need medical advice

[umoo]

Hi, I am a 33 year old married with two beautiful kids, a good wife and a profit earning business, my own house and no financial problems. The reason i said all that before is that despite all of this, i dont feel relaxed, happy or content. I have an extreme case of anger which frightens me as well. I have been violent all of my life. I have had fights with nearly everybody including my close family (brother) and occasionally my wife. I have severe cases of anger which blind me. I lose all control and start raising my voice and being downright belligerent.

On some occasions, i have resorted to fist fighting also. I am very very repentant about it later but somehow i cannot get out the situation. When i am angry, my sole purpose is to inflict pain on the person i am angry at. When he/she concedes or gives in, my anger subsides. When that does not happen, We enter into a terrible physical brawl sometimes.

THe main thing is that the anger is not normally caused by the person who i am angry at. It is a series of events that triggers it. A small thing bothers me to a point that i start thinking about it all day and then at my boiling point, some poor soul gets it bad. Most of the time, i start fighting with people on the road who maybe cut out in front of me or just break a small law ( which i myself break a lot).

Believe me, i am not proud of myself on this trait of my character. Infact i think that i should just leave my kids and wife and business and move to another country so that i do not inflict pain on atleast them. I am giving below a synopsis of my life fo you to understand my past. Maybe you will be able to offer me a sensible solution. Whenever i get past this anger phase, i go into a depressive self destructive phase.


All of my life i have had fears of loosing, of being NOT popular among frieinds, of being not smart enough for the world and of not being handsome enough. I lost my twin sister due to depression in an accident in USA during my studies. My first wife died during her pregnancy after 8 months of our marriage. My young nephew was killed in a car accident. I have been taking medical help since my second marriage eight years ago. I was put on PRozac for three years. At that time i had anger problems too but my i guess after the death of my first wife, my depression phase was more prominent. I have fears among people that when i speak, i will speak stupidly or i will be ridiculed. I am a successful businessman and have made some money that i can credit my efforts to. Basically, i have not been a loser but all i can think of during meetings with friends is that i am not as succesful as they are. Also i feel i am not a good talker or i am not funny enough so i remain quiet. The anger builds inside me. I expect respect and equality among freinds but i dont get it and that angers me. This anger then builds inside and is taken off at someone ( mostly on the road or my employee). After this anger bout, i pay money to the person i have been angry at (maybe to compensate, although i am sure that money does not at all absolve me of my bad deed.

All in all, i am now taking Seroxtat. My doctor told me to take Risp as well with Seroxtat but i have been careless in doing that..  

The strange thing is that most of my anger bouts happen when a weekend approaches. This results in a terrible weekend for my family and myself with me taking huge amounts of sleep and avoiding them. I feel i am a terrible nuisance for them. My wife has been with me for 8 years now. She has been supportive but lately i feel that she too is tired. She thinks that i am just a spoilt rich brat. Spoiled by my mother and father who have always doted on me.

I have written this letter in desperation. I was thinking of going to a doctor to get some drugs to control my anger and anxiety but lately i have been feeling that my condition is here to stay. I dont think i can improve the quality of my life or that of my family. My usual recourse was to plan an escape plan by which i would just disappear and leave my business to my brother and the house to my wife. That would just leave me to worry about myself.

I dont know whether you have an answer to my problem but i sure hope you do. Some of my friends suggested that i have to command my mind myself to get out of this pothole. However, i dont feel i have the guts or the brains to do just that. I wanted a pill to take care of my problems. Is there one?

To summarize here, i have been on anti depressant drugs like Prozac and Seroxtat for the past eight years. My main problem is that i dont enjoy life. I guess i take refuge in my work which i do really hard. When a weekend approaches, i get confused since i the friends i hang around with make me self conscious. I get hurt and angry over small things which boil down to a downright rotten fight. I want to be a reasonable person. maybe someone who speaks less but is heard when he does. I want to be a person who can control his emotions. Make reason with them and channelize them . I want to be a good father who is loved by my kids. I dont want them to be scared of me. I want to be a good husband who can have fun with my wife and enjoy the simplicities of life. I want to be a caring son to my mother and a helpful brother to my sisters and brothers. I want to be a compassionate employer who takes care of his employees and is respected becuase of good emotionless leadership. I want to be a person who can have a consistent lifestyle not a roller coaster. I want to have a good PR. I want people to know me and take advise from me professionally.  Are my goals too high. Am i achieving for a Sterotyped American Dream Man that we see on the movies? Can anything get me there.

I have written down my life. If you can help me, i would appreciate it. If there is anything in the world that can get rid of the anger tantrums that i put up. I am willing to try it.

I am supposed to be a reliogious guy but i have stopped asking GOD for help. I have been doing that for 8 years now.

Sorry for the mess you have had to read. Just help me if you can.

Regards

Umoo

[idesofmarch]

Please tell the doctor exactly what you just told this forum.  If the doctor knows what you are going through, the good and the bad, maybe he will make a dose adjustment before you go through your grouchiness period.  Please follow through with what you now know and see the doctor for this until you are stable with the proper dose.  Dose changes do eventually happen anyway because the body becomes immune to the effects and needs to be raised or get the medicine changed.  You are doing good don't stop now....

[umoo]

hi once again,

Ok noted about your husband. I hope he recovers. I have made a change in my medication. I was taking RISP and SEROXTAT but over the last months, i had stopped taking RISP. two weeks ago ( about the same time as i started writing on this forum) i started taking RISP 1 mg once again. I feel a dramatic change in myself. I feel i have become more tolerant towards things that dont happen they should happen. I dont know maybe this is due to my reading this forum or the medicine. I tried reading about RISP on the internet. The generic name is RISPERIDONE.  Any body using this medicine should know about it. I feel more tolerant now but i have been reading this forum and the replies of my questions on the forum again and again.

However, i have been on this path before, When i boil out, i am usually a very good person for the next three four weeks. My wife has put a name to this monthly syndrome of grouchiness!!! She is not very positive that i will last. But i am enjoying myself. Enjoying to be in control.

I am planning a vacation to Malaysia and hopefully will get all the travel arrangements done this week.

Once thanks all of you guys.

Regards

Umoo

[Idab]

My sincere apologies for only getting back to you now.  I myself have not been well, therefore my emphasis on 'be thankful for your health'.

With the support of his specialist physician, he is on a 6 month course of anti-depressants, Cipralex.  Note that the side affects on these tablets are many, but within 2 - 3 weeks they should have the seratonium levels on the road to normality and thereafter you should be feeling like you are able to smile naturally.  I believe, my support and that of his children have also played a major role in helping him towards the road to recovery.  It has been a team effort, as he could so easily slip into the black pit at any given moment.  You mentioned your daughter - this is an inspiration in itself.  As I mentioned before, do it for yourself (you are the most important person here) and then the love you so want to give will come naturally - your family in their own silent ways are yearning to be loved by you.  You are the only one that can make this a reality.

Interestingly enough, talking of reality - it is quite factual that the age between 30yrs and 40yrs statistically are the hardest years to get through in one's life time, no matter the race or religion.  Give yourself the time you need and especially the time your family needs.  You sound like a vibrant, successful human being that has set very high standards for himself and with continued encouragement, I know you will make it.

Go with faith in your heart and courage in your soul.

[idesofmarch]

Whether or not you feel like you will fail-DON"T SAY IT OUTLOUD OR WRITE IT.  If You believe in God then I presume you believe in satan,yes?  Well as much as God loves you just as you are, satan hates and wants to tell you things like "you will fail"  you are unloveable"  "God doesn't care"  "nobody cares" .Do you understand that satan will take your weakness' and use them against you to pull you father away from God and joy in this world. God will use your weakness' to help others but also help you to build up your self-esteem and give you peace andcomfort and guidance and (Everlasting life with God that is everything good) Anytime you speak bad about yourself, satan will use that to tear you down-don't give him that power.   Everytime you feel negative ask Gods help to change how you see yourself or else you will dig deeper into depression and anger.  Keep looking for a meeting and yes I believe you need a psychiatrist to give you your medicines but also to see you once a month to make sure the medicine is working fine or adjust or change the medicine until you are feeling the way you should. Talk to the psychiatrist from your heart, don't hold anything back or he won't be able to do what is best for you (you deserve good treatment).  Someday your family will trust again and you will be happy again if you don't give up.  If you have a place that sells CD's ,Tapes, books or DVD's on self esteem get one and listen to it everyday and little by little you will start to feel better about yourself and heal some of the hurts in your PAST life.  I say PAST life because you need to start your life again from this day on, to a better future or atleast a healthier YOU. Keep IN Touch here and maybe find a grief and anger forum also. God Loves You!

[umoo]

Once again thanks for being considerate enough to write so much here. This is my first ever experience and the feeling that someone (whom i hardly know) can spend so much time on me. That is a good feeling believe me.

To find someone like Idabs husband is a relief too (sorry Idab). I just thought that i would not know anyone who understood me.

Frankly, i have no groups in my area. I am a Muslim so i dont go to church. I do believe in God. Idab got it right. Whenever i look in the mirror, i find myself too fat, too bald, too much graying hair and too pale. I am my biggest enemy. So rightly said in so few words. I will try to look into the mirror and repeat the words. But what did Idabs husband do to get out of it. Did he opt for medicines or the nervous breakdown changed him. How did he understand the problem he had. I would like to know if it is not too personal.

I have a fear that my resolve to change is very short lived. Any suggestions on how i can fortify myself to consistenly fight the easy part of falling into the black pit. I just wish i was strong enough. Maybe i am .

Umoo

[Idab]

WOW! what a life and what a story - I believe it is not so much that you dislike your life, it is more than likely you dislike YOU.  Until you can look in the mirror and tell yourself that you LOVE who you are, who you have become, what you have achieved (and I can see the writing is there deeply embedded in your story, battling to come out boldly), only then will you begin to love every one around you.  There is no doubt in my mind that you are your own worst enemy and right now you feel trapped within your own being.  

You need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, am I really as self-centered, 'spoilt', 'angry' as I have written in my letter or are these situations that I bring upon myself.  As we all know, life is what YOU make it.  Not what the people around you think, say or do.

I don't have much experience in all the deaths that you have encountered and I believe that this can be very harsh on one's soul, however, I have first hand experience of a husband who is very much just like you.  He is now 42.  All these feelings of anger and wanting finally caught up with him and he fell into a big black pit.  All this time he thought he was never good enough, not respected, totally rejected, Mr misery, but I cannot begin to tell you how much he hurt us when he fell into this pit of devastation - all the abuse, the trying to keep up with his ways, keeping the kids calm in front or around him (for over 14 years) was nothing compared to the devastation we all went through watching him silently suffer as he was being consumed by his own feelings.  It took him all this time and an almost nervous breakdown to realise just how much his family, his children and the people closest to him (because these are actually the only one's that should matter in one's life) loved him so very much.  

I then said to him what I am going to say to you now.  I quote:  "Hi, I am a 33 year old married with two beautiful kids, a good wife and a profit earning business, my own house and no financial problems".  Chant these words as you look at yourself in the mirror.   Consider yourself privileged and respected as very few people can say these words, especially at your age.  His life is better now and has more meaning and purpose.  Don’t desert your family, do help yourself, believe in yourself and be very very thankful for your health.  I myself have had many conversations with God – he is as good as they say.  He has the power without a doubt and he will give you the strength to get through this phase of your life.
No need to respond – you have a lot to look forward to.  Never forget, life is short and you need to savour each and every moment of it.
Take care

[idesofmarch]

You are already on the right road to gaining that inner strength by speaking your heart.  Look for those meetings, some msy even be in churches as I am part of one in my church. It is great, it's based on a the beatitudes in the bible( 8 principles) 12 steps as in AA but based more on God and part of it is group talk, worship time and another part is workbook study that is shared with the group. It takes as long as it takes (a year avg.) and the meeting are free, the 4 workbooks cost $20.00 and there's also a bible based on the study that costs $17.99.  If you've ever read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren this is connected with that in some ways. Celebrate Recovery- Call some churches and find a group near you-it maybe just what you need. It is great for many addictions,hurts,strongholds, whatever is keeping you from joy and peace.  If you are Catholic, I don't think they have the group but it's O.K. to go to other denominations (prespotarian,baptist, etc) because they believe in the same God and that Jesus died on the cross for all our sins and He is the way to God and Heaven.  If you believe that, then you can get into the group study.  Give it a chance, give yourself a chance to feel whole again. As your family and friends start seeing a consistent change in you they will learn to trust and like you again.  JUST DO IT.  Keep in touch, be accountable to me unless you have someone (a male) in your life that will take that responsibility until you get a sponsor from a group. I'll be checking this forum.

[umoo]

many many thanks for your input. It is very mind opening. I was not sure that  i would make myself understand so early. It gives me a bit of hope to know that people are out there who know what i am going through.

You are right, i am just surviving. i have to think hard to give an answer to you.

First of all, i dont know of any anger management group here in my place of residence. I will find out.

I was hoping for a easier solution but this is not to be. somehow, medicines was the easiest way out.

Yesterday i had a long discussion with my wife. I let her read what i wrote down on this website.  I dont know why i did that. But her reaction was pretty lackluster. You are right. i cannot hope from support from her or the family since probably they dont understand.

late yesterday night i was alone and i realized that i am actually alone. The harm that i have inflicted in the past years have made me lose my credibility. my wife no longer trusts my present committment to being a better person. She thinks (I have done that and been there) too many times now. And she is right.

so i guess. i have to make a decision to walk this path alone. Regarding a reason to live. I really like my smallest daughter. I like her but i am afraid that i will hurt her as i have hurt others. I have to get the inner strength to believe that i can do it. I dont have it at the moment.

[idesofmarch]

p.s. I just had a thought.  You are afraid of closeness with your wife and friends and react that way so they will walk away from you.  Somewhere in your mind you are trying to make everyone you care about go away before you lose them to death.  Does that trigger anything?  You see while you are working and kept busy, your focus is just on that work. (men can't think of more than one thing at a time you know)LOL?  But when you are with your family with nothing to "work" on physically-you panic.  You are afraid to get too close and then they will die on you.  I have that fear myself but not to the extent that makes me burst out in anger (well, I do sometimes to my husband- you always hurt the ones you love) You really need to work on your healing because you are hurting people that care about you,and your children don't understand and will blame theirselves for your anger and distancing.  The younger they are the more they thing that the world revolves around them (it's just human nature) and if you have a teen, watch out for drug and alcohol use (they may use to shut off their thoughts and hurts).  So as I said before, don't you have someone in your life worth healing for?!

[idesofmarch]

Have you been through a grief support group along with anger management?  Meds are needed but so is a safe place to cry, scream and vent. With all those loses in your life it can be expected that you would have a bad reaction. But now you need to heal.  It's alright to be mad at God but don't refuse his help-it will just add to your anger and depression.  Sometimes we can see later down the road, the good that comes out of a bad situation; But sometimes we won't know until it is reveiled to us in heaven. Please don't be in a hurry to get your answers, when you are ready to know God will show you. If you look for the positive side you will find more positives, If you look at the negatives all the time, that is what you will be.  I just lost my best friend (my Dad) it will actually be a year on 6/28.  I've lost other people that were close to me and very young too.  It isn't easy to be left behind in this world but you need to find a reason to keep on living, in peace & with hope.  You may be thinking now that "I can't go to a bunch of strangers and spill my guts" but you can do it. When you hear others share their stories and grief, it will just rise up into your throat. DON"T PUSH IT BACK DOWN-LET IT OUT or you won't get better.  You are a volcano with so much pressure that you have mini eruptions but some day you will fully erupt  and kill someone. You're killing yourself right now, you're just surviving and I know for a fact that God wants his children to feel his peace, hope, comfort and love like no other.  When you except that from Him you will gain the ability to heal your anger and your sadness.  I don't think that your family (including your loved ones in heaven) wants you to continue hurting either.  Don't you have someone in your life that depends on you, a healthy you? Live for that someone or something.  You've already taken the hardest step and asked for help, that's great.  Don't look to your family for help right now, they don't have the understanding that you need.  Look to God and find as many group meeting as you can until you can get a handle on your anger and see that you are not alone in your grief.  God Bless You and He will if you ask.