trust ,.

i dont trust anyone anymore i have been let down so much by d,rs,  and my family .
i feel so guilty for not been there when my daughter needed me the most ,
i feel guilty for not realizing and acting on it when my daughter  was changing in her manner before she took her life ,
she  wasn't my daughter i should have noticed it.....
my best friend and i fell out with each other and i miss her and her family so much it hurts ,i would have went to the ends of the earth for her .
i dont know if the boredom ,..the loneliness ,...the hurt ...the guilt ,.the not trusting ,..the looking after every bill that come into my house ,the looking after my son in his grief ,or the taking the chit from my husband ,.is the worse ,and thats on top of loosing my two children to suicide ,...
i swear i really think i would be better of not being here on this earth for to put up with anymore of this ,
how can i ever be really happy again with this all going on i my life ,..im on meds and im going to see a therpaist once a week but nothing is really changing for to give me some happiness in my life ,
its the same old chit day in day out ,.please be honest and someone tell me that dying is better than to live like this ,.

[LeftCoastChick]

You've been through so much, and I'm so sorry to hear all the pain. You need to break that cycle though, suicide is not the answer - you know how hurt you are at your sons' suicides, imagine the same thing if you went ahead as well.

How long have you been on meds for? If it's only really recent, give it a little time. If you feel at anytime you really are going to harm yourself, go to the hospital, until they have you stable and on the right meds.  You need to take care of you first, you can't second your feelings to anyone else okay?

Call your therapist, and tell him/her how you are feeling, get an app't right away if you feel you are safe enough at home.  After having a suicide attempt myself, I know you there is some light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how you are feeling.  You posted here, obviously you are reaching out for help, please go to your locall ER ASAP!
keep in touch,
LCC
Here's a helpful link
http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=Ireland

[star641]

Ive been through so much and im still going through it ,...i have a lot to deal with at the moment ,i was fine today till my husband came home from work and started to give out over his dinner ,.just an excuse to start on me ,.im trying my best to do everything
and i mean everything all my husband has to do is go to his work ,.
i worked all my life till my daughter took her life just after my son and that finished me
going out to work outside the home .but i work very heard to keep a good home
i have so many things on my mind and my husband doesn't even ask me how i am feeling of do i need a hand with anything ,..
im on meds 3 years now ,...
i set on my daughters grave today and told her i will be with her soon i spoke and pleaded to god to please take me while i sleep ,,..i cant take anymore of my husbands snarry remarks and he will tell me he doesn't say anything he makes me out to be the mad one ,...i have tyred to take my life before ,there is nothing they can do .
its down to me now .... im not reaching out for help on mh  because there is no help for me ,the only help i would get is if was to leave my husband but i cant because i have a son whom i cant take  from his dad because he has lost his brother and sister ,
but i dont know how much more i can take ,..i know i need to be strong for my son sake
but at this moment i feel as weak as a kitten ,......
i posted here just to get it out your right but i still feel the same as i did 7 hours ago , my head feels all weired and my tummy feels sick ,...
i dont really know where i am, or what im saying i hope you can understand what my head is like at this moment ,.thanks .

[LeftCoastChick]

I know you feel really lost, I would really recommend that you see your therapist more often until you've got more strength. You may also want to review your meds with your doctor, sometimes they stop working as well. If you don't have a psychiatrist, get a referral - so s/he can figure out a better med for you.  You have to stop beating yourself up, it's not your fault your children died, they were very sick. You know that path isn't the right one.  As much as you want to take care of everyone else, you are not a super hero okay?  If you don't tell your therapist the kind of feelings you've been posting, please do, honesty leads to health, hang in there,
LCC

[star641]

its up to my therapist to see me when she thinks i need it and so far its once a week she gives me ,she is a therapist for suicidal and self harm people ,i would go more often if she said i needed to go ,.....i used to go 3 times a week but there are so many people like myself she has to make time for them also ,.i know i could do with going to see her more but thats the way it is unfortunately its once a week or nothing ,..she has told me its my husband that is making my depression worse ,..she wants me to leave him but i cant because of my son his counselor has told me it would take a bad affect on him if i did so im caught between my husband and my son needs ,..
im on my new meds now im on week 3 of them  lexapro ,...my meds were changed after
i ended up in the hospital in jan after an o.d....

my therapist know im suicidal and she knows the chit my husband give me at times ,.
i tell her everything i dont hold back thats why i know its up to me in the end if i can take
anymore of this ,..i know i did everything for my son and daughter when they where
alive but what i cant get away from is i wasn't here when my daughter was feeling so bad in herself ,...i was away and she took her life hours before my plane landed ,..she took her life because she got into her dads car and hit the back of it ,.she went into a tree while reversing it out of our runway ,.she hadn't been herself after her brother died and when this happened it was just to much for her because she knew she would have had to face her dad when we got home and rather than to do that in her state of mind she took her life ,..i know because she left me a note before she died ,..she was so afraid of her dad ,..but she also knew i would never of let him say a word to her ,..i was always there for her if her dad ever started on her and she knew that ,.my daughter should still be here with us ,...i do believe if she wasn't to afraid to face her dad she would still be here with us ,..she told her dad in the note he loved his car more than he loved her it was so sad to read ,i know she was tyred of living ,..yes i know what that feel like now ,...its all just getting to much for me now thanks for your reply back
and allowing me to get  things out ,....i will try to keep on going ,..

[Cherie762]

childrena re residulant if Kevin stays with his dad or you move near by that he may see each of you it could be doable,,,,,,we only get one shot in this game of life and I know two ladies who deserve to be happy  you and me....get out bernie it takes a lot of guts I know it is scary but youll find peace.

[LeftCoastChick]

It's hard when you feel stuck - I'm in more of a down period right now, though it's bound to happen because I'm Bipolar, but I'm training my rational mind to kick in more when I'm emotionally feeling low.

I"m glad to hear you've moved over to a new drug, it may take a bit of time to kick in, they say it's about 4-6 weeks normailly for that  class of meds - if you don't feel a change at all after week 4, see if you need your med upped, or another med added - it's pretty normal to have more then one med on board, especially when you have suicidal ideations. Once you are feeling stronger and have more energy, do things to make yourself more independant, it sounds like your husband is pretty toxic, especially since your daughter was afraid of him as well. The more independant you feel, the more empowered you will be to do something about your situation. You don't deserve to be put down or barked at by anyone!!  I was in a relationship like that, albeit it wasn't a long time, just going on 2 yrs, I was stuck for a while because of finances, BUT I learned the value of myself and that strengthen me down to the core of me. I left and never looked back. My ex tried to get me back, I changed my phone number, moved to a location where he couldn't find me. It was the best thing I ever did.

[star641]

ya i know something is going to have had to be done about my husband ,
and at this moment there is also a family therpaist coming to our home once a week
he is keeping his eye on my husband ,..but for now the therpaist  is  making friends with him ,...hes trying to get on the good side  of my husband so he will open up to him about us unfortunaley the therapist wasn't with us last week he went of for a few days and my husband knowing that started with me  but i will phone him and have a chat with him before he comes next week about my husbands behavior ...hes not coming that long so i will have to give the therapist a chance at this ,.
i cant leave my home there are to many memory's of my children there ,
the only way i will leave is in a box,...im not saying im a saint  i know other family members find depression so hard to deal with when they haven't got it themselves .
and i think that is what is wrong with my husband ..he wants me back but he doesn't realize im not ever going to be able to come back, to the Pearson i once was and that in its self  is sad ,but leaving my husband out of this i have so many things i need help with ,and i do know that family's can only take so much as well .

i will be starting week 4 next week on my meds ,.......i might start to get a bit more stronger ,i shall see over the next few week hod things are going with this new guy ,,
so thank you so much for been there for me ,..

[marymagdeline]

I am so very sorry to hear about all that you are going through.  I'm also sorry to hear that 2 of your children took their lives.  I too had a family member that took their life.  It is very common for people NOT to realize that the person who is suicidal is having problems.  Is it possible that your daughter knew that you were already suffering due to the death of your son, and so she didn't want to burden you?  I myself have been suicidal and have not let on to ANYONE that I had plans to kill myself.  I was always careful to act 'normal.'  And I always made sure that my mother thought I was find because I loved her so much, the last thing I wanted to do was cause her to worry.  Please, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's death.  And even though she said she was taking her life because she could not face her father after smashing his car, you know that it was not just for that reason.  A mentally healthy, emotionally sound person DOES NOT take their life because they are afraid that their father will be furious and yell and scream at them for something they did.  You say you don't have a reason to live, but remember, you have a son who needs his mom.  He is going to cope better with the death of his siblings when he sees you coping better.  Can the 2 of you (and maybe even your husband) go to a support group for people whose families have died as a result of suicide???  (That helped me a lot.)  Be the mom to him that you would be to your other kids if they were here.  Also, you mentioned that you mourn the friendship you once had with a woman before the 2 of you had a falling out.  Here is the key to resolving problems like that (whether they are with a friend of with your husband).  Humility.  Pride is the oppostie of humility.  And pride causes strife.  Pride says, "You owe ME an apology" and "You can talk to ME that way" and "I desire this and I desire that."  If you humble yourself, you can get your friend back.  Just send her a note telling her your sorry.  That it was all your fault.  And to please forgive you.  Don't mention anything she said or did.  It should be all about you, not her.  If you really want her back, then you must truly forgive her for whatever she said or did, and then humble yourself and ask her for her forgiveness.  And by the way, don't say,"I forgive you."  Remember, this is all about you.  Not her. Maybe you can't do this now.  But one day you'll be able to forgive her.  And then you'll be able to humble yourself and ask for her forgiveness.  As for your husband, yes it sounds like he's hard to live with.  But the things you mentioned are the things all of us women complain about.  He is really like ALL husbands.  When they come home from a long hard day at work, they don't want to talk to us.  They want to unwine first.  They never say, "how was your day?"  Or, "how are you feeling today?"  NEVER!  Me and my girlfrieds always say that we can't talk to our husbands until they have had their dinner.  Women are sensitive, insightful, and thoughtful.  They think a lot.  That's why they make great nuturers.  Men don't think a lot.  They are not sensitive, insightful, or thoughtful.  They are physical.  That's why they are good providers and protectors. I don't expect my husband to respond to me the way a woman would and therefore I'm never disappointed.  I know your hurting.  And it seems like he doesn't care enough. But I'll bet he does.  He just can't show it the way that you can when he's hurting.  And he can't be all that bad if he's willing to have therapy to improve your relationship.  Last, I know it seems like God is no where to be found.  But he is there.  What I've learned is that God does not cause the bad things in our lives.  But he allows them.  And His best trick is bringing good out of bad situations.  Look at the cross of Christ.  How Jesus suffered and died on a cross of all things.  But look at the good that came out of it.  Jesus' sacrifice paid the price of our sins so that, instead of US being punished for our sins after we die, we are able to go to heaven and spend all eternity with Him.  He was punished so we wouldn't have to be.  And because He opened the doors to heaven, your 2 children are living in paradise right now.  They would feel horrible if they knew (and they do by the way...but that's another story) that you are suffering on their account.  They want you to be happy.  Until God choses to take you to heaven to live with them.  God has a purpose for your life. Your here for a reason.  You will one day find that reason out.  In fact, do you know where I found the greatest help after my family member took their life?  It was from another person who had a family member who took their life.  I met her at a support group.  If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today (and that was 20 years ago).  You may just end up being that for someone else one day.