what's wrong with me?

[Itzm3]

im 16 years old, yea i know its really young to be experiencing issues and stuff. wen i was 9-12 i was sexually abused and wen i was younger my dad use to beat me and my twin brother alot! im in therapy now it was manditory for school and i've been to the pysch ward once in the hospital, where i was old i have depression and ptsd in April 09...but now i feel like im getting worse, but i dont know whats happening to me. the ptsd i feel is getting better with therapy.

i live with my 3 siblings, dad and step mom, my mom lives in a different state and i see her every other weekend. i hate living here with my dad so much. he makes me miserable, he threatens me all the time, just beating me up , and making my life miserable threats and he said he's never gonna take me to therapy again. because he thinks i talk about him and his wife... i feel so trapped here. we moved to this new town and i dont trust anyone

my dad works at the new school i go to and i feel like im being watched connstantly by the teacher or anyone in the school and so i dont talk and wen i do i look over my shoulders alot to see if anyones listening...i have no one to talk to if its not my therapist. i feel like my mind is going away, im insanely sad, then sometimes i wud get insanely hyper and i dont care if i get into trouble, which i do. i would go from bouncing off the wall, talking so fast and laughing my head off at nothing to crying so hard i made myself sick... my therapist told me to track my moods so i am on a calendar and they change alot!! it gives me headaches. i dont have voices in my head but i talk to myself all the time in there and it would give me a headache because it wont shutup.

i feel like everyone hates me, they dont want to talk to me anymore, i annoy them. i know this family here at home they hate me i know it. i feel really alone and ive been crying for the fast 3 weeks, its really bad, i feel horrible because i dont know wats wrong with me...i need help! i really do, i dont feel like myself, havent felt like myself since i was in 9th grade almost  a year and a half ago

[mammo]

I'm glad to hear that you called your therapist, and that she is calling your dad.  I too was sexually abused by my father and older brother, and stayed to care for my younger siblings, but then at 17 I was gone.  You have got to know that you did nothing wrong, and the person who did this to you is sick and will one day pay for it.  Do not allow yourself to be a victim of his any longer.  You had no power over this person, and I know it's hard, but try to accept that he is the sicko and you did nothing at all wrong.  You sound like strong girl, keep up the good work and through this site maybe we can help you get thru this horrible time in your life.  Be strong, and know you're not alone, even in your abuse.  I out of every 3 families have sexual child abuse going on, isn't that sad?
Hugs to you, and be strong.

[Itzm3]

thank you for commenting ..... i beg her to live with her and she says "o u just have one year, the skool is good over ther, blah blah blah!!!!" and so i dont get anywhere with that...the counselor at my other skool wanted me to go to foster care but i dont want to cuz they sometimes get more abused there....i will try and hold out on the cutting and stuff but its sooo hard....i called my therapist today and she said she is going to call my dad today and i will ask him tonite if i can see her  .....btw just incase i didnt make it clean i was sexually abuse by another family member, not my dad.

idk because i am a junior in high school and i dont wanna move or anything cuz its hard moving high schools and stuff  and for my siblings, i have a twin brother and my half siblings are 1 1/2 and 6 mos....but if i leave, im scared my twin bro will be lonely or we'd get separated. i ran away once from home but had to come home 5 grs later cuz i had this rly important school project.

[mammo]

I agree.  You can become emancipated from your father at 16.  This would give him no legal rights to you.  Have you tried talking to your biological mom about this?  She should be able to get you out of there and living with her.  Please stop thinking that everyone hates you, they don't, and the more you tell yourself this, the worse it will be.  You are close to being an adult, a time when you can be in complete control of your life, keep this in your mind.  Just because your dad works at your school doesn't mean everyone is or will side with him.  Have you tried speaking with your school counselor?  This would be a good place to start.  If your dad abuses you just one more time, you need to call the police immediately! They can and will get you and your siblings out of there.  Your father is a sick man, and you are suffering as a result of his treatment of you.  But you are the only one who can take that first step to improve your situation.  Tell anyone who will listen to you, and again, if your dad gets mad and abuses you, call the police.  It sounds like your therapist is not really helping you, and I would tell him that you are getting worse, not better. Plus, it is his duty to report any abuse you're enduring. You're in a very tough situation, I came from the same type of home life.  But know that great people are born out of things like this.  You will emerge a stronger, wiser person,  determined to have and live a good life. Be strong and start fighting back by talking to anyone who will listen, especially the police.  Call 1-800-for kids and tell them your story.  But the police are the first, and quickest way to get help, and you need help now.  Know that you are not at fault for any of this, you are the victim, and there is no tolerance for parents who abuse their children, but someone has to let the authorities know. Have you tried telling your mom while visiting her that you don't want to go back to his house and why?  Please be strong, for yourself.  I feel very helpless that I am not able to do more.  But I know you can, and I know you will rise above all this.  Please be strong and decide that you will fight back, that you will no longer take his abuse and take back your life.  Sixteen is young, but many of us have to sometimes grow up quickly when faced with things like this. So, start with the police, your school counselor, your mom, and the school principal.  Just start talking about this abuse until someone helps you.  

[whodunnit]

Hi,

I agree with ILAdv. Such abuse deserves reporting to the relevant authorities. Police.

Of course this is a risk for you as if they do nothing or just say it's just you then it's a worse situation isn't it? Can you get your siblings to support you and verify the problem, your father?

The other choices are not good. Like running away and where would you go to? Or getting proof of what he does. A vdeo camera or a recording would be easy to get these days. Then take it to the Police.

Whatever you do please don't let him continue doing this. He's likely to be doing it to all his kids so if you leave he'll pick on the next one more won't he.

At 16 you must ne starting to get physically capable of resisting him. Or you will soon, especially if your siblings help you to stop him.

I'm so frustrated at hearing of this and being able to do nothing to help. I wish I were there. I'd do anything to stop abuse like this, truly I would.

Your condition will only get worse while he still does this to you.

Best of luck.

[ILADVOCATE]

If you are experiencing any continuous abuse of any kind (emotional abuse is still abuse) then you need to speak to someone about it or report it so it can stop because regardless of medication or psychotherapy that will always set back someone's recovery and as well of course you shouldn't have to live with it.