My husband was in prison for 14 yrs. He has been out 15 yrs and we have been together 4 years. The problem started with him not wanting to have sex with me and finally going to the sofa to sleep. He said he just wasn't interested in sex anymore at all with no one! Recently I was informed by a gay coworker that my husband was on two gay dating sites! So I looked them up and confronted him about this he was so upset and left for a few days and went to his mothers, I called him and he said please give me a few days Im so confused and need to think. So I gave him a week and called him he was a totally different guy! He was rude and said to me tell whoever you want! He said I told my family and its all I care about! I owe you no excuse for being on there! I love him still and would like this not to end my marriage! I know it started in prison! He was 21 when he went! He has only just recently There is no way getting past what has happened not in a way that is going to make me want to be with you in the way you want me to be.Its just not going to happen at this point! What can I do?
It could have started sooner and he wasn't willing to be honest with himself. I highly doubt your marriage will survive this as he told his family and seems to want to be true to who he is and his sexuality.
I am sure that whether or not there is gay rape in prison (and there is of course), or even a gay culture, straight men who experience it still come out of prison as straight men. Sexuality is pretty deeply ingrained, it is not much altered by experience. If a person was more or less in the middle of the spectrum already (i.e., not "100% gay" or "100% straight" but somewhere in between) it might look like a gay experience made them gay or a straight experience made them straight, but the underpinnings had to be there already. As quiet says, he might have been interested before he went to prison, but due to family pressure or some other reason, just had not explored it or come out. Try to stop pressing him to still be your husband if he does not want to, it will just alienate him. He might continue to be your friend if you are supportive, but if you insist on not believing him when he says he does not want to be in a heterosexual relationship, you are refuting something he feels very strongly, and I'm afraid it won't work.
I do not see any way of saving a marriage in which sexual preferences differ so much. I am sorry to have to say that, but there is no reason the two of you can't remain friends, and enjoy private sex lives with partners of your choice. Know for yourself that this is not your fault. And know that you cannot change him. If he wants to change, he must do so on his own. Prayers for you - Blu
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