what can I do?

[vangellis]

Hi
I am new to posting in this group although I have been lurking and reading posts on here for a few weeks, it is only now I have plucked up enough courage to actually post on here.
Well, this is my situation and I am at my wits end as what to do about it.
I am a married man 56 years old. I have suffered from bad depression now for around 17 years.
I get the odd day when I feel ok but mainly I am feeling pretty low in myself.
My medication is quite high, I take 45mg of mirtazapine and 45mg of lustral (sertraline) plus 15mg of valium daily.
On top of that I take beta-blockers plus aspirin and simsavastatin as I had a heart attack back last year.
I live at home with my wife and my grown up son and his girlfriend lives with us, my daughter is living in a flat with her boyfriend.
My marriage seemed fine till about 15 years ago, my wife used to be a lovely person. she didn't work as such,she was a full time housewife/mother.
then she got herself a job as a dinner lady at the local school. It was then that her attitude towards me changed dramatically. I dont know if it was because she had her own income and did not feel dependant on me or what, but she definately changed.
She has been saying nasty cruel things to me ever since, she calls me all sorts, keeps on running me down, saying how useless I am and things like that. she really upset me when my brother in law died of lung cancer by saying it should of been me who died instead as he was a happy person and I am a miserable ****. she also said she wished I had died when I had my heart attack.
Then other times she can be very nice and we seem to get on great for a while, but it doesnt last for long.
Only a fortnight ago we were not speaking as usual so I decided to treat us to a short holiday with the money I had been saving, I took her to blackpool for a short break mon to fri, we stayed in a caravan, it was very nice we enjoyed it very much, but soon as we got home and were unpacking the car she started again, caling me names and telling me she hates the sight of me, now we're back to not speaking again.
I feel very nervous all the time when she is around, its a wierd feeling, It's like walking on eggshells all the time trying not to do or say anything to "start her off"
I have considered leaving but I have nowhere at all to go, I have no brothers or sisters as I was an only child and I have sort of lost contact with all my friends due to my depression ( I'm sure you know what I mean)
I have on many occassions thought about suicide as I can see no end to this nightmare.
and as I'm sure you can appreciate the more she belittles me and runs me down the more depressed I get.
I say to her "Why are you always nasty to me" and she says becuse she enjoys it, and because I have made her life a misery for the past 17 years with my depression.
but I know I haven't been that bad, I feel low, yes, but I dont take it out on her at all.
So there we are, anyone have any ideas suggestions please.
thank you
Richard.

[starr28]

Hi,

It sounds like your wife is the one with the problem.  I have suffered for
20 years with depression and I couldnt have made it through without
an understanding husband so I feel for you.  It is impossible for people
without depression to understand what we go through but they should
at least try tobe supportive.  What would your wife do if you told her how
bad the things she says hurt you, would she care?  I will be praying
for you and hope things get better soon,

best wishes,
starr28

[SilverLining00]

Why do you stay with her?  You may be happier without her.  She sounds very abusive, not somebody you would want to have around you for support or in a time of need.

I have suffered off and on for many year with depression as well.  It took me many years before I realized that my mood/state of mind was very much linked with what I ate.  I found that if I ate wheat products, or too much sugar, I would become very depressed.  I have thought about it quite a bit and realized that, if medication taken orally can affect my mood, so can the food I eat.  Why not?  I try very hard to stay away from wheat products (it's really tough because I love bread), and what a difference in my mood.  Also, when my mood crashes, I don't personalize it as much, because I recognize that it is coming from what I ate, and it will go away when it clears from my system.  What I'm suggesting here, is that you see if you can find any relationship to something you eat on a regular basis, with the ups and downs of your mood.  It may take a few days to clear it out of your system, but is really is worth a shot.  I know a person who gets schizophrenic symptoms from food sensitivity.  Best wishes for good health and happiness.

[jakesbride110]

You know my husband use to be depressed, it would drive me absolutely insane because I grew up such a happy person. It plainly infuriated me when he would just be sad ALL the time. I never treated him like that however, I knew yelling at him for something he couldn't control would only worsen everything. I would sometimes go sit in my car and cry because I didn't know what to do. So I would just try and encourage him. Plainly I just didn't understand. I didn't understand and it made me angry. For me it was so easy to be happy and blow off the things that he would stress over. So why couldn't he just be happy? I would tell him sometimes what's the point in wasting your time being so depressed when there are so many things you could be happy about. Now it's the other way around. He came out of it after we moved. He had a very bad childhood and I think that getting away from everything really helped him to move on with his life. The funny thing is now I'm starting to understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy and that NO one understands me. I feel so lonely at times. But for me it's insomnia I just can't seem to sleep, ever. I think that's the reason for my bad feelings. What she is doing is completely wrong, and I'm not taking up for her actions at all. However maybe she just does not understand why you are so depressed and she hates you for it. I use to feel like I was a failure because he was unhappy. I mean if your married your supposed to be able to make eachother happy, and I just couldn't figure out why I could not make him happy. So maybe your wife hates herself as well. Maybe she feels like a failure and takes it out on you. I think my husband looks at me now the way I use to look at him, however he does understand better. I think he just feels helpless like he doesn't know what to do. I hope this helps. Even if it doesn't, I hope things will get better for you.

[justme231]

My first response while reading your blog was the same as starr28.  Your wife seems to have the problem, not you.  I never could understand meanness.  In my opinion, if she makes you feel that bad, you should not stay with her.  You do have family.  You have your children and their significant other.  You will never be alone.  
Meanness usually comes from the feeling of inadequacy within oneself.  Like the schoolyard bully.  Perhaps it is a question you could ask her before you make your final decision.  Does she really feel she would be better off without you in her life?  If she says yes, then I think you have no choice.  Leave.  There is nothing in our vows that state we have to put up with abuse from our spouse.  You will only suffer more if you stay with someone who is abusive towards you.  And if your statements are accurate, I would say it is abuse.
  I have been married for 28 years.  We have been together for 31.  It has never been perfect, but we have managed to work through things.  About seven years ago my husband and I got a legal separation.  In the end it probably saved our marriage.  He was extremely verbally abusive at the time.  It was due to something physiological.  Believe it or not he had aspertame poisoning.  If I had not left, he would not have realized that it was he that was miserable and not me making him so.  He sought professional help and here we are today.
Even if it doesn't work out as mine did, you deserve better treatment in your life.  You deserve to be happy.  Do you really want to feel this bad every day.  I know I didn't.  I didn't know how it was going to turn out, but I also knew I couldn't allow myself to be treated that way.
God bless you.  I will be praying for you.