need to escape

[shaz853]

I have always felt the need to escape from situations in my life and in the past six months i have suffered from terrible suicidal thoughts and have been hospitalized because of it, anyway today the ultimate need to escape is here again i have tried being normal its not going to happen i am useless i don't fit in, i have children and a partner but i need to think of me, at this minute i am really angry and desperate and i need to do something, what can i do, i wonder am i capable of the ultimate i backed out before and my fear is being found before i do it like before then i have to come back to all the worry i caused and everyone makes me feel bad for hurting them, but what about me and how much i hurt and no-one seems to care. Anyway i am going to decide i am fed up waiting on other people.

[shaz853]

Thanks everyone who replied. To, Jim its easy to say to choose to not consider suicide but when i get in that frame of mind i'm not me anymore i change i can't think straight i can't tell myself this is wrong at that time suicide is my option my choice and sometimes i feel a comfort in that, does that make sense, i know that when it gets too much i have a way out.
I am glad you are feeling better and your new heart valve helped that i am happy you were able to sort your life out. I have had many medical tests done and my  i am fine its my mental health that is unstable, i don't know who i am at all i don't think i ever did. I know to some suicide seems wrong but in my head i have so much confusion and hurt and well i want it to go away and no-one seems to be able to help, i have a therapist who is trying but i don't think he knows how bad i really feel maybe i am not telling them clearly enough or they are not listening or is there really nothing anyone can do to help me and i am stuck like this forever.

[wgang]

Just a friendly conclusion:
   Shaz,I have no idea if you are a Man,or Woman. However,before deciding on the way
to suicide,think of life,and replentish your faith in God.You find alternatives.You need to
be self analyzed at times,away from the proffessionals.You should be able to cure your
problems alone.
    Doctors can be very useful,but if you become to dependent on them,it can be like med
icine you dont need.I can imagine where I would have been if Id ever gone to a shrink.Bee
n on medicines for  years.I could have been dependent on alcohol,and cigarettes.I could
have swore at everyone,and ruined my life.I ran away from my problems all the time,and
even committed suicide many times.I finally realized,I was not really that bad,so I decide
d to change,and think of myself less.I put other people before me.I began to live my life
and always started over every day,
     I never went to doctors who chose to place me on medications forever.They have a
habit of getting into your life,and then you feel like you do now.I am now 98 percent better
than I was when I was twelve, sixteen,eighteen,twenty five and other years.
    I now have  a new heart,and new valve.When I had my bypass,I became better.when I
had my new Heart Valve,I really began to live correctly,and I am 65 years old.
   You see Shaz,My problems stemed from my health problems,which no one seemed to
concerned of,when I told them my problem,of insecurity.When they began to help and I
became better as I am now.I am very happy not to have wasted my life by doing some-
thing stupid like suicide.
    Find out who you your are,and get back to living and clear your bad thoughts.

   Take Care


Jim
  

[shaz853]

They are called Esclitopram i don't think its spelt right but i am so scared of medication i have been allergic to a lot of stuff thats what scares me. I know maybe it would do no harm to try, if i could just get started on them and feel ok not take a reaction or anything then i would try and stay on them a while. If i don't improve soon i will need to do something it all gets too much at times. Have you heard of that medication?

[mammo]

Please don't be afraid to take medication. For many of us, it not only saved our lives, it gave us our lives back.  You have to look at this like any other medical condition.  If you were told you were diabetic, you would take medication and this is no different.  If you have to take a pill or two a day to have a normal, happy life then so be it.  It is about you and what is best for you, and you don't want to throw your life away.  Your children would be devestated,  they need and love you, as I'm sure you do them!  Just please look at this as any other medical issue, because that's what it is, and fortunately we have medications for it.  You can do this, take control of your life and start feeling better with the medication.  If you get a headache, do you take something for the pain?  This is truly no different.  Be strong and take care.

[heyjude1]

Medication can be and is helpful.  It appears therapy alone is not helping enough.  Have you thought about allowing yourself to try medication for a month to see if it makes a difference?   You may be surprised how much it helps you and if it doesn't stop the medication.  What is the medication your therapist is recommending?

[shaz853]

I rang my local mental health team they weren't much help but the distraction of calling them helped she gave me another number to call and that helped a bit but i still feel strange, not real or here and i am so tired. I won't take medication my therapist has been trying for months i am afraid of medication but i know i am not helping myself by not taking it, i feel trapped by the whole situation if medication is needed then i'm stuck because i know i won't take it. I feel like i want to kill myself but part of me is afraid which i guess is good because it keeps me safe, but i know if pushed i might act on it which is why i try to remain calm most of the time. I know my children need me which makes me feel guilty for feeling like this i shouldn't be feeling like this but i do. I will try distraction next time shopping or anything, i am too tired now and my family are at home so its ok for now i can't get away on my own when they are here. Thanks for your help

[heyjude1]

Shaz, I know what you are thinking and feeling...I have been there so many times myself.  It's like "I cannot take anymore, I am full of pain and frustration up to the top and I feel like if something doesn't happen I'm going to blow to pieces".  First advise I can give is to go out and take a walk, go shopping, go do anything to take your mind off yourslef and do something you enjoy to comfort you.  It really does help.  This is why we have Occupational Therapy in the hospital...to find an outlet.  Painting, drawing, cutting paper dolls!  Whatever it takes to get your mind off yourself for awhile. Go get your nails done, go buy scented candles, go see a movie...by yourself...just pamper yourself for a little while.

Second advice is do you take physc meds?  Can you call your doctor?  Maybe he will send you anxiety medication to help you relax.

And the best advice I can give you is this....IF you feel like you will hurt yourself...go to the ER and tell them you are in a crisis and afraid you will hurt yourself...this is extremely important if you feel you may act on a suicidal thought....go for help immediately. Please.

I'm sure your family cares but they cannot possibly understand what you are going thru unless they have been there themselves...how could they understand.  There are people who know what you are going thru and can help you.  Plse. call a Crisis Line or go to the hospital.  Yes, it would hurt them and especialy your children being without their Mother.  You need to get help for them, plse.