turning point

[maruko99]

iam a 20 year old female
my school life was a hell with bullies
i was the shortest not good at sports.
the bullies just made me feel iam just a rubbish thing
their bullies increased wen i topped in academics
it was something unbelievable for them to conceive that the shortest person is more smart than them
finally wen i came out of my school i just had a paper with good grades, but my confidence self esteem all broke away
my mom is another bully
she used to call me useless ,,,blah blah and blah
again self respect fell
soon i stopped crying and found myself comfortable inlaughing at myself
now it have become a habit to make fun of myself
3 years from now iam suffering from ibs
great my anxity level increased and every time i step out only one thing wud be there inside myy mind of when i wud get back home
i feel highly affected by this problem
i cant even share this with my frnds
now from three years i have suffered a lot
these three yrs where unlucky for me
full of problems stress and diseases
all this have mad me turn out to be a sadist
i was never like this
earlier i wudnt even pluck a flower
today if a see a plant out of frustration i pluck out all flowers
i even thought to hit a cat with stone
this is the same cat i used to feed and love
but today out of frustration i hate everything
i am unable to dream hope
feels like all colours faded suddenly
earlier only hope in my life was to shre things with my sister
today shes married and away from home and takes less interest in my issues
wat can i do to bring back my old spirit enthusiasm and life
plz help me

[persephonedemeter]

I apologize to you, Manuko99. Thank you for letting me know that I mistead about the cat.It was my mistake.

I think it is great that you are going to start yoga, especially since I find it concentrates on both physical and mental issues, and for me, very soothing. I would like to know if it works out for you.Before class, I would let the instructor know your physical ailments. That way, they are aware and give consideration to tell you how to adjust positions so you don't hurt yourself. They may also tell you specific positions that target your specific problems.

I also want to remind you that I think it is worth considering talking to someone face to face, like a therapist, You mentioned you have IBS, and emotional turmoil or problems can slow and block improvements and add to physical illness, especially with IBS. I am concern that when you started coping by making fun pf yourself, and eventually, that wore you down, I hope you can realize the strengths and great things about yourself, and get in touch with them. I don't think you realize that and see it, because you are overwhelmed.

Ask the doctor who is treating you for your physical illnesses and conditions, if he thinks you are depressed. To me, it is rhetorical from what you have said in your post, and I don't know if you are able to hide your anguish, but Inwould let your doctor know that you are having problems coping with stress and what you went through. You been going through this for a long time and you may need an anti-depressant (short term) to help you out, but it is hard to say, because 2 of your ailments affect mood, from what I read now and I don't see a lot of what is going on with you. It's worth asking to consider.

[maruko99]

thanks for your advice.i didnt hit the cat , i just thot to do so,but then i stopped.
i dont really want to hurt someone.
but when i see god making my life full of problems, i think wats the use of being good,so such irrational thots of hurting someone comes to my mind.
and ya i have started going to yoga classes so that my physical diseases find a cure.
okay i shall try to divert my anger into constructive things
thanks for responding

[persephonedemeter]

forgive the typos, please, above. I hope most of it makes sense to you, i also just want to say, I know you said you aren't good at sports. When I suggested the sports, I mentioned, I realized that, but I am not asking for you to be good at it or compete. I suggested it to just get you to do channel your anger. It doesn't bother me when I look clumsy when I learn something like that, and when I don't really enjoy it, I just  stop doing it, or I juat take the basic movement and do that.

When athletes first start, most are not all great and were clumsy at sports in the beginning, They just get really good at it when they keep practicing and the reflexes and muscles learn better. I'm more bookish than into sports. If you get self conscious, donsomething that doesn't require another person to hit the ball back or make you feel too self conscious. I would suggest a video game, but I think you need a mind body connection, in my opinion. Any kind of movement or exercise will help, even a boxing aerobics movement class.

[persephonedemeter]

I really a sorry that your were bullied by cruel people. It's another name for abuse and assault. When I went to a  new school, I was beaten with a bat by one girl in a group of 3 during gym class out on the baseball field. I was taunted by them before, Like you, I was a short kid who liked sports and academics. I spent most of my free time in the library. They couldn't understand that, among other things. Since I sustained injuries, they didn't get away with it. I had pretty outraged parents and family,  and I didn't let them get away with it either.

I get the anger you have and the intensity of it. However, I think you know that you are turning your anger into something that is turning you to do the kinds of behaviors that made you angry in the first place. Anger and outrage is totally appropriate to the kind of oppression and stress you feel and went through. The good news is, that you really can turn your life around and get your life back.

Please don't hit and abuse the cat again. I doubt that made you feel good or better. It's easy to destroy things and it doesn't change anything for the better, It takes work to build things, but that is were change happens,becomes enduring and usually brings on happiness and it uses expands and has improves so many other things for the better. You know what is hurting you, so part of the work is done already. I would start by making amends to the cat, and treating the cat a lot nicer. I think you would have wanted the people who abused you, and especially, your mother who verbally abuses you, to stop their behavior, see and appreciate you for who you are instead of what they think they see you as, and realize the pain they caused you. Start with that with the cat.

Talk to someone face to face like a therapist or some kind of counselor who you can talk to comfortably and can not only listen to you but give you direction, a way to deal with your anger without hurting yourself or other beings, and not only get you back to your "old spirit and enthusiasm," but make you stronger and much more. That person is just going to guide and support you, You are going to do the work and, also, guide yourself too. starting now, be your own best friend. If you are that angry, you haven't lost yourself. You are just buried under all those things that wore you down and weigh on you, I can tell you now; besides letting someone know your pain, directing and letting go of your anger in a constructive way to make you stronger and effective, you are going to need to start by distancing yourself inside and outside of you from the things that easily get to you..llike your mother.

It's hard to change other people, because you have no control over them, You can only try to influence them or let them know what they need to change, but, really, the only person who you can influence and control is yourself. You have a lot of things going for you already. Build on it. It opens up to a lot of good things and a better road after that.

If you need to hit something, take a pillow and hit it against the wall. Take up racquetball, golf, tennis, baseball, bowling  or anything that involves throwing something and hitting it. I also run when I get really angry, No one has to be around me when I run it out of me, especially when I let out a curse word or a few orher phrases, running on a track (my preference) or someplace where no one can hear what I am saying. Some people take up defense and martial  arts. I did that also. In fact, it probably helped save me from being injured worse when I was beaten with the bat. They teach you how to avoid and lessen injury from others and yourself in an altercation.

In regards to dealing with people like your Mom and all the other annoying people and stress that you will deal with now and the future, if you can't physically distance yourself, or you actually have to work with them, you will need to learn how to detach and distance yourself mentally from them, Take up a meditation course. I also would suggest learning how to talk or negotiate conflict. This will all just add to your repertoire of being a social being and expand your skills in work siruations and get more of an edge in life. There are ways of talking to people, including your mother. if your therapist or counselor is good at talking to you, you can have her teach you how to talk to people like your mother, and role play it to practice those skills.

You have a lot of possibilites in your life now and ahead of you. You don't have to be buried by the misfortunes and oppression you experience now or then.