is my depression hurting my son?

[sadsoul]

I have been depressed on and off for the past 30 yrs. My childhood was not calm. It was either really good or really bad, until it just became really bad. I was not physically abused but I was severely emotionally abused by both my parents. I was 13 the first time I stopped my mom from committing suicide. And my Dad left me with her and choose his new wife over my self and my siblings.I am currently taking 300mg of effexor and 100mg of wellbutrin but I don't feel much better.

I am so terrified that I am messing up my son, just as my parents messed up me. I have always tried to give what little energy I can muster to my son. I force myself to play games with him, help him with his homework etc.To do this I usually have to sleep all day while he is at school and I will sleep the entire weekend when he is at his dad's. I choose to spend time with him rather than clean the house, thus the house is a mess. But I think it is more important that I give to him rather than have a clean house. Except that this messy house is driving me crazy. I feel almost paralized. There is so much to do and I'm so tired.

This morning my son and I got into an arguement because he couldn't find a hat to wear to school. Normally he puts his things in the same place, but last night he didn't. Because the house is messy, it was almost impossible for me to find him another hat. I was upset and he got upset. I've tried so hard to make sure that my depression hurts him as little as possible but he is a sensitive soul just like I was as a child. And of course he is affected. It's not fair that he has to live in this chaos. If I thought he'd be better off with his father, I would send him to live there. But his dad can be an angry control freak. I do like his live-in girlfriend and she adores my son. If I thought their relationship would last, I'd have no problem letting them raise my son. But my ex's relationships don't last.

I hate feeling so sad all the time. I've been seeing doctors for years and nothing is getting much better. I don't want to commit suicide but I can't live the next 30 yrs like the last 30. And I know that committing suicide will destroy my son - I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN. But I'm worried because I know that my depression does affect him - which makes me sad and angry at myself. I'll never forgive myself if I damage him. I want him to have a chance at a normal life. A life better than mine. He is not exhibiting any of the classic signs of depression but that doesn't mean he isn't affected. I feel so desperate. I don't know what to do?

[Daybreaker82]

I feel you. Please remember that suicide is not the answer. I have read many accounts of near death experiences and even spiritual counsellors who agree and it is common belief that if we end our own lives here that we do not escape the problems we face here on earth in our own life. I do not know if you have started to journal, and explore the thoughts and feelings of your own psyche and inner self to try and work through these things, her, now in this life so you can understand and move on.

Many believe, as do I , that this life is something all of us need to go through. Your soul has a very important task here and these are lessons you are learning. Try not to take them so hard so much. I know I feel a lot too. People can really bring me down. But you sound like such a good soul and such a good mother. You know you have a problem, you are trying to work on it.. all of this says you far better off than many people who suffer from these types of unwellnesses.

It's not going to happen over night. But you will not live the next 30 years this way. Begin the work you have to do now.. here.. in this life.. on earth.. becase if you decide to leave your problems only follow and get more complicated. I believe there is such a thing as heaven, but it is more of a sense of being of your soul then a place or destination. And all of this .. all of this pain, these hardships are your soul learning what it needs to learn.

be proud of yourself. for how much you have endured and you can still love and care for others. try and think of all the positive things!

try to motivate yourself in little ways each day to change, and rearrange your life.. to make it new. maybe that starts at home.. by throwing out old things, cleaning, painting,  new decor .. anything that you remember enjoying .. reading .. try slowly to get back into these things. honour yourself.

if i may suggest a book for you also that might bring you some comfort in this time:

dark nights of the soul by thomas moore

Do not feel so guilty for how you feel!
The sooner you accept and embrace it the sooner you begin to heal and move on.
My sincere best wishes to you and your son..
You can do  this, many people around you are battling the same thing..
You are not alone.

Once you realise that you do not escape these things in death ..
You can begin to settle down.. work through your darkness and find the lessons .. and eventually move on ..

You have a lot of love in your heart.
Let that guide you more.
Let go of those people or things that do not honour you or that part of you.

best of luck, we are here for you.

[sadsoul]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I am trying to get into therapy. I've been on a list for some time. I check in every week or so to see where I am.

I am honest with my son when I'm feeling bad and I've explained to him that it is ok for mommy to feel sad/angry/whatever and it's not his fault nor should he feel he has to 'fix' me. He's only 7yrs old, so I have to be carefull when I do talk to him. I told him that if he ever wanted to go live with daddy, I would miss him but I would be happy because he would be happy. I told him that I stayed with my mom because I didn't want to hurt her - when I actually wanted to live with my dad. So far he continues to say that he prefers living with me. In a lot of ways I am a very good mother because I know what can seriously damage a child. I just feel that we are both being cheated because I'm not well. Things wouldn't be perfect but they'd be better for both of us. He wouldn't miss any school because I just couldn't get up, I'd have the energy to do stuff like bike rides etc, and I could work - which would definately benefit us both.

As for sleeping too much, part is a way to avoid reality but there is a medical reason for my fatigue. Four years ago I knew something wasn't right and it felt different than any previous depression. After months of tests, it was determined that I suffer from sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome. We have managed to treat the sleep apnea but have yet to effectively deal with the restless leg syndrome (RLS). It's been three years and I've been on numerous meds but nothing seems to work. I was going to university during this time, while being a single mom and although I got all A's, I just couldn't keep it up. I had to drop out which has messed up my funding. I am no longer able to get funding. I'm so angry. I've been going to various doctors for years but still I'm barely functioning and look what it's cost me - a degree. I'd be happy if could just work but I can't do that either. So I'm in debt, money's tight and I am trapped. Honestly, I'd work a donut shop if I could.  I did everything right - I went to my doctor - I followed his advice - saw all the specialists - followed their advice and still everything went to #@$%.  It just sucks and I just want to stop living when I start to think about the situation I'm in and how there seems no way out even though I've done everything I was supposed to do.

But again, your comments were helpful. I won't give up because I can't give up. I won't destroy my son.

sadsoul

[umya]

sorry to hear you're feeling so awful.   it is possible your depression is hurting your son in the sense that kids breathe in the despair of a parent.  they sense it, they adapt to it and they manufacture defensive self's to cope.  kids need their parents more than anything else and more often than not will do anything, including suppress their true self to take care of the parents "needs", however neurotic.  you are truly concerned and self aware and obviously love your son.  if you are not in therapy, i suggest going, and i suggest having your son speak with a therapist also.  this is easy to get on top of and you owe it to yourself and your son to seek help.  

[fuzzy882]

You say that you are worried that your messing your son up the way you were messed up?  Not by what your saying do I believe that.  Your have a problem that you are very much aware of and are working on it.  And I assume that your son knows about this too?  I raised my daughter, who is now 29, married with two children. She has a very good head on her shoulders, good mom, good wife and a wonderful daughter. I suffered with depression/anxiety/panic all the time I was raising her. I never hid the fact that I had this problem and I too worried what It would do to her. So, a few years ago I asked her. Her reply was, "Mom, It just made me love you more for the strength you had" WOW, so you see, your son has to see this also.  Sit down and have a good heart to heart assuming hes old enough?  Just as Jo tells you too.  Sometimes you have to just get out and do it.

Wish you all the luck.

[jo929]

There really ought to be a way that you can overcome this depression some if you have to take so much medicine that you sllep all day something is wrong with your treatment i have worked with many depressed people but their meds are adjusted i do know that you are coming across strong but if you love your son can you not try to rise above the past and look forward to some kind of future have you tried working out of the home taking up a hobby sleeping all of the time is usually a sign of turning off reality most of the people that have to sleep that much do not relize what the real world is about you must keep the bridge to  reality open join a group but do something to help your self because your son will notice something is wrong and he will worry i do wish that i had more to offer you but a dr or therapist or groups is all i can think of try to look ahead and if you can change your life style life is to prescious to just give up and let this take over fight it as hard as you can i wish you all of the luck in the world there is a world beyond the house you are missing out on lots of thiings yes i really do understand      lots of luck    jo

[Salyna]

First and foremost, I don't think you are exposing your son to the life that you had.  Aside from your depression, even "happy" people battle the emotions of whether or not they are doing the right things for their kids.  So, for the most part, that is normal.  Second, you don't have to live this way.  It took me quite a few docts. and meds to figure out what would work for me.  It doesn't sound like your meds are working, thus, you need to try something else.  My childhood was ruined as well, and just like you, I vowed to never give that life to my kids.  But, I battle depression and they see it.  Depression is really a quality of life issue and it consumes a person.  I would talk to your son about this and ask him how he feels about you and his life.  If he just says, "o.k.", I would try to approach it at another time or explain to him that this is a serious topic to you and that his happiness is very important to you.  I wouldn't burden him with your own issues (I mean don't confide in him, etc. with your problems, as he will start to feel the same stresses as you).  I started counseling after my first child was born because I had the same exact fears as you.  It was one of the best things I could do for myself.  Write a list of all of the things you want to accomplish - things from cleaning the house, to grocery shopping, to playing games with your son, to lifelong goals like going back to school, etc.  As you cross these items off of your list, you will begin to see that you are acomplishing things.  It's not as overwhelming when you write it down and tackle them ONE at a time, in baby steps.  Good luck to you!