mental heath/family mental health

I really am only at the beginning of trying to figure out myself, my family and whatever else is going on in my head. I have been to counselors periodically over my lifetime since I was 15 yrs old. Back then... I never really talked about or really knew all that was going on in my world. Too embarrassed I only let the "light" stuff out. As I've gotten older with more life experiences, along with some bad decision making I have noticed there are times that I have spun out of control. At times in my 20's some would say sexually self abusive... I thought sexually open. Not many longtime/intimate relationships... more sex. I never have a problem finding that still... yet I haven't had sex or intimacy for 6 yrs. I mostly crawled onto a hole after a shattered trust in what I thought was the beginning of a relationship with a man. I don't fall easy.

Prior to him, the last relationship(my ex-husband)was the most tumultuous and emotionally draining relationship I've ever had next to the practically non-existent relationship with my mother. I haven't had the emotional support of my mother since my father died when I was just 7 yrs old. Although my ex had been sleeping with another woman from the very beginning of our relationship... he put me through 15 yrs of custody battles(still can not communicate effectively...17 yrs later), drained me financially as he promised... blah blah, still didn't want  me to leave. Never to admit this, of course.

It has been 2 yrs with very little contact with the ex... good.
Not being around my mother... also good.

Yet I feel that I can't shake whatever it is that nags me. Many fluctuating moods depending on circumstances... people think I'm so strong and sometimes I believe it myself, most times. Yet I have so many thoughts in my head that I am left feeling so paralyzed with anxieties and some fears that I scare myself. No one that thinks they know me would even guess this.

Help...

[RockRose]

Do you have a lot of focus/interest in things outside of yourself?  It sounds like you must have at least one child - thus the custody issues.

Do you have an engaging career,  or "mission" in life that would take your focus off yourself,  and your losses?

Since you no longer contact your mother,  and you haven't spoken to your ex husband in 2 years,   this might be an easy time to delve into higher ideals.

Best wishes.

[gigigrrrl]

All your ?'s are what I keep asking myself and although I usually get out of my funks... I can't seem to yet. I haven't tried the exercise and such... yet. I think something in me needs stabilizing... I don't know. I'm fine most of the time but I know I have issues with anxiety... I think more than usual. I wonder if I'm the one who drives all my relationships into the ground.

There have been 2 suicides on my mother's side(her father and his brother)... she certainly has anxiety issues. I grew up hearing very little in the way of kindness, mostly my mother screaming... passing out from "incidents" that occurred. A lot of physical,emotional,verbal and sexual abuse throughout the entire family. My mother never speaks of it... but she a victim herself, I'm pretty sure. The problem with my mom is... she has been known to lie. So... I haven't really been able to trust her most of my life. It doesn't seem to affect her though... seems to be happy to be rid of her kids, mostly me.

I'm trying to get back into a social scene, yet... even while I'm surrounded by friends and acquaintances, I feel so lonely. I have a teenager that I think can be adding to the mix....aaaarggghh! Mix in my head that is...

[396SS]

Your past is full of some heavy stuff.  My mom and I are similar, and my Uncle just shot and killed himself 3 weeks ago, very very scary.  I am told that I am not my uncle or my family and to not label myself according to my family.  I have trouble with thinking I am "destined" or "cursed" to be like them.  I am also considered normal or strong among friends and they have no idea the anxiety I have at times.  So, you wouldn't believe how many of our friends/acquaintences feel the same way!  That is what I keep telling myself, so I am back to working on me.  I go to therapy and I'm on meds usually, but so far so good.  I am managing.  Hope you can do the same and any of my info helps.  

[gigigrrrl]

Thanks 396...

I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle. Do you have a family that is willing to admit to all the ups and downs? Any of the mental health issues? I've got nothing except my own take on things. Both sides of my family won't admit to any "weaknesses"... therefore I'm at a loss with family history. My ex's family also has mental health issues that they refuse to see or just can't. I'm really monitoring my son... definetly a narrsisist gene with my ex... alcoholism, emotionally vacant mother as well. Yikes! I have served as his whipping post for all the anger he feels towards  his mother... mostly, I think because I was the next woman he loved as much as his mother and I too bailed on the relationship. Two realms of abandonment, no emotional IQ... angry!!! But... he feels there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, it's everyone else, always.
I have yet to wait for a diagnosis, possible meds... something was said regarding dysthymia?, maybe... my anxiety levels seem to spike way too much to be just normal. We'll see...

[396SS]

No, they won't admit anything.  It's there though.  There are millions of people out there with anxiety and depression and you would never know most of them.  I mean, we've kept it well hid right?  That is bad though, because you start to feel like there is something "wrong" with you and you are abnormal.  What is the definition of "abnormal" anyways!?  Yes, I take meds and hate them, but I take them if I need them.  Dysthymia?  Isn't that on the bipolar side of things?  Don't let them label you anything just for the sake of having a diagnosis.  My mother being bipolar, they tried to label me that - even though I've never had a manic episode or done anything without thinking twice about it.  Bipolars do things on impulse/feel grandiose, etc.  Never ever did that.  Sorry.  Although I am moody (especially with PMS).  Anyway, I am so pissed that they tried to call me bipolar about 4 yrs ago.  No bipolar signs still!  Just depression and anxiety!  Ok, so my point is - be very informed about mood disorders, anxiety, etc.  Do your homework and if you go to the dr., let them know you are knowledgeable about the subject and will not be labeled for the sake of it.  If I could (I've tried with some success depending on events in my life) try to do alternative things like meditation, dietary supplements, exercise, etc. first.  I just personally hate taking meds:)  Take care!  PS - don't worry about your ex anymore - he's not your problem and it has nothing to do with you - it was him!