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Brocken down

This is so very difficult to even share with anyone. After so many yers of managing and juggling all problems say on my on, without anybody's help, I am having no more strenght to goo on and the only reason I still find strenght to fight and go on are mt children. I have twoo sons with my husband 9 and 2 and they are my only reason to go on. I have made a decision, that I am going to talk to my husband and I am going t ask him for us o separate and eventually divorce. This was never my plan. And Ii am one of those people who are trying everything else before they mak such a decision. But, for the 13 years of life together, now I am at a point when I just cant go like this anymore. I believe families should talk and resolve problems together. However, every attempt to discuss anything of value to me, turns in the next minute to not important subject and there is my husband talking about something totaly different. In the last year my husband start showing very impulsive behavour. Now h is Ok and next minute he is swearing, using abusive words and shouting in the fron of the kids and me. He never hit me so far. But now on two ocassions he threw a bottle of wather at me and a pack full of apple juice. Now I am becoming scared, for m and the kids, and although he loves his children, I don't believe, he is good example for them anymore. He tells me to shut up so he does not get angry, but most of the time I spend my days in silence and I catch myself talking to myself things, I would like too tell me. Our both children love him, but are also scared of him.
As I know, he will never listen to me and what I have to say, I am in process of writing a very long letter and let him know how I really feel. I am really scared how he will react too this , but I have made my mind and there is no return. I just don't know how I will cope with everything on my own, but even so I do everyhting on my own, so there is possibly my worry that there is no one supporting m mentaly and emotionaly. Our older child has been also diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Deffiance Disorder and my husband shows no understanding about it. He says "there is no such thing and he needs a good slap round the year and a discipline" But , our child goes to a special school where to teach him how to deal with his condition and We should show him best support at home and work together with al the strategies in place. However, when I say something my husband says the opposite and is confusing the situation instead of supporting me. This way he confusing the kids, our older son start manipulating the situation and the little one has got the totally wrong example.
I think this is quite a lot for beginning, although is very little from our real situation.
But, I will appreciate any word of advice.
Thank you in advance.
3 Comments Post a Comment
973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  I'm often on the side of parents trying to work it out and stay together when there are kids but what you've written is a perfect example of when I don't think that is a good idea.  Too volatile, too detrimental to the kids.  

Yes, I agree that you must leave.  Do NOT write him a letter ahead of time though.  Hot tempered people like that don't take well to someone leaving them.  Find out where you are going to go and be prepared to leave the day you tell him.  Then lay it out with someone else there (preferably your dad or a brother or something like that) and tell him that he is abusive and your done.  Your kids need a peaceful home and this isn't it and he is not a role model you want your kids exposed to.

Does he drink sweetie?  

anyway, yes, I think it is the best thing to seperate from him and sooner rather than later.  But be safe about it.  And, I'd clearly document his abuse both in words and actions and threats so that he has limited custody of the kids if any.  

peace and good luck and we are here any time you need support.  
Avatar f tn
Hi Specialmom,
Thank you so very much for your reply. You just gave me more strenght and confirmed my worries.
No, my husband does not drink, but he has became more like this as his health deteroated in the last year, with his high blood pressure, diabetes tipe2, osteo-artritis in both hips, he has became kind of half disabled and had to stop working. He was for years long  in the army and he tends to treat me and the kids kind of more millitary way, although I am a Child Care Assessor and I keep on explaining that kids can not be trated that way. He does not take any notice, but says that is "loads of rubish" and I am week and I have no idea what I am talking about. He likes to have control over the situation and although he sais one thing he shows different.
You may be very right about not giving him any letter before we are ready to go.As he is hot tempered and to be honest I don't know really how he will react to my letter. To be honest I am scared for our safety, as it maybe for nothing, but who knows...he can be so cold sometimes, I really don't know how he will react to the news. Unfortunatelly, I have no family around and all I can do is organise things myself. And is really hard going with our older son. He is really now manipulating the situation for the best posible outcome he could have and puts more presure to it that way.
My biggest worry is that he might provoke me so much that I say something he does not like and I might have to grab the kids and walk out, in which case we might be just placed in woman's refuge anywhere in the country for a period of time, and that itself  presents its problem as our older son goes to a special school he needs, and in that case it would not be available to him.
To be honest, I am scared...I did make my mind, but I know how hard will be to achieve it, and I know how hard will be the coming few months for me and the kids.
I pray just that he have more understabding  when I explain that there is no tomorrow for our relationship any longer.   I do thank you so much for your time.
134578 tn?1463413330
You are in a spot because of your son's school, your husband will know where to get at you if he wants to.

I second, strongly, the notion that you should not write him a letter.  This is all he needs to know, "I am afraid of you and the children are afraid of you.  We are leaving."

Talk to your lawyer beforehand, and see if there is any way to arrange some security for you the day you do leave.  

Don't bother to write him a long letter telling him how you feel, I really mean it.  All he will do is try to refute it point by point, and you will be dragged into an endless argument about whether your feelings are valid.  Don't waste your time defending yourself from his judgement, he has to understand that whatever your feelings are, they are valid enough for you to leave.  Don't defend, just go.

I am so sorry.  Are you in the U.K.?  What kind of social services do they have there for women as isolated as you are?

I would also talk with your son's school and find out if there are others like it where he might be able to be enrolled.
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