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your thoughts and support please

i'll try to keep this as brief as possible; as a youth, probably around 12, I was watching some neighborhood kids and for some reason i decided to spank one of the children, hard, and got this odd feeling of power, didnt let her get out of her bed and was just plain mean to her. I felt like such a monster that since then i have feared being alone with anything i deem helpless or might depend on me.. My dad was a random hitter of my brothers and once me when i was about 15.  I have never done anything like that since but always have lived in fear of that feeling. even to the point i was afraid to be left alone with my own babies and elderly parents. I think it is some sort of passive aggresive (aggressive) tendency. I even let 2 girls beat me up without fighting back cuz i was afraid. I have never shared this with anyone but i am working on a project and wonder if anyone has experienced anything even remotely similar and if there are any thoughts on if this is anxiety related. This is so hard to even write about because I have always been afraid i am somehow crazy. Thanks for your thoughts,
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1390847 tn?1344661068
I've had similar things happen. When I was probably 8 years old, I went to a daycare and there was a little baby there.  When he was sleeping in a crib one time i went up to him and plugged his nose.  He started squirming and making funny noises...and i stopped...but i probably did that like 3 times in total.  I would plug his nose for like 10 seconds.  I feel really really weird about that now.
I also tend to really lash out at people when Im angry.  My ex boyfriend was being so mean to me one time and i got really upset and threw my cellphone at him as hard as I could and kicked him in the balls. (which is just kind of funny).  But i also tend to do things to myself...like ive punched my fist through walls before on impulse when I'm mad.
I really think this is anxiety related...maybe not the baby thing (that really freaks me out and i would never do it again) but definitly the lashing out and punching things and throwing things.  I get these surges of anger and it literally feels like there is electricity running through me and i get all this adrenaline and i completely lash out.  Only when im in stressful or not pleasant situations (situations that give me anxiety) does this really happen. Although some times I lash out out of the blue, but i usually can attribute that to inner things that freak me out that randomly come to the surface sometimes.
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1492418 tn?1289152863
thanks for responding, it does so help to not feel so alone with some of the things from the past. It really effected me forever and made me afraid of myself.. I am 47 now and very passive but it has always haunted me. I just hope for her forgiveness. I don't even know her name and would have no idea how to track her down to apologize.
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