Breakup 'due to illness'

[daisy9]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences- somehow that would make it less painful, I guess... I have been chronically ill with a variety of health problems including autoimmune, disgestive disorders, and endometriosis- I have constant problems, and I take a TON od meds, all of which have side effects of course.  My partner and I got together about 6 months before these health problems emerged, but of course, when they hit- they all came at once, and it's been a roller coaster of pain, illness, testing, medication adjustment, correct and incorrect diagnoses- all of which led to my losing my job and having to quit school.

My partner always seemed very supportive, but then suddenly, and out-of the blue, after nearly 3 years- after planning to get married (and making health insurance decisions based on this plan), becoming part of my family, constantly reassuring me that he would stay with me, he said he's out- can't deal with it anymore.  He said I could handle it if ended up in a wheel chair, but not my depression, anxiety, and mood swings.  i convinced him to keep trying for a little longer, but I feel like the writing's already on the wall...

Now I recently have a new diagnosis, celiac disease- and it's kind of exciting because I might get a lot better in many areas of my body.  And knowing that I haven't been getting nutrients from food for some time, means that I should experience a big boost in my overall health when i go gluten-free and start absorbing nutrients again.

So now, he said he couldn't be with me before- but now he thinks that since I might improve so much, that it might work out.  I don't think I can handle the pressure of being with someone who will only stay if I get well- my health track record sucks, I might get well *enough* but what if I don't?  

And sick and non-functional as I am, I don't feel great about entering the dating pool again- I'm not much of a 'catch' anymore.  So, I don't know...certainly he isn't someone I should marry- he's proven he can't handle that 'in sickness and in health' stuff.  But I don't want to be alone... I HATE being sick.

[ILLDAD39]

I am a man with many helth issues Fibromyalga,high bp,diabetic,neurologic issues,ruptured disk's,astma/copd O and on top of that my Dad has a form of demintia that is killing him by makeing him for get how to chew or swallow and I am an only child so he only has my Mom and I to keep him safe and healthy for the little time he has. So after 11yrs of Marriage and the last 5/6 with me gettin Sick and in cronic PAIN not working for almost 3yrs now becase I'm in and out of the Hsptl every Mnth or so and I have a hard time walkin and several dibilitating Migrains a Mnth so even if I get a job I will get let go after a couple weeks for missing Work. So my Wife is the only 1 working to pay all the bill's for us and our 3 Boys I am tryin to get Dissabality but that takes forever. My wife has some minor pain in her side several times every week but not bad enuf that she wants to take any pain meds only a few times a Mnth and then Otc meds do the job for her and she wants to say that if she can work in pain all the time I should be able to as whell and I have tryed to tell her my pain in so bad that I can't get up some times and my fatiege is so bad that I can't keep myself awake. I meen she has herd the Dr.'s say this is cronic and life long and also seen the semptoms like swelling and dark under eye bags ect. But she knowing all this she now says she just doesn't understand why I can't just deal and go work and it just can't be that bad I thought I knew her after almost 13ysr of knowing her but now I just don't feel like I know her at all.She is from South America so when she decided to stay in the US to see how our relationship was progressing and couldent work while we waited several Months on her work Visa that I payed for to be approved I worked 2 jobs to pay our bills and have money for enertainment ect. And when she was pregnant 2 jobs again for baby stuff then with the 2nd pregnacy she had to stop workin and take it easy so back to 2jobs. Now I am unable to do much and I already feel like a leach on my Family and a terable Dad I haven't taken my kids hicking or Camping in almost 4yrs and I. Love that kind of stuff and so do my boys I don't know hoow to make her getit or if I should just get a divorce so she doesn't have me dragin her down I can see her gettin more resentfull and depressed. I wish I would get disabality and medicade so the Dr.'s could maybe find a way to make me well enuff to be able to help more around the the house or even better go back to work.

[slickrick555]

This person obviously has h.s.p., is a highly sensitive person. This will get then on the right track.

[overopiates]

Hey sweetie.this is a very old post.U should start a new thread to get some opinions.I'm sorry that your dealing with a break up especially under these circumstances.I can only think he doesn't want to burden u w/his medical problem.It's a very selfish thing to shut u out.HE HAS NO IDEA how lucky he is to have someone who is not only  willing but wants to b there4him.Ur best bet is leave a message of some sort letting him know u love him,want2b there for him.Then leave the ball n his court.That being said u r not sick,not.the fool who broke off the relationship.Ur the kind who will b there through good times and bad.After u have time to move on a bit get back out there don't feel bad4wanting2b happy&u really deserve it.Good luck.I will b more than ok.U will great&find some1who really deserves u&all ur loyalty

[isisnotforkee]

My boyfriend and I were very much in love but he broke up with me after he was diagnosed with a degenerative condition. He basically started isolating me from his life. He said the break-up is the right thing as he has a lot to do before his condition takes over his life especially his children.
So sometimes, even though the healthy partner wants to, a break-up is inevitable if the person with the illness cannot get past it.

[jimgreg]

im a man..but have same problem,s as you do..me and my women met online the dating services pof..we were still together after 16 monthes..when i mert her i let her know i had medical issues..and before we go together i wasent doing all that bad alone,but i was married 21 yrs and thought that i could try the long haul again,my x left me for another..anways she asked me to move in with her after the 1st month of being together..and i did..so time went on..then she was wanting to argue alot..were im not into that..i did all the housework wile she was on the 40 hr week thing..im on dissabilty for bipoalar..and got high bloo p,and sleep apnea,and on pain meds for chronic knee pain..and sciatic pain in lower back..im on all kinds of meds also..then in june 23rd she got temp custody of her 2 grakids..so i was getting les and less attn from her..im not a sewfish person..but people have 4 kids and make time for there spouse..she hasent left me yet..but in do time..shes like i been trying to get you to go places for over a yr..well if she had what i have her life wouldnt be what it is now..i asked her to research on my problems..she did about 30 min..but she hasent left..i had to move out from her cuz all the kin that shes got there.i never left her though..were only 10 min away from each other..

i know this is alittle difft then ur story..but its almost for the same reasons,,shes like not wanting to even talk that much on the phone or come to my place or anything..BUT I REALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND BELIVE ME YOU..UR NOT ALONE..I WISHED I HAD A ANSWER FOR THE BOTH OF US..I KNOW THAT UR HURTING..WERE THE KIND OF PEOLE THAT NEED TOP BE TOGETHER..AND TO BE LOVED FROM SOMEONE WHOS GOT ILLNESES!!   IF SOMETHING DOES HAPPEN BETWEEN ME AND HER..I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST GIVE UP ON FEMALES..BUT IM ONLY GOING TO START AGAIN.

CUZ THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS LIKE ME AND YOU THAT WERE WE COULD HELP EACH OTHER AND ALWAYS KNOW WHAT EACH OTHERES NEEDS ARE..YOU GET WHAT IM SYING TO YOU??!! ..so if something happens to ur spouse dont give up..cuz there will be someone that will want to be with you..im realy hurt myself cuz people that dont understand us more less lable us..and then go on as if nothing was ever there..my 1st wife left me cuz i drank wayyy to much..but i wasent bad to her..she just got tired of seeing a man with a beer in his hands..i havent drank for 5 yrs..were still friends..shes the mother of all my kids..THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE THATY HAS PROBLEMS EVEN IF THEY DONT HAVE...CUZ THERE JUST ARTE GOOD PEOPLE ALL AROUND..THE PROBLEM STANDS THOUGH YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GET A BAD ONE OR TWO BEFORE YOU GET THE RIGHT ONE...

SO PLEASE  DONT GET URSELF UPSET NO MORE  THAN YOU HAVE TOO!!!!!!  IF YOU WANT TO FUTHER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING FEEL FREE  TO MESSAGE ME...YOU TAKE GOOD CAR OF URSELF......I MEAN  IT!!!!!!!!!!!!  UR NEW FRIEND JAMES

[iam1butterfly]

So, he's there when you're well; and, "he's out" when you're not well. It is this man who is not a "catch." Consider what you have discovered about this person to be a valuable learning experiance... and, move on!

[stephypoo99]

I couldn't resist responding to your post. I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and married for 6 months. I write this from a hotel room seeing as though I left home for a break from her.

You see there are two sides to every situation. My wife has Multiple sclerosis on top of depression and anger issues. I have been there for her through so much. When she is on medical I am the sole income in the home. What made me want to respond was the statement you made about us not having the actual health problems. While that may be true, it doesn't mean we are immune to the effects. I know personally I have become depressed myself in dealing with what she has dealth to me. She out of nowhere says that she doesn't love me (thus, the hotel room). While there are other dysfunctions in our relationship, I know that her MS is one of them. After confiding in some friends they asked if she was doing this because she doesn't want me to see her demise (for a lack of a better word). When I confronted her about that, the only think she could muster was, "Your friends suck," and then started to cry. Her wall went up and she was done talkin.

So now, how is it that she can push me away when I know she loves me and I am here in this hotel with 100% commitment to her and her disease? Why push me away? Other people, like those spoken previously, would run away if someone was chonic, and yet I am getting pushed away even though I want in?

It ***** breaking up a few days before Valentine's doesn't it? :(

[Valequa]

I understand exactly what you're going through.  My boyfriendbroke up with me on yesterday~ 4 days before Valentine's day and 10 days before what would've been our 3 year anniversary.  I have severe migraines, which have caused me to lose a lot of weight and drop down to about ninety one pounds from one hundred and ten in about one and a half months. It hurts because I remember when I could manage my health and was a healthy person, athletic, and could deal with migraines. Now, I am afraid to drive, I blackout and miss class, and am alone with no family support.  I thought that my boyfriend wanted to marry me as well because that was the plan, after I finish undergrad and before I begin medical school.

What I really don't understand is why is it that they feel that it's too much for them to handle when we're the ones who have to deal with the health issues? It seems to me that we're constantly trying to get well, taking meds and listening to doctors, forcing ourselves to eat, finding something positive when we feel that our world is falling apart and all we really need is a shoulder to cry on and for our boyfriend and most trusted confidant to believe in us and reassure us that everything will be alright.  It hurt, because I feel hopeless about school and life at this point.  I have to sit out another semester, but I want to know what's  wrong.

I really just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I also wanted to tell you that you are strong and that you will get through this, with or without him and that you are loved.  This will make you stronger, just don't give up. Something great is going to happen! I don't know you, but I feel your pain and frustration and I know how important school and life are to you, but all great things come in time. Just be strong and have faith in yourself, even when others don't. Much love!

[tuareg]

I have been the caregiver to my boyfriend of one year during his surgery and cancer treatment for the last 4 months..... all was well until the last month, he has been so negative, rude and self centered, I find it difficult to take. I have tried to talk with him about all this and he " has nothing to say" he has left my home today to finish his recovery alone from his own home. I have taken tons of time off work and all else that goes with caregiving and happily until he became so negative. Just because you are ill does not mean you can abuse those around you.... the other side of the coin

[becks715]

You have enough on your plate to deal with - why are you adding the worry and stress that if you don't stay somewhat healthy your boyfriend will leave?  That's pathetic (he is).  I get it if he couldn't handle it he should have got out before, not told you all you wanted to hear and then renigg.  

I understand for him it's probably stressful to deal with but HELLO it is for you too!  He can't or won't stay around for "in sickness and in health" and I'm glad you realize that.  The fear of being alone is stong I understand, that is totally natural but you have family and friends and people to lean on you are not alone.  

There is someone for everyone  I think , sometimes it just takes longer for people to find that person than others.  If it were me I'd tell him where to stick it and that I didn't need his "threats" of leaving on top of everything else you have to deal with.  It's just as hard for you, probably harder as you are the one suffering physically and emotionally.  As he is only suffering emotionally.  

Cut your losses, work on yourself and focus on your health without worry of him leaving if you decline physically one day or another.

[Mommy3Girls]

Hi Daisy,

I agree with mayflowers. If he is saying it now, then he wont stick around if you dont get better. I know it is hard to be alone, but you have family and friends too, right? Lean on them for support, and happiness. All this struggle with him is going to do is stress you out more and make it harder for you to concentrate on your health and getting better. Do it for you, not for him.

[mayflowers]

Maybe right now you need to concentrate on getting well and not on a relationship. As you said, if your bf wants to leave you when you are dealing with so much, maybe he is not a good man for you.  It's probably a blessing in disquise.  Don't worry about getting back into the dating pool.  It's always good to take some "alone" time after a relationship ends to reflect on what you really want out of life.  You can do it.  You had one boyfriend, you can get another.  I hope the new dx helps you out.   Look for new treatments too.  Maybe try a good nutritionist who can help you eat right and feed you body with good food.  I wish all the best and  I know things will work out for you.  God Bless!