no, you don't "get it"

[merveilles]

I understand that I'm not the only person in the world with MDD, that said, no one can walk in your shoes and it's a different experience of the same disease for each person.

my husband is incredibly supportive, but i become livid when he claims to get it. yes, he's had a difficult time of things his whole life. i grew up in a much more stable setting, so i can't claim i understand that. not even a little bit. i just hate the comparison of conditional blues or sadness to clinical depression. i can't change the chemistry of my brain at will. it's very frustrating and i don't want to play the comparing game, i just want everyone to shut up and stop claiming to get what 11 years of a disease is like. i know he'd do anything to help me, but i don't even like to bring it up to anyone, because it just becomes a frustrating discussion no matter what and i feel more alone and upset than before.

[therese83]

I wish you well.  Dont bother trying to make someone understand, give up explaining yourself!

I dont discuss it with my husband anymore.  I just feel so bad after discussing it.  I just let it go.  I deal with it myself and can find support here if needed.  I just say, "I'm doing my thing"  I leave it at that.

I look for support from my husband in other ways, like get him to do the housework LOL! or something useful like that>

[Hensley258]

Thanks, I am Uni-polar with some Bi-polar II components mixed in.

Anxiety is also a big broblem for me. I looked into the MAOI patch, but so many people taking it said that the oral MAOI's they used to take were much more effective.

I dan't care about diet restrictions. I will eat Pablem everyday if it means relief.

TMS is on my agenda, but It so new that most Psychiatrist are not yet performing it and it is expensive. It was just approved by the FDA in October 2008. I hope it takes off soon and becomes more accessable.

So it sounds like you have to also make a lot of meds changes too. Man I feel like such a lab monkey. I hate med changes, but this stuff just doesn't work forever and I have to ceep mixing like some mad scientist.

[ILADVOCATE]

   Actually the MAO inhibitor Emsam was approved in patch form relatively recently and I don't believe there are the dietary restrictions that caused all the problems with taking previous ones. According to my psychopharmocologist the MAO inhibitors are actually an effective class of medications and if it weren't for food and medication interactions they'd be used more and that particular application eliminates that problem. And I did post that I myself considered trans cranial magnetic stimulation so there's that as well. If the experimental antipsychotic hadn't worked and I still had problems including depression I would be willing to undergo that now and much more so than ECT because I wouldn't have the fear of long term memory loss. As for mood stabilizers the anti-cholesterol medication Lovaza is used experimentally for bipolar (basically a synthetic version of fish oil). Those might be some options. You may have tried this but Clonidine in patch form was effective for me and Tenex is as well.
  Mood stabilization is a difficult trick because the brain is always trying to overcome it so a large changeover of mood stabilizers in a life time isn't rare. Its been 30 for me at last count and I'm 36 years old. Let me know if any of this is of use because if not I'll find some more ideas from my psychopharmocologist and pm you as he has access to information on all medications in clinical study that are FDA approved for other purposes and could suggest which ones have shown to be safe and effective.

[Hensley258]

I hope you are right about that ILADVOCATE.

22 Meds and combinations of meds in 17 years and it just seems that with every passing year it gets harder and harder to control the symptoms. I almost feel lucky when I find a combination that gives me 70% relief, but my comfort level is 90% or above.

I just can't seem to get back in remission no matter what meds I try. It's been 4 years out of remission now and I'm just getting so frustrated. I don't ask for a cure, but I really need to put this genie back in the bottle. Even if just for a couple years.

I give every med combination months to work, so it's not that I am just expecting immidiate results.

I sure hope better treatments come along soon, because I honestly fear of what will become of me and my family if I get any worse.

About the only thing I have not yet tried is some of the MAOI's. Maybe they could work better for me, but it's almost like I am afrade to try because I am afrade thet if they don't work then I really have noting to fall back on.

What really pisses me off is that for the first 10 years of my illness, meds worked pretty damn good. Maybe a change every couple years, but I could always get it dorment again.

Not so much anymore for the past 7 years. Maybe I have just been taking so many different antidepressants and mood stabilizers so long that my body is like, "yea right pal, we know that trick."

It's like no matter what I try, I just can't get the response I once used to get. I have no past life trama, my job is stress free, my family is fine. I keep asking myself, why the hell can I not get better effectiveness from my meds?

I just seam to get more tolerent of these drugs every year. It's really testing my fortitude to even continue on.

I think even my Psychiatrist is getting frustrated. He's one of the best and I think even he is feeling like, "well whats the point with him."

I don't know, maybe I should just subject myself to ECT. For the first time in my battle with this condition I honestly feel like I have hit a brick wall in terms of my treatment options.

[ILADVOCATE]

  I well appreciate your perspective and regardless of what recovery I've achieved I'd never say I'm "cured" but I have my psychosis basically in remmission and the mood disorder aspect stabilized as well. I certainly had the same feelings of depression before and when they were coupled with psychosis I could say it was hellish. Including suicidal ideations before recovery. I am not going to say I am "over that" because I know schizoaffective, like depression is biochemical but I would say I am "recovered". As for psychiatrists some have been sympathetic and some haven't. It depends. I guess I am an eternal optimist and don't believe in "treatment refractory depression". To me it just means that the medications out now don't treat a person's depression but one will.          
  When I look at where I was in 2007 being unable to tolerate Clozaril and that was my last option I did think my life had run out of hope and I've detailed the rest enough times. And I believe the new treatments for depression in study are more effective in how they work. The only cynics I ran into were at the beginning when I explained I had made a full recovery from schizoaffective disorder but when they could see it for themselves they no longer felt that way. And I'm working closely with some of them now. There are better treatments in the works. For everyone...

[Hensley258]

I right there with you on that one.

After 17 years dealing with this beast of depression and anxiety, I will not even try to explain it to a non-sufferer. It's a complete waste of my time.

They think they know, but in reality that have no clue of the torment that this disease causes to the mind and body.

I try to not get frustrated with it anymore. I think non-sufferers want to understand, but honestly they simply don't not have the capacity to understand.

Kind of like explaining colour to a life long blind person. It can''t be done. I can't blame them because I know for a fact that if I did not suffer this, then I wouldn't really understand either. The logical mind says, "hey relax, perk up and face your demons."

Ha! Yea right! I feel like saying to them; Do you know what it's like to wake up everyday with your whole body trembling uncontrolibly? Do you know what it's like to have a feeling of Doom, dread, and horror in your head so powerful that you can't concentrate long enough to even read a childs book? Do you know what it's like when your head and body feel heavy all the time and your head feels like a mad swurling tempist!

Here is the response.... "oh well, yea I get stressed and upset like that sometimes."

Oh ok pal. Keep thinking you know because you don't know squat.
Sometimes my wife will say, "why didn't you tell me you were going into another relaps?"

What the hell good is it going to do? The best of modern Psychiatry can't help me what makes her think she can! It's better just to suffer in silence or post to someone that knows the torment first hand.

I once told my Psychiatrist that if God came down now and said, "you give me your left foot and walk on a stup the rest of your life, then I will grant you a complete cure of your depression." I swear as I write this I would take that trade. That is how much I hate this chronic condition.

In fact I might even trade my whole left leg for that cure.

[ILADVOCATE]

  Your welcome. This site has some more information:
http***www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm
and this is a list of all medications in development which updates itself:
http***www.psychmeds123.info/
I know there are new classes of anti-depressents that should be out soon and as for anti-psychotics, the glutamate antagonists are showing great promise as for recovery rates and long term side effect profile. As a person who has recovered from schizoaffective disorder with glycine, a phase II antipsychotic in FDA study which is a glutamate antagonist I can personally testify to this and have done so. There's a chance more psychiatrists will start to use this (my specific case study will be published in a psychiatric journal, for the official study google "Dr. Javitt, glycine") as an adjunct (additional) antipsychotic but I'm the first person to recover with it as a primary but I'll make the results available when they are made public. Regardless its a compound, not an approved medication as of yet but the study drugs LY2140023 and LY354740 which are glutamate antagonists are showing the same good results as primary antipsychotics (can be taken by themselves) so let's just say its a matter of time. I'll update people as more results come in.

[merveilles]

I appreciate your encouragment. Thanks. I've been on every antidepressant and antipsychotic currently approved. No luck so far, but it will come.

[ILADVOCATE]

As for depression it is treatable. You may have not found the right medication yet. There are new anti-depressents developed all the time. Google "Depression Central" for more information. And if you still have insomnia as before, Lunesta and Rozerem are good options, especially Rozerem which is non addictive and derived from Melatonin so that it actually adjusts the sleep cycle and has a safer long term side effect profile than Tradazone and has been quite effective for many people.