Oh my, I'd written you a looooooong letter now. Eaten by the web, sorry!
I'll try to write it again. Suddenly I'd clicked something I shouldn't have!
Suicidal thoughts don't come alone. They do also come with fear and tons of what if's. What's the fear? Take a look around. What in life is it that makes you think of suicide as an option out of life? It is chemistry - our brains change its chemical compounds. you need to find someone to talk to, to help you find the positive in life. Maybe that's the last thing you'd want to do, but you're asking "how to put aside suicide ideation" and the answer is: "Put it aside". It's going to take a lot of will from you. I never thought that I'd be able to put it aside, that I wasn't strong enough, hadn't got reasons enough etc.
It wasn't so difficult when only I looked at what life really could give. The world wasn't against me!
Some people run out in the rain without anything.
Some people use their umbrella. They were a bit prepared because they saw the clouds.
Other people stay inside and play solitaire.
It is much the same with depression and feeling sad.
The first time it happens, we don't know much how to deal with it. We have a personal crisis.
If it happens again, we can recognize it and cope with it better than the first time. We see the warning signs.
If we do like the solitaire-players, we only isolate ourselves from the solutions to life.
Also, everyone talks about death as a release. But no one knows where we go to after death.. it could be blankness, it could be a better place, it could be a worse place. Like the existence of God... they who claim to know God doesn't exist are as ridiculous as they who claim to know God does. In reality, all we can do is determine for ourselves whether we personaly are more comfortable living as though there were, or as though there were not. However, in the question of life vs. death there is no "or". You are going to die, and you can't escape that. You are going to oblivion eventually, IF that's what's in store for us, or to the better place, or to the worse place. You're in the back of the police car, handcuffed, locked in, no gun, no options, on your way to be executed. Life is not an option when it's your time to die, and the time WILL come when you no longer have the option to live. Well, a bunch of anti-death activists have just blocked the police car and are screaming at the cops to let you out, and the cops are telling you where the secret unlock mechanism is, and you can push a button and escape confinement, get out of that part of town, shoot death a bird and see what develops. Oh yeah, death will grin his grin, knowing you've only won a temporary victory, he'll get you in the end. That's cool, because it's not the end yet.
My admission papers for last week's vacation to the looney bin for evaluation were stamped "suicide attempt". Last night I looked at the bottle of substance I was mixing with vast quantities of hootch on my way out, and found there were only 27 left out of 100. So I suppose it must have been real. As a result of that attempt, the "situations" involved in my "situational depression" have exponentially worsened. But I'm sitting here very glad that my attempt failed. I'm going to engage in some "situational hiney kicking", and my own won't be among the butts I bust.
You should listen to El Dave, El Dave does not play.
I suffer depression and anxiety and take Lexapro for both. But SSRI's come with an FDA warning now. they can actually CAUSE suicidal thoughts for people 24 and younger.
My best advice to you would be to consult a psychologist. After the urging of many other friends (on Myspace) and my wife, I finally went to one and the experience was not at all what I thought it would be. It was great to have somebody to speak with. Their code of ethics means that whatever you say stays private between you. And they know how people's minds work and can delve into our past and our current situations and really help us think better about ourselves.
Finally - Google "suicide" and you'll find a wealth of websites that can provide some help.
I've been suicidal since I was a child. Tried it once and the experience was so awful, I don't want to do it again. There is a difference between suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Have you ever attempted suicide? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I've said that numerous times and will probably say it again. Being suicidal doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed but don't rule depression out.
The suicidal thoughts might indicate that you want to "kill" some particular emotion - like pain - but not necessarily yourself. That's a "petit mort" or a "little death", something to kill the pain not yourself.
If you have gotten this far in this long boring comment I agree with the others - get therapy. You might have to shop around for a therapist you feel safe with and who understands suicide and suicidal behavior. I've been walking down this suicide path for so many years now that I really believe you need an empathetic therapist who is there for you and is supportive rather than judgmental.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
Wow! That's it in a nutshell.. forget about the part where you wonder whether it's really a "solution" at all, whether it is or whether it isn't, that doesn't matter, it's the permanance (permanence?) that matters.
I spent the whole of my highschool years with suicidal tendancies. My way was to party to the extreem hopeing that I would accidently die during this. Car wreck, OD, falling of a cliff, etc, I also cut myself n such. I didn't think it mattered because I figured that it didn't matter whether I was there or so who would care what I did to myself or if I died. I honestly didn't think it would effect anyone else.
Then my sister walked in on me one day desperately trying to get the bleeding to stop from the 32 cuts I put on my foot. She started crying and screamed at me "Why are you doing this?" "I justed started crying and told her "I don't know."
Then my mom saw me scratching my arm one day were some cuts were healing on my arm.(I had long sleeves on). For some reason she forced me to show her my arm. She became upset and angry, she asked (yelled)"How do you think I'm going to feel if you killyourself! I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure out were I went wrong!" "Don't you think I love you."
Point is I started seeing that I was affecting my family. That it did matter what I did. I had my head in my depressed little but that I didn't even realize that there were people around me. That actions I make hurt the ones I love. My resulting drug problem worried my mom to no end, she told me years later that she used to come in and check on me constantly while I was sleeping just to make sure I was still alive. I put my family through hell by sinking into my own.
Find the strength to pick yourself up and look at your life. There is a book 101 Tests to Know Yourself (or something like that) write the ? and answeres in a notebook, answere honestly, start taking a look at yourself, the real self that is buried in there somewhere, that person is strong not weak. Find that person and let that person take your life back from whatever psyche-draining vampire/demon has attached itself to you. Maybe you could cleanse and purify yourself of negative/dark energy. There are meditations you can do to turn dark/neg. energy into light/positive energy. These actions have turned my life around.
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