A little confused

[silver51]

I have 2 wonderful kids and I am in a bad marriage.   My wife has avoided sexual activity for a few years.   We may have made love twice in 2 or 3 years.   I have not cheated (and I don't think she does).   We are very busy people.  Even when we have time, the answer is no.  No hugs, kisses, or intimacy either.  She refuses a counseler  I am very involved with my kids and if we split up, I can say my time with them will be reduced considerably so it would hurt to get a divorce.  My kids are everything to me and I look forward being involved with everything they do.  Recently, I think a nice young lady I met in an office environment seems to take notice of me (and I was not looking).  Some light flirting but she really "locks on to me" with her eyes at times, and seems to be waiting for me to engage her or follow up with a comment (she recently hinted she was interested in an outdoor actitivy and I took that as a hint too follow up and ask her to go out some time).  I have never worn a ring (I dont wear a watch either - phobia with any jewelry).  My wife was ok with that (My father never wore a ring either and he never strayed. Oddly, some of my friends wear rings and have affairs).  This young lady does not know I am married, and I would certainly tell her but our conversations are short and I never seem to get there.  This has gone on for about 3 weeks off and on, and I do hesitate in my conversation with her because of my situation.  I have thought about asking her to go for coffee, and then come right out and tell her I am married and take it from there.  The past few days I suspect she got a little tired of waiting and seems to avoid me ( i guess a little hard to get, or just tired of my lack of followup).  I have to say, technicaly I am wrong if I went for it.  But, I am not sure how much more I can handle in the marriage.  I have been very depressed over this for a long time with my kids keeping me going.  If I were separated or divorced I would have asked the young lady out.

[jewelscute1]

Maybe try and engage your wife on her happiness?  Or tell her that you are thinking that it is time to separate?  I think the 'girl at the office' is just an infatuation because someone is taking notice of you.  That whole situation is just a crush.  Get things worked out at home, set goals and time limits.  If your wife isn't going to contribute to your marriage, then it is over.  There must be tension in the home and I'm sure your children are picking up on it.  Consult with an attorney before doing anything crazy (in regards to your children).  Good luck.  

[Axl_0113]

Was there a sexual relationship in your marriage prior to the 2 or 3 years of no sex?  I mean- was it something that used to be there, and just diminished over time?  Or was it all of a sudden?
I would try talking to your wife about it.  Let her know that the passion in your relationship is very important to you.  If she doesn't get it, or doesn't care about the way you feel about it, then it's probably time to take a different approach.

[jo929]

I would talk with my wife first, and be truthfull and tell her that you can not go on this way, and see if it can be resolved you loved her once, and i am sure she did you, so be truthfull, and if it canr be resolved tell her you are leaving, but do not even think of an office romance unless you are divorced they never work out, and it is so cheap  luck  jo

[mami1323]

I agree with all of the above.  Affairs lead to so much more issues and unnecessary drama.  You don't have to worry about not seeing your kids if you divorce.  There are so many things that can be worked out in a divorce proceeding.  It doesn't have to mean that you see them every other weekend.  You can negotiate joint custody or work out an agreement that works for you both.  That is the least of your worries, focus on finding out what's going on with your wife.  I would also suggest maybe some couples counseling to get the bottom of the issues and perhaps to get some ideas on how to get the spark back.  Good luck.