this one's a big job. I really appreciate anyone who takes a whack at it...

[mecheb]

I have done so much to figure out what is up with me and fix it, i don't want to have to drop out of school! i love school! i love it! but i can't, even, do the littlest things for myself right now let alone finish this much work for something i normally adore.

here is a list of information about me that may help you determine what may be wrong:  




sometimes my eyes can't focus and move about in one spot quickly without me being able to stop for a a good few seconds. happens about 2-3 times a month for 5-10 seconds to a long time(hour? more?) mildly.

i'm tired all the time

i can't remember anything - names take a good 4-6 times, or a particularly nice or interesting person. most of my childhood is blanktown.

my back aches often, horribly

i can't stop thinking at night so i can sleep

i sleep 12 hours at a time, wake up, am so tired that i go back to sleep, feel horribly and guilty when i awake at 1-3... waking at 12 is a big beautiful deal. -i can wake up for school though, and other things- but otherwise.

i'm obsessive to a point where even if i don't want to be, i still am

i get sad a lot

im hypersensitive to people and very emotional

my temper is short and i can't stop myself from crying under extreme confrontational situations.


used to be a very successful artist, i can't do art anymore
the dishes, the sewing i used to love, writing is hard and i love writing? drawing. no drawing. ever. that means i have to be alone and think.

i feel lonely a lot, and don't like being alone. i have a lot of friends but i feel very alone, i don't have a lot of close friends, i'm so strait forward that a lot of people are scared of me. i do not lie anymore, i am up front honest with everyone about nearly everything, and i'm not scared to say stuff, or object to something i think is wrong. it scares people away, people are used to being fake, external shells and never really connecting. i open to everyone. i connect more to strangers than i do people i know. i like talking with people about them, and helping them figure their life out, also. that seems to be my one passion. verbal communication. compassion exchanges.
- i look to people around me and that determines how i see myself. i am aware of this and am trying to stop this, but i am having a difficult time. depending on what kind of experience i have with another, my mood emerges. how i effect that person, negatively or positively? that makes me.

i get distracted constantly

i get very tense

anxiety ?

I can't sit still in a chair for a long time (trips out of classes, constant moving and readjusting in bed and chairs, not being able to sit and write or draw)

i've had a horribly traumatic and complicated childhood involving mental abuse, repeated abandonment and fear of, lack of communication and education, malnutrition (junk food meat and processed crap), lack of sleep (staying up till 5 am and sleeping till 2-4 from ages 5-?8? my memory doesn't work.) I exhibit many of the symptoms of child sexual abuse, and was most likely abused by one of my mother's drivers on accounta she'd leave me in a car with them in a parking lot all night when she was in a bar i wasn't allowed into by the bartender.
i have had traumatic physical abuses that were mild, but at young ages by my mother and my grandfather, both of which involved violent shaking. I am aware of both things? when repeated or simulated i react physically, i am beginning to be able to control these reactions.

my father has sleep apnea, hyperthyroidism, rheumatoid arthritis and dyslexia, all of which in the worst cases. he has very high blood pressure. he is an alcoholic and did a hell of a lot of drugs before i was born. he is 300 pounds and eats near nothing, and is trying but he's failing, so hard. but he's trying, finally.

my mother is psychologically disturbed, delusional, was a heroin addict before i was born and has done many many other drugs, has burning mouth syndrome and breast cancer in her history... extreme alcoholism and codependency... um, i don't know much about her but i do know her brain is not working right. she's lacking some sort of responsibility factor or, i have no idea. depression is a yes, for both parents i'll go and say.

-they misdiagnosed me with genital herpes when i was 3. i was tested recently and i don't have it! YES (my whole life, do you know what that does to a person? JEsus)
BUT, my mother's 'burning mouth syndrome' has been passed on to me it seems, and i realize that my symptoms as a child could very well be related to just that. they know little about the disease due to its rarity, and i think, thats what it is.

my diet has improved, i eat not so much meat and a lot of veggies, sometimes junk but not as much. not a lot of soda or sugar. not a lot of alcohol. not a lot of drugs, and only pot occasionally.

I have had at least 5 hard blows to the head either form falling, baseball bat (it was a game, no one tried to kill me) a mild car accident, and one unlit heavy fireplace.

I am 20, female, not overweight, 140 pounds, and i really appreciate you reading this far.
i ride my bike and walk enough to say i exercise.

thank you so much.

[emsybaby]

firstly i cant help you, and im pretty sure you should see a doctor/counsellor.
on the other hand, im surprised you're still alive!! most people in your situation would feel pretty ****, but please just believe that it can only get better. you excercise, you sound like you look after yourself as much as the next person, you've jus had a very difficult start.
get to a doctor, write it all down if you have to and start over

[lizzy100]

pretty much all of your symptoms are signs of depression, -inability to concentrate, sit still, focus are all signs. in terms of treatment you need to see ur doc about medication and therapy is probably a good idea too. there are self help books but not many good ones in my opinion. its a shame its got to this point of affecting your school.
exercise is meant to help, although it never helps me much. wwalking doesnt really count as exercise because u have to raise your heart rate. try and make yourself take up swimming or something. this is my plan as its good for your health, body toning and maybe relaxing? exercise might help u sleep too. hope u get something sorted out.
depression and stress can manifest sa physical symptooms such as backe/muscle ache etc.

[alanas]

Hi. You sound so much like me. I too had a rough childhood with a lot of mental abuse. My mother is Schizophrenic you see. It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I am not a doctor, just someone who has been experiencing it since I was about 14. I am now 28. You also sound like you have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

I understand what you mean about observing other people's reactions to you. Sometimes you can blow things out of proportion and you think "That person hates me!" I also cry in confrontations so most of the time I avoid them like the plague. I am a singer and I was twenty I had a break down after being date raped and I failed subjects at uni. I couldn't remember words to songs in performances and ended up not being that promising young singer anymore.

My advice is to seek counselling. I went to a psychiatrist and he pumped me full of pills....that helps with the serotonin levels (the chemical in the body that promotes wellbeing) but does nothing to help the fact that you have had a really hard life and therefore have many issues you need to sort out. I don't know if you feel you need the help of medication as well but definitely seek counselling. I went to the ones at University and they were really crap. You need someone who is going to take an interest in you long term.

My next bit of advice is to stop seeing the people in your life that make you feel bad about yourself. I did this and it was the best decision I ever made. I have only seen my mother twice in the last 8 years and that might sound harsh but I don't deserve her emotional abuse. My mother also lacks responsibility over her actions and liked to blame me for the fact that her life *****.

You need to try and take control. You deserve to heal, you really do. I commend you for not taking drugs and going down that path, I make this assumption as you have not said anything about taking any. Please let me know how you are going. Things do get better....after 14 years of struggle I am in a good place. I managed to get through my break down and I went on to finish university and then went back and finished my masters degree in teaching 2 years ago. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it.

Take Care.