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AM I ready for divorce?
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AM I ready for divorce?

Hi.  I'm 34 years old and have known my husband for over 20 years.  We've been together in a very rocky relationship for over 7, had a bay in Sept of last year and finally got married in January of 07'.  It hasn't even been a year yet.
I odn't know what my wuestion is bt here is the situation.  Before I had my DD, I was a full time paralegal, making great money.  Now I'm a housewife.  I hate being a housewife.  I love being a stay at home mom but the housewife part, well, not so much.
I don;t feel particularly attrated to my husband anymore.  I don;t even know how much I actually like him.  We have had th same argument for the last 7 years.  He is, in my opinion, a selfish jerk most times and alawys has been.  If I told you storis about how he treated me during my pregnancy you wouldn't even believe it but even after that I stayed hoping to make a family.  Now we've had great times, we have been great friends in the past.  No one makes me laugh like him and I can be myself around him all the time BUT I don't ever want to have sex and that's not fair to him either.
Heis a shitt father.  He barely spends time with our 14 month old little girl which I cannot understand.  He laims he's so tired from working but I work 24 hours a day and I still do what I have to do and I still would rather spend time with her than actually sleep.  
We're fighting like cats and dogs lately.  Maybe all my past resentment is catching up to me.  I have broken up with him in the pst but no while we've been married and have always found myself wanting him back.  Maybe I'm wanting him back beacuse it's familiar and I don't want to start over with someone else.  I sure don;t want to do that now that we have a child as I don't want him bringing some other woman around my daughter but is that why I am condisering staying?  
I mean, we are separated now.  I'm back at my mother's.  I want to be home in MY apt but I decided to leave beacuse the fighting is just horrendous for her to see.
I guess I have to decide if I am really ready to make a decision based on things I know to be true.  I know he i a bad father.  He claims he loves her and I don;t doubt he does but he ertainly doesn't KNOW her and doesn't know anything about taking care of her.  I am comfortable with him and am scared of starting over and have no real marrital role models so I don't ever see myself making this level of commitment again.  But am I ready to go.  He says he will do counseling but do people really cahnge that much?
We are so differnt in out interests and upbringin and we don't agree on anything about reaising her.
I feel though if I left, I mean really left that I would have to give up more than I would have to suck if if I stayed.  I would see her less because I woldh ave to return to work full time.  I would have to share her with him and have even less time with her and what about hoidays and stuff.... he hates them.  He barely participates now but I have a feeling he would want to pretend to like them just so he would be able to take some away from me.
I don't want to go to court over this.......
He makes good money so I'm hoping support wll not be an issue but he an be very cruel with is words and actions and very vindictive as well.
Sigh... I'm so confused.  Do I still love him and are we just having a bad patch?  He helps me never so I am feeling physically and mentally exhausted.  Every time I've ever needed him in the last 7 years he has failed me.  Why am I holding on to a man like that?  Why is my need to be right overwhelming my need for peace?  AM I expecting himto say "You're right, I'm a ****, I will change everything about my personality?"  I mean come on.......
God, I'm confused.  I don;t want to divorce and then decide that I made a mistake but how could that be possible??  If I felt that way it would just be out of lonliness and being scared right?
I mean I moved out on Tues and he came over tonight to se her and of course, we fought and he was holding her and he calld me a f-ing miserable B.  Then he said he was leaving.  He was walking out the door when I reminded him to say goodbye to his daughter.... what kind of man is that?  We live across the street froma park and she is 14 months old and he has never taken her there.  He has watched her a total of 3 times in a over a year and for no more than 3 hours yet his social life is fine.............  
Does anyone relate?
PS, I'm NO picnic.... BUT I am spent.  I cannot give anything else to this man.  He thinks all that he has to o to be a father and a husband is go to work and I think there is more to it than that.  Isn't there?
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-7 Comments Post a Comment
198506 tn?1251160515
I feel for you, I really do.  From what you describe your husband sounds very immature.  Having said that I will also say that unless abuse is involved I am a huge advocate of trying everything possible to avoid divorce when children are involed.  I know that is not always possible.  Even in the most stable and loving marriages, the arrival of children can be extremely stressful and overwhelming.  I've walked in your shoes, I know how thankless and completely exhausting the job of a stay-at-home Mom can be.  I've been a SAHM for 14 years.  I hate how mundane it can be, I miss the stimulation my former job provided.  I do not regret my decision though, I enjoy my children immensly, I get to drop them off at school and pick them up.  When they were little I saw every milestone they reached, I missed nothing.  My husband works in another state (we live in PA and he works in NY) so he wasn't able to provide much help with the kids.  In addition he felt jealous of the attention I took from him because of the girls' needs, there is only so much energy a person has and by the end of the day I was shot, I didn't want another living thing to put a hand on me and ask for anything so our sex life suffered.  My solution was to tell my husband in a nice way, no resentment, no eye-rolling that I needed help.  I was very specific with what I needed him to do.  Please would you give the baby a bath for me.  How about if you take her for a walk while I fold the laundry, so forth and so on.  He happily started to help out and he got the bonus of bonding with his daughters.  I honestly feel that men sometimes just don't know what to do and are happy for any instruction their wives give as long as it's not delivered in a nasty way.  Another suggestion I would make is for you to write down on a sheet of paper all the things that bug you about your husband and right next to that all the things that you love about him or the ways in the past that he has supported you.  Maybe you are just so caught up in the pressures of today that you forget his good qualities and his not so good qualities are exaggerated.  One last suggestion.  Perhaps your husband's attitude toward you is in reaction to the way you speak to him.  Try being kind even when you feel like going postal on him, even when you have every right to be angry and see if that limits the fights between you.  Good luck to you in whatever you decide.    
147172 tn?1226761778
I really appreciate your answer and I totally agree on so many points.
One is the whole divorce thing when children are involved.  I WILL do everything I can not to get a divorce.  I don't really want one but I don't want this to continue.  I love him, being IN love, well that might be different.  He's done many MANY things to hurt me over the years and I have let most of it go, and started new because I am 5 years sober and AA taught me that it's more important to worry about what YOU'RE doing and to want peace over being right, however, this is so extreme I cannot even be in the same  room with him without wanting to absolutely kill him.
He was just here and passed some snide remark and I asked him NOT to say what he feels like saying and can we please have a nie day with the baby and he said something to the effect of "I don't P{AY to live at home" since I mentioned that I haven't been paying my mother anything for crashing here and I went crazy in my head but calmly said to him that I was so DONE.  ANd I really meant it.
Maybe we just need some time apart.  As he was leaving he was crying as he held our daughter and I KNOW he loves her but we are 2 different people not to mention the fact that men and women are inherently different as far as species go.  
I would like to quote you here:

"In addition he felt jealous of the attention I took from him because of the girls' needs, there is only so much energy a person has and by the end of the day I was shot, I didn't want another living thing to put a hand on me and ask for anything so our sex life suffered.  My solution was to tell my husband in a nice way, no resentment, no eye-rolling that I needed help.  I was very specific with what I needed him to do.  Please would you give the baby a bath for me.  How about if you take her for a walk while I fold the laundry, so forth and so on.  He happily started to help out and he got the bonus of bonding with his daughters.  I honestly feel that men sometimes just don't know what to do and are happy for any instruction their wives give as long as it's not delivered in a nasty way. "

I agree complerely and I have tried that but it doesn't seem to work.  
We decided on therapy for a little while as I continue to live outside our home.  Maybe it can help me decide if ther eis anything worth saving.  I must say though, that although he uses money as a threat, even in my agriest moment, I have NEVER threatened to keep our daughter from her, not once so as long as I can continue to do that right, I feel I am being the better person.
I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be miserable anymore either. And I most certainly do not want her to grow up around constant fighting.

Anyway, thanks.  I just have to remember my first priority and that is HER happiness and well-being.  Breaking up, separating, divorce, it's all ugly but the kids shouldn'thave to suffer because the grown ups can't get it together right?
198506 tn?1251160515
You sound like a very strong woman who has a good head on her shoulders.  Whatever the outcome you will be fine.  I think you are doing all the right things.  Living outside the house will ease some of the tension.  Counseling will provide a safe environment to get the issues out.  When another adult is present in the room fighting couples are more likely to be on their best behavior.  Your husband needs to learn that the way he treats you affects his daughter greatly.  If he thinks it's okay to curse and call you names then your daughter will come to see that as acceptable treatement.  If you do end up divorcing you will always know that you gave it your best try and you should never feel guilty if it comes to that.  I know far too many woman who felt guilty or felt threatened that their ex would take their children and they really allowed themselves to get unfair divorce settlements.  I wish you the best.    
Avatar n tn
My wife and I spent 20 years in a marriage for the sake of our son when we should not have. My son witnessed terrible arguments and now has a terrible temper like his mother.

If you do not want to have sex with your husband you should look at that. Is he physically unattractive? Is it the unresolved issues and resentments that block you from opening up and being vulnerable to him? Is it actually just not there and likely will never be. Sex is a big part of marriage. I actually faked sex with my wife, thinking about someone else to achieve excitation. All of our unresolved problems and her lack of taking care of herself make it difficult for me to get excited with her.

I am sure you are probably as much to blame for your marital issues as your husband but that is "water under the bridge". Men , unless they have to, are just not as child-oriented....maybe your husband grew up in the "old-style" family where the father husband was numero uno and kids came second.Maybe that is his ingrained model. I am not making excuses...my son was always numero uno to me and my wife and as a consequence we did not put into our relationship what we should have. We are now getting a divorce....I would advise you ,,,and this is only something to think about:

do you really want to invest the next 10 years in a relationship where there is every likelihood you will not be happy?

do you want to expose your daughter to the strife?

If you break-up now I think your daughter is still young enough to get acclimatized to the change but in a year or 2 it would probably have more serious impacts.talk to a professional about this.

have you heard the expression "7 year itch"?...is this what is happening or are you really a 20-year couple that has reached its limits?

don't get caught up in the security thing....I learned to be comfortable in a bad marriage and as a consequence my expectations were very limited. It is like the story:

an immigrant traveling from Italy to the USA in 1910 barely had enough money for his ticket. once a day he would eat his crackers as dinner because that was all the food he had. he would hear the other passengers in the ship's dining hall eating and making merry. he would hear them talking about how good the dinners were and how full they were and he would wish he could afford to eat in the dining room with the other passengers, finally one day another passenger saw him eating his crackers and said "My man...why are you out here in the cold eating crackers and not in the warm dining room enjoying good food"?

the passenger answered: "I barely had money for the ticket...I could not afford the dining room."

the other passenger answered him: "why don't you know the dining room and the meals are part of the ticket! there is no reason for you to be out here in the cold eating crackers!. You have already paid for the dining priveleges!".

moral: we all have a right to happiness in life but if you have been beaten down too far your expectations become distorted and you accept and feel you deserve less when actually just the state of living is offering that warm dining room with good food. don't be like that passenger (or me) and become accustomed to accepting unhappiness and less of joy, love and life. if you can achieve those in your marriage as many do then stay married. if you can't as many can't than get out. only you can decide.

Avatar n tn
I think it is you that needs some outside support, guidance and counsel.  You need to like yourself again.  Motherhood and being a housewife is a great gift and you have a reponsibility to do the best you can because that is your job.

Someone quick to use "blame and shame" as their method of handling situations is in a cycle of codependency or dysfunction.  Instead of blaming him for everything, you need to fix yourself.  When you do, there will be a better foundation for happiness.

Often people use "divorce" for the bandaid solution.  What they are really saying is "I want things to change"  "things don't feel right"  "I don't think we are living our best".  If that is the case the path is to look for the things that need to change in the way both of you are doing life.  The path is to figure out what doesn't feel "right" and to work as a team to figure out what "right" would look like.  Maybe you have no model of "right" in your upbringings.  Maybe you need a mentor.

You would be wise to look at what your best life would look like.  Spend some time dreaming.  Then figure out how to make it happen.  Try acting peaceful and loving for 10 days.  Don't argue. If he starts to, shut up.  Arguing back only puts fuel on the fire.  Someone - usually the more mature in a relationship - stops and says, "This isn't acceptable, I'm not going to participate".

What is the payoff of arguing anyhow?  Two people end up miserable and confused.

If you don't do anything to fix yourself, you will move on live a lonely life alone, or meet up with someone else and do exactly the same as you're doing now.  No, divorce isn't always the answer.
Avatar f tn
Are you asking our permission to get a divorce?  Yes.   Do you think things will change and get better?   No.  7 years is more than a bad patch. You say you don't want to go to court. Will guess what, if you want to change your life file for divorce and move one like everyone else. Who said getting a divorce is easy? It's very hard.

Consult a lawyer and see what your options are. They don't come cheep, but under your circumstances your husband should have to pay your lawyers fees along with his own.

Make a plan to start your life over. Where are you going to live? Who will care for your child when you go back to work? You get the idea. You have options. Your still young enough to make a good life for yourself. Don't waste anymore time. It's the one thing we can't buy.

177641 tn?1189759437
girlybuff, everyone here has given you great advice. I just wanted to add that it sounds like you and your husband have known each other so long that you two don't even recognize the bad patterns of behavior you are in. These behaviors comes from years of bad habits that reinforce themselves. I think before you and your husband can get anywhere in your relationship, you need to talk to a counsellor (either separately or together) to work on yourselves. I agree with the previous posters - YOU need to be happy with yourself first (your partner is not supposed to fix that for you).

Once you two can calm down and rationalize through your feelings, it will be a lot easier to communicate and the rest will just be details. But the fact that you two can't be in the same room together without steaming tells me you both need to work on your anger management. It doesn't mean that you're bad people, but it does mean you're digging yourself deeper in deconstructive habits. You two will need to dig yourselves out, and like any normal person, you'll need help. Good luck.
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