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Boyfriend won't stop talking with his ex wife

Hi... I've never really posted here before, but read a few of the comments on similar topics and figured I would ask for some help. My boyfriend and I are engaged. He is 39 and I am 25. His ex wife is 53. I know, we have strange age differences.

Anyhow, He and his ex wife divorced about 2 and a half years ago, but I met him during the divorce. We started seeing each other and it really worked out between us. He is certainly the man of my dreams, and he tells me I am the woman of his. Anyhow, his ex-wife has two children both of which are not his. However, he has always been father to her second since they were married when he was only 5 years old. He is the only real father her son has had since his real father was an affair of hers and her first husband, not my fiance, divorced her because she got pregnant from her lover.

I suppose I will call him their mutual son because that is what they agreed on. He is 18 years old now and they claim to talk to one another so much because of the son. He is 18 years old though and in college. Additionally, he is in Greece. If he needs to know about his son he could call him and vice versa. And they do. His ex and he don't really have much to say to each other but when they talk they are on the phone for 45 minutes to an hour. It is really disturbing to me. During their divorce they would fight every day on the phone. When we moved in together it was much of the same.

Now, after two years, the fights have stopped, but now she just calls to say hello or to invite him places. It is just really disturbing to me. I can be more specific about things if needed. I just want some advice. My boyfriend and I both know she has serious boundary problems, but he doesn't seem to make an effort to push her away. She has tried dating, but her boyfriends leave her because of her rage issues, which is one reason my boyfriend and her divorced. I just don't want to turn around and see her everywhere I go. I don't mind her, but I feel like she is acting like a second wife to my fiance. She calls him to wish him luck on important meetings and trips etc. I am just very uncomfortable with it. I feel strange talking to her as well because she is as old as my mother. I just need some help, advice, etc. Am I being to selfish? I don't know... I have never been in this situation before. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Avatar universal
If there's a child who is effectively his son, then he's always going to have to be in contact with his ex because of that. The best thing for that kid is if they can remain on good terms, and you have to respect that.

The best possible outcome from a divorce is for the ex-couple to be good friends. It's not a bad thing if she calls to wish him luck any more than if another friend of his did.

That said, if you feel like she's still holding on to him in a romantic way, you need to gently but firmly assert yourself.

If she's inviting him places where it's just the two of them going, talk to him about how that makes you feel. Remind him that you're part of his life and have a specific role as his partner. Tell him that going on "dates" with his ex is inappropriate just as it would be if he went on them with any other woman.

Just remember that the child is going to be a big priority to him, so be very careful not to appear to be coming between him and his kid.
Helpful - 0
400885 tn?1297698918
Wow she totally needs to back off a bit. I can see how this would be uncomfortable for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your advice. It is very frustrating for me as well. Your advice has helped out so much. Well, yesterday she hated the place we chose, she hated the food, and today she claims to be sick from it. Everyone else is fine. I think she just wanted attention. She called and asked my fiancé to give her a ride to the doctor's office even though she knows he is swamped with work. I offered to take her. I don't think she will like that, but if she has to ask him she is going to get me instead because my fiancé is just way too busy. I hope it goes well. Thank you all again.
Helpful - 0
484465 tn?1532214032
This is frustrating for me and Im not even the one living it!  Like I said, if he refuses, you know she's HERE to stay and will remain too close for comfort.  If that's fine with you (meaning you are not leaving), you may discover that she is a somewhat lonely woman and maybe quite "spacey" when it comes to acknowledging boundaries in you and your fiance's relationship.  You dont always hear about it, but there are many divorced couples that are close.  You wouldnt be the first person to live this way.  If he says he loves you 100% and you believe him, then you must be willing to accept the place in his heart and in his life that he has for you
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Avatar universal
I talked to him about it and he was pretty upset. He was upset because he wants me to know I am the only one for him, but I think he is missing the point. I don't think anything is going on between them, I just don't want her in our lives as much and it makes me uncomfortable when she intrudes like that. I think they both have boundary issues to be honest. He doesn't know when to just say no to her and she doesn't know when to stay away. It's difficult... How do you make people like this understand. He can't seem to fathom it when I explain it. He thinks I mean not to talk to her at all. I just ask him to keep it on a parental relationship for their son. We are socializing with her tomorrow now. She called 5 times yesterday and e-mailed a few others all within the same 2 minutes until we picked up. She wanted us to go to dinner with her because she was bored NOW! I told him it was unacceptable. If we are going somewhere we need to be given advanced notice. We aren't teenagers for crying out loud. I don't know what makes her comfortable enough to call that many times to a house that isn't hers to a man that isn't her husband anymore. I don't think he will set up those boundaries.
Helpful - 0
484465 tn?1532214032
To me, this isnt about this lady at all.  This is about your fiance.  Why does she feel comfortable enough to invite him places?  Why does she know of his important meeting and trips?  He's talking to her in a close  and personal way that I wouldnt appreciate in your position.  I find it unacceptable.  
I would talk to him about the closeness they're exhibiting and tell him I would feel more comfortable with just a partnership/parenting connection between the two of them.  He can control the closeness of their relationship.  He doesnt have to answer e-mails or phone calls that dont pertain to their son.  If he refuses, gets upset, or changes nothing you'll then know that they are too close for comfort and if you make a decision to remain in each others lives, she'll always be right there, too close for comfort.  Good luck with it
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for your comment mayflowers. I have suspected the same for a while. I have a feeling it is a bit of guilt and obligation to her. She does not seem to be moving on, and he has let me know he feels bad about leaving her because of her age. However, she is a very abusive and dependent lady. Essentially, she will be verbally vicious to her friends and family, but everyone loves her if you do not have a close relationship with her. She has called him, their son, her daughter and I very horrible names, but that seems to be ok now with everyone. I am not ok with it. They just brush it off as being her personality, but I just don't like it. I don't think anyone would. Their divorce was quite bitter. I am just very surprised he has come around full circle after such a horrible time. I am glad he is at peace, but I don't think I can live with her in my life forever. I could if she was a woman I could trust, but she is very narcissistic. Any time all of us do anything it turns into drama. I just don't think I want to be part of this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He and his ex-wife must have some kind of connection that you can't see.  Sometimes that happens with ppl.  She still has a hold over him, or he is letting her have a hold over him, can't tell which one it is.  

You just need to decide if you want this woman in your life, b/c from the sound of it, she will be there for a while longer.
Helpful - 0

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