am not abusive or black. I realize they are right, I dont want to believe it, but being on the outside looking in, you can see it everywhere.
I cant work on it because I cant talk to girls and if I am nice they will think Im either gay or a friend at best, like my friends said
You are obviously very easily convinced of things you know nothing about. It is extremely ignorant of you to think that women only want to be abused, or with black men. Sounds to me like you're getting your information from somevery bitter men who have priobably been scorned before.
You have a LOT to learn. I don't even know WHY at this point you would want to seek out a woman, according to you, they're just awful. Your mind is full of generalizations and assumptions. NONE of them any good.
All men want is a piece of a$$. Black people like fried chiken and watermelon, jewish people are good with money, all arabs are terrorists. Do you believe those statements too?
You are being VERY close minded and ridiculous.
I can tell you that you need to do some serious work on "you" before even considering looking for a girl. You are naive, guillable, and what you think is important in life is all wrong. And by "work", I'm not talking about appearance.
Oh my goodness. I will tell you that women do not want to be abused and that might be considered a bit insulting to some who hear you say this. Are you talking about women liking bad boys or that type of thing? I hope that is what you mean rather than women want someone to mistreat them or worse, abuse them.
It saddens me that you have this skewed view of relationships and the dynamics between men and women. Do you not have a role model in your parents or grandparents of a normal, healthy relationship?
Truthfully, and I speak from experience on this . . . attraction IS important but there can be no rhyme or reason to that. Sure, the best looking folks, guys and girls are attractive to everyone . . . but the rest of us 'normal' looking people find someone that is attracted to us and we to them. It's not just the beautiful people that marry and have the American dream. I think there are a LOT of people out there that look for someone smart, funny, kind, and good natured.
Do you see a therapist? I'm thining this could be very helpful for you. I would think about perhaps that you may suffer some social anxiety that IS treatable. Has this been something you've ever been treated for?
Another misconception. One does not have to be crazy to need therapy. I've gone to therapy many times in my life. You have anxiety issues, problems with self esteem and self worth, therapy would do you a world of good.
I'm going to bow out of this thread gracefully, as I don't think you're really hearing what I'm trying to say, and I don't want to make things worse.
Oh yes, my suggestion of therapy was not an indication of 'crazy'. Do you realize how many people enlist the help of a professional to help understand themselves better, explore their options in life, make changes, etc. And if one has social anxiety ---- this is medical in nature. There is no shame in this. Being treated is essential just as treating any medical condition. But it is not an insult to suggest talking to a therapy. It could be the thing to help you turn the corner in a different direction which it sounds like you would like to do. peace
hi hun,i must admitt,i didnt read over your replies..i skipped over them as i wanted to answer honestly...and what i read of your very first post is...**** em..**** em alll mate...i truely know how hard it is to do that..its easier said than done..but then again..it isnt also...**** them..**** them all...pardon my french..but how hard you have tried and acheived..you have nothing whatsoever to prove to no..(pardon my french again)any ******..to nobody but yourself..you have done that..keep it up...i have so much admiration for you...life is hard..but also...it can be what you make of it..**** em all hun...you have done amazing..keep amazing and stay amazing......always...sorry for the french...**** em all..do what makes u happy..you have acheived more than most people...be strong stay strong huni xxx
Coming on here and posting is already an admittance of needing help.
Don't let your pride get in the way of things, we all need help every now and then, but I agree with nursegirl on this one, I don't think you're quite ready for a relationship, you seem to have already given up and your overall generalised view of women is very wrong.
All the women on here who are being honest and open with you, WE are who you need to be listening to, not some jerks at work who think they 'know' women. We all have various experience with relationships and dating and are giving you sound advice.
Some day you'll be proven wrong, some day you'll meet a girl and NOT these generalised fictional women your work buddies are talking about, but you're not quite ready yet, and first you need to get out of that negative mindset.
mike...may i call you mike?..no,your not going to give up mate..coz u wouldnt be on here seeking help..now people that give up do not seek help...so what you have done is a bloody good start....deep down u do not want to give up do ye mate....? keep posing and know your not alone....givin up is the hardest thing to do...keep positive and stay positive
Give up how? On women? Or are you speaking in terms of life? If the latter, PLEASE seek urgent help. Nothing is worth taking your life....most especially frustration over finding a mate at such a young age. If you were 50 and single, I could understand the worry.
Please seek some professional help, it is not a sign of weakness, nor a character flaw to need help from time to time. You came here for help, you got a LOT of great replies, but you have fought each one of them..."But what iff'ed" them all. You HAVE to be a little open minded and receptive to what people are going to tell you. As they say, if you aren't prepared to hear the answer, don't ask the question. You got great, helpful, HONEST answers, which is what you wanted. We don't know you, so we have no preconceived notions...we're just telling it like we see it. And all of that advice came without us knowing one BIT what you look like.
Forget about girls for now, and start working on YOU. You will be happier, and when the time comes, make a better boyfriend. If you're not okay with you, you can't ask someone else to be okay with you.
I really hope you consider getting help. You just have no idea how benefical it can be. Changed my life, and many others' lives.
Hi, well, I've read everything you've written here and what you wrote me. It saddens me to say this but this relationship has always had some issues regardless of MD or not. You may be blaming that or she may be blaming that. You are both young and I want you to know that relationships aren't supposed to be like this.
I do think you should give up .. . on THIS relationship. Not because of the MD but because it isn't a happy relationship. You two aren't all that happy.
I contend that you CAN find someone to be happy with. Love IS a choice and not about finding one person and forcing the relationship at all costs. You date to see if you should move the relationship to the next level and most often you should not. It is okay to say that a relationship has run its course. Don't let fear and anxiety make you keep putting band aids on something that just doesn't feel right or has so many problems that it is overwhelming. You aren't married with 3 kids here . . . but a young single man who deserves to have less stress in your life. That is my honest opinion.
MD complicates someone's life and certainly their relationships. I'd guess you may have some anxiety as well yourself. So, you have two people who may or may not see things clearly under the cloud of emotional issues they may have. Treating emotional issues/mental health issues is imperative in order to live life to the fullest. Hopefully she will do that.
And one other note, is she telling you this because she needs to work on herself and this relationship is stressful or a trigger for her? Perhaps this relationship is complicating her mental health and is in fact not good for her at this point. something for her to think about.
good luck. This was my opinion of the situation only. Nothing more and nothing less.
It's good that there is no relationship right now...you need to work on yourself first. AND your view of women. If you think you have a hatred toward women, the last thing you should be doing is trying to find one to have a relationship with.
You need to quit painting with that broad brush. You simply cannot lump all women together, because that's NO true. SURE, a lot of women put a lot of importance of physical appearance, as do men, but plenty more women put a lot of importance on other attributes. Sense of humor, kindness, dedication, sincerity, generosity...etc.
Like we have told you, you are so focused on judging women and making all of these assumptions, that you're not spending time working on YOU. I'm not talking about your appearance either. You are very insecure, and have many messed up ideas about women and relationships. Until you can change that thinking, you will set yourself up to fail.
QUIT worrying so much about appearance...both for yourself,and for women. There is SO much more to life than that, but YOU are the one who can't seem to move forward from that. You keep saying women do that, but if you look at this thread, the person most consumed with physicalities is YOU.
Next time you're out and about...look around. Look at the couples. You will see all kinds of varieties....less attractive women with good looking guys, and vice versa. Also, you will see very good looking guys and girls together.
Until you can make some changes, you're not ready to even think about finding someone.
Ha, I go for money. Just kidding. My husband isn't 'ripped'. I'm not ripped. We are both probably 'average' but to each other, he's very handsome and I'm a knock out.
Maybe you judge women too harshly as you feel they are judging you. ?? This is something to consider as this is a one way ticket to being lonesome. If you can't find anyone to be attracted to that isn't a 10--- then you might need to readjust your thinking. LOTS of things go into making someone attractive.
I'll tell ya, an ambitious man . . . nothing sexier than that to me. A kind heart, oh that makes them even better. And they can make me laugh . . . I"m in love!
I'm just saying . . . you do have to be physically attracted but attraction grows when you get to know someone with qualities you like.
I have looked around and I have seen mostly men with fat, ugly women. Not the other way around .
I don't know where you live, but that's what I've seen.
I'll be 100% honest...I think YOU are the one who is overly worried about looks...and I think that's why you are working so hard to improve your physical appearance. You don't want to end up with one of the "fat and ugly women". I really think that is the case, and if so, you are JUST as guilty as what you are complaining what you think women do. Think about that.
You're looking at this WHOLE thing from a very superficial point of view. Hopefully, that will change with age and maturity,
I dont care about looks, just being nice is good enough for me but its not good enough for most people. If I do get better looking, after all my hard work, I would expect the same from a women. If they judge me, why is it wrong for me to judge them
NO. People make jokes all the time. There are always comments on my FB page about which Kardashian looks better in a bikini, with comments like "I'm going to put a pic of Khloe in a bikini on the fridge, think my wife will take a hint?" The wives will sometimes even comment, or "like" the post.
While I may not be a huge fan of certain comments, you're reading WAY too much into them. Married people and people in relationships aren't dead...they can still appreciate a beautiful woman/hot guy. That doesn't mean they don't think their spouse is good enough. MOST people know that this is the real world.
Heck, I bought my hubby a subscription to playboy. Does it bother me one bit? NO WAY! He's with ME, he sleeps with ME, he tells ME I'm pretty. Those women are a fantasy.
and girs talk all the time about how this celebrity and that one is hot. Im assuming they are just joking then? I doubt they are because thats what they like and we all have to try and work to that "twilight" standard
Have you read ANYTHING we've written? This conversation is going nowhere. Yoiu're hell bent on fighting for your skewed mindset, no matter what we tell you, so really, what's thje point of us taking the time to reply?
I'm going to rather spend my time answering posts of people who are at leadt willing to open their minds a littl bit, and consider what others are telling you. I'm not saying that to be mean, either, just being honest. The choice is yours how you want to approach this. One ofmy facorite saying really applies here..."nothing changes if nothing changes".
You can ruminate all you want and waste time worrying about the assumptions you've made about ALL women, but the reality is, the ONLY people we have control over is ourselves. YOU are the one who makes your destiny, and if you go through life with these misconceptions, you're just setting yourself up to fail, and that's really sad. Good luck to yoiu.
How about "maybe you pick the wrong people and are stereotyping all women". I'm just trying to get you to let anything that is being said here sit on the table for you and for you to think about it. you don't have to agree but just consider it.
Project---- get out paper. Write down good things about women that do not include women. Write down what your dream girl would be like without including anything related to looks. I'd even consider just one statement on sex (great in bed) and make everything else about what your dream woman would be like. Again, minus anything to do with looks.
Start to look at life this way and you'll find someone. If your list is hard to make without superficial items, then it will be harder to find someone. good luck
having a girlfriend isn't everything, i would just focus on making new friends, if something else develops great. If not, well at least you have a new friend. The best way to do that is to start doing stuff that you enjoy doing. I think unless you change your mind about women, you will only notice what you think is true. I can assure you the media doesn't protray what the real woman is like. Women are the same as you in a lot of ways. They want to be accepted and respected, they want to have fun, they want to feel loved.
Look how good looking I am yet I'm single right now and I don't get women going crazy for me.They like the average guy these days and it's getting more and more common.Women are more concerned on the guys attitude and how they treat them rather then looks--I'm telling you.
I know nothing about relationships because I just havent reached that level of interest yet, so im just going to say what I think..first off, If this is an "all woman world", than why did woman have to fight for rights that men got and they didnt, such as the right to work, and even the right to simply vote? Woman didnt have much freedom in the old days. Even still now days, you walk past a work sight that has both men and woman working it, and you see a sign saying "caution, men at work". But wheres the sign thay says "caution WOMAN at work??
Anyway, like everybody else has told you..you cant just say all woman of the world are like that! I geg called ugly all the time by my own sister. Ive been bullied all my life, and still get bullied in school to this day.even by MALES.. guess what..IM A FEMALE!!
I must say, it is kind of hurtful that you would say those things. I have noticed, Its been mostly FEMALES that have tries to help you and shed some light here, but you still continue to put females down. Im very sorry your having this problem, but you cant blame every woman in the world, that isnt fair. Nursegirl specialmom and everybody else here is right, you do needbtherapy and you desperaty need to get to the bottom of all this. They have given you all the advice they can, you need to do your part. Best of luck t you.
Not all females are like this, and I am deeply sorry if it seemed I came off a bit harsh. Im just tring to tell you that not all females are like that..and I will say this as well..NO female is worth giving up on yourself for. Your worth more than that..your life is worth much more than having..well heck..10000000000000 girlfriends!!
Dont worry about any of that right now, worry about YOU!! Get some help with this, you wont be able to resolve the issue on your own because obviouslpeople here have tried to help you all they could, and if there great advice wasnt enough to at least make you have a little change in thought, then you need a professional. And new friends!! Those so called "friends" of yours that call you that stuff, arent friends at all!
Just let it go. Personally, I think it would be better if we all stopped engaging Mike. He's obviously not getting any of the recommendations, and until he gets some kind of help, we'll just go round and round about this.
Not doing anyone any good. It's becoming frustrating to the responders, and all we're doing at this point is repeating ourselves.
I really think you should try everybodies advice, you will never know unless you try. Thats all anybody can do, is at least try. If you want help with this, you need to help yourself as well otherwise nothing is going to get better. Dont listen to your so called "friends." There not your friends!! Get some REAL friends, because the ones you call friends that have told you all that ignorant, immature stuff are NOT real friends. They are probably trying to make themselves feel better about something, by making you feel bad about yourself. there just nothing but big mean bull headed bullies...NOT FRIENDS!!!!
As for your girlfriend issues, theres plenty of fish in the sea, and not all of them are like what you are saying. If you want the "american dream" whatever your definition of it is, that doesnt matter..GO FOR IT! Get legal and come to America, maybe youll find better luck with life here, meet a great girl, and settle down and have a normal happy life. If you want this for yourself so bad, you will do your part too. You dont seem very willing to try anything, but until you do nothing will change. You need to have faith in yourself!!!!!!!
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