Divorce & Breakups Community
Children of Divorce
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to divorce, breakups, anger, child custody, child support, conflict resolution, co-parenting, dating, depression, friends and family, legal, pets, property issues, remarriage, spousal support, and visitation.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Children of Divorce

So I went to this section of the forum to see what there was about divorce. It seems to be all adults discussing their own breakups and divorces. Are there any kids out there who are dealing with their parents' divorce?

I'm 18, and began dealing with my parents divorce somewhere around Thanksgiving. It has been THE hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

I figured I'd see if there are any other kids out there willing or wanting to talk? This post kind of falls under many categories of topics, so I'll just put Anger for now.
Related Discussions
9 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
In the teens and early 20s, we're biologically programmed to be separating from the original nuclear family in which we were raised and striking out on our own, but we do so with the certainty that the home is still there, just in case, or to provide a touchpoint as we move along in our lives.  Some writers see the parents divorcing at this time as the worst time, since a littler kid still has a home with one parent or the other (or both), but for a young adult, home is suddenly swept away.  I think it was at least a decade before I stopped wishing that my dad and mom would get back together (and this was in the face of obvious cues such as my dad's second marriage.)  It was pretty much the end of a really close relationship with my dad, he turned into more of someone like a nice uncle.  (He later said that if he had realized how much he would lose in terms of the relationship with his kids, he might have fought harder to keep my mom from divorcing him.)  I don't think it would have been inevitable that he and I had that change in our relationship, but he was not the emotional center of the household that my mom was, and he didn't have the gift for making nice little Christmas gatherings and things like that for the kids.  (He also married someone very jealous of his time, and of his ex-wife, so we could not all socialize in the same events.  And she changed the locks on the house where we grew up, and not so much later, sold it.)  I don't know if parents are aware that in their rush to self-actualization and searching for new more exciting lives, they are dumping their kids into the emotional crapper, but I sure made up my mind I would never do that as a result of the experience of seeing my dad and mom's (what I thought was pretty solid) 21-year marriage end.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I am somewhat similar in the aspect that my relationship with my dad has gone down the drain. Its almost as if he doesn't really care. I call him over and over and email him (since he said he prefers email over calls...which seems pretty cold to me, seeing as I'm his daughter) And the kicker is, he lives only 10 mins away...Yet I haven't seen him for over 3 weeks. When my parents divorced (which was largely due to my dad's issues) he found it pretty easy I guess to move out and forget about my mom and I. I have older siblings, and he talks everyday to my oldest sister. Its so hard for me to try and understand why he cares about her but not me.

I'm dreading the day either of my parents have a serious girlfriend or boyfriend. I know my dad already does but he has tried (and failed) to keep it a secret. I'm pretty sure he had her before he even moved out.

And what you initially said about how "home" is pretty much swept away from kids who go through divorce at this age...I agree COMPLETELY. Especially when you have to sell the home you grew up in since birth. I swear nothing good comes from divorce.

I'm so glad though that you know that there is no way you will turn out the same way as your parents. Mine divorced (after what I also thought was a solid) 25 years. I'm so afraid I will grow up and find the man I love and get married...and turn out like my parents. I don't WANT to, but I feel like no one can do it anymore. I used to think my parents were so great, but in reality they weren't. I'm afraid to somehow turn out like them not matter how hard I try.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry for all you're enduring, and maybe you could start a forum for young adults enduring divorce.  We can be quick to take divorce personally, when it is no reflection on our parents love for us.  Maybe it hurts your dad too much to talk with you, and keeps up with how everyone is doing via your older sister.  We want to think our parents are perfect and love each other, but they make mistakes too.  It sounds like they were waiting for you kids to grow up to divorce, which is very common, not right or good for the kids but it happens.  As much as you wish your parents were together you have to realize how unhappy they were, and consider their feelings.  None of us know if we will endure a dicorce of our own, you can't hold onto someone who isn't happy and doesn't want to be with the other.  Life is full of ups and downs...I lost both my parents in a car accident whe I was 25, so you learn real fast to make the best of a bad situation.  I would rather have them here and divorced than not have them at all.  Nobody enters a marriage thinking it will end in divorce, but it happens.  You may want to get some therapy to help you cope with this so you can move forward as an adult with your own life.  Life will continue to throw curve balls at you, but it's all about how you handle life's disappointments.  Parents make mistakes which often impact the children greatly, but it's imperative that you accept what is and not let it ruin your life.  Your parents will find love again, they deserve to be happy just as you do.  It sounds like they gave you many good years, be grateful for this and do waht you can to build a relationship with your dad.  You may just need to give him some space for awhile....divorce is always painful for both parents regardless of "why" they are divorcing.  A house is a material thing, and many, many kids are losing their homes with this economy.  All of you are adults and will be moving out and on, and your parents would have probably sold the house anyway with not needing so much room. I'm not taking this lightly, I just want you to not let this hold you back from having a happy life.  You have two loving parents who gave many years to you and your siblings, now they have to do what is right for them with hopes that as adults you and your siblings realize
that it's no reflection on you.  You need to hope that they both find love again so they can be happy.  You will fall in love one day and marry and you don't want either of them being alone.  I know it's tough, but it could be a lot worse....you do still have them both.  Best wishes.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there-----------  I didn't read the other responses yet, so forgive me but I wanted to tell you------- oh the irony.  My parents divorced when I was 18 and told me at Thanksgiving time!  I had left for college and came home for a break from school to this news.  

I think it is incredibly painful when parents divorce at any age.  It hurt me badly that my parents were not going to live in the same home.  It complicated my life in many ways and I can't say that I ever got over that.  It ticked me off.  My father divorced my mother and remarried quickly and I never accepted the new wife (now divorced, of course) and the child they made.  

What did I do?   I married a man that felt like I did about divorce.  We married forever and committed to working out any problems that surfaced.  You will do this too hopefully so you don't have to rip a family apart as divorce does.  

I'm in my 40's and pretty realistic about life.  Divorce often does NOT have to happen. Weak minded people that have mixed up priorities often decide for this option.  This is not to say it isn't the best choice at times-----------  but just being a little unhappy is not reason enough for me to say a couple should divorce after they have kids.  You chose that person and had children with them.  That supercedes having the perfect relationship at times.  And news flash------------ no relationship will ever be perfect.  Often people leave one less than perfect relationship for another and their cycle of divorce continues.  

I'm not trying to offend anyone------------  the divorce rate is staggering in the US.  Some of those divorces are legitimate and some were selfish.  That's all I'm saying.

But alas, this was your parent's choice.  And you must weather through it.  Try to maintain relationships with both and remember, you can use the hurt they caused you in life to carve out what you want yourself for your own relationships.  That makes you quite powerful when you feel powerless right now.

I wish you well.  Divorce hurts-----------  that is all there is to it.  If you get to where you are thinking about it all the time, perhaps speaking to a therapist would be helpful.  Peace.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi,i just wanted to share with you that my parents divorced when i was 16,i am the eldest of 5 and i was the one who saw everything all the rows the fights my mother sleeping on the sofa,even my mother seeing another man behind my dads back,in the end it got so bad that when they finally did split it was a big relief my mother was the one who left the house and i had to raise my sisters so my father could continue to work,i am not saying it wasnt a struggle it was but between us all it worked,we were all much happier because the arguing and fighting had stopped we all still kept in contact with our mother,and it made me a stronger person for it,20 years on even my mother and father are friends and we all in our own ways are close,but the closest thing about all this is my 4 sisters and me,we have such a stronge bond that noone will ever break it we went through hard times together and we got through it together and it is the same now we are all older with our own children,we call ourselves the nolan sisters.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
cheshchesh speaks for many where divorce came as a relief to the kids involved.  Things like this should make us stronger and to realize that life isn't always perfect, and often life throws curve balls at you...but you make the best of it.  Great strength and emapthy is derived from our experiences and we should grow to be a better person because of it all.  cheshchesh it sounds like your family grew from all of this, and are stronger and closer as a result, and turned out to be well adjusted adults....good for you!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
mammo,thank you for your kind words,it was really hard at the time but as i said we made it,and we are all very happy myself and my 4 sisters are all married with children which are our lives but we never forget each other,and will always be there for each other,the clossness we have is overwhelming,so whilst divorce can be hard so much good and strength can also come out of it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I couldn't agree more with you.  Divorce is never easy, but how you handle it says a lot about your character and the ability to make something  positive out of such a bad situation.  I'm glad all of you held on and are happy! Take care.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Its good to hear from other people, especially adults. Thank you for sharing all of your stories and feedback. Much, much appreciated.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am 15 now (pretty much 16 less than one month) and my parents have been divorced since the summer of 2010. To make things worse my mom has sold the house that I grew up in and I have only a few days before I can no longer enter it. My dad was the cause of the divorce, but has been the most calm and understanding of the two. Plus my mom is acting like a complete idiot and is making things ways harder on me and my older brother than they have to be. She does these stupid things to try and "get back" at my dad but they hurt my brother and I the most. I currently am living with my dad and older brother. However my dad has a girlfriend and cheated with her on my mom. He is now tying to force her on me, which is not settling well with me. My dad has bought a new house for me, my brother, and him to live in. However his new girlfriend and her children will probably be living with us in 5-10 months. Wih the realization of losing my childhood home and the inevitable situation of living wih my dads girlfriend I have developed a loathing for my father. However my mother will no longer be able to accommodate me as she will be moving in with my terminal grandmother and grandfather in a nursing home/ apartment complex. I also have no family wihin 600 miles of my current residence. So I am basically stuck in all directions.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  I'm so sorry to here this.  Divorce certainly upsets the apple cart so to speak, doesn't it?  Kids are often the casualties of parents that can't make their marriage work or don't want to.  You'll find a lot of adults here that will give you their perspective of why they wanted divorce and why they thought it was better for their kids and how everyone adjusted just fine, etc. etc. etc.  And that is all true and from that point of view.  I'm a woman in my 40's now and married but when I was in college, my father divorced my mom.  Lasting affect it had on me to say the least.  I also counseled many adults that come from broken homes and it is undeniable that the break up of a family can cause pain, grief and damage to the kids involved.  

I will tell you that we get two chances at family----- the one we are born into and the one we create.  When I married my husband, I found a man that felt like I did-------  that marriage was a permanent commitment.  My dear husband is a conservative Catholic man that feels divorce is a sin and hey . . . I DON'T feel that way at all myself but I'm not about to argue with him!  I'm glad he sees it that way.  I don't think divorce is something bad as sometimes it is necessary------  but I also know that I don't ever want it to happen to me.  Because my husband and I see marriage as a forever thing, we are safe to work out our problems without the fear that either will jump ship before it is done.  We work harder because we know that we are together forever, so why not make it as happy as possible and sort out any issues??  So------  that is my long about way of telling you how divorce affected me-------  that I look at marriage as a permanent state and I'd never want to disrupt the lives of my kids.  You can create the same kind of home when you are an adult and not have divorce touch your life again.

So, you can not control the adults in your life-------  and this is a period of time in which you will have to survive.  Be polite to all and if you have difficulty with your emotions-----  ask your father if insurance would provide for a therapist for you to talk to.  Your dad sounds like he IS trying to be there for you by buying a home for you to live in-----  and understand, I'm sure he didn't mean to create this situation for YOU.  He just felt he was doing the best thing for himself.  

When it comes to a new girlfriend------  I mean this with my whole heart----- try to be polite and not hate her just because you aren't ready for her to be in your life or that important to your dad.  If they do marry-------  you don't want to start a situation of hard feelings that never go away.  When two people first get together------  they act like that new relationship is the most important thing in the world.  Well, those people that came before the new relationship (IE: you and your brother) resent this new 'thing' that seems to be put above you.  Try not to look at it that way.  Remember that your dad does love you and HIS desire ultimately, I am sure is for all of you to get along.  Again, if this seems to hard and anger, sadness, resentment are getting in the way, ask your father about a therapist to talk to.  And keep a journal that is just for you to write your feelings in.  

Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time and I hope that you are able to move past this and find that the new situation will be okay afterall.  Peace.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am 15 now (pretty much 16 less than one month) and my parents have been divorced since the summer of 2010. To make things worse my mom has sold the house that I grew up in and I have only a few days before I can no longer enter it. My dad was the cause of the divorce, but has been the most calm and understanding of the two. Plus my mom is acting like a complete idiot and is making things ways harder on me and my older brother than they have to be. She does these stupid things to try and "get back" at my dad but they hurt my brother and I the most. I currently am living with my dad and older brother. However my dad has a girlfriend and cheated with her on my mom. He is now tying to force her on me, which is not settling well with me. My dad has bought a new house for me, my brother, and him to live in. However his new girlfriend and her children will probably be living with us in 5-10 months. Wih the realization of losing my childhood home and the inevitable situation of living wih my dads girlfriend I have developed a loathing for my father. However my mother will no longer be able to accommodate me as she will be moving in with my terminal grandmother and grandfather in a nursing home/ apartment complex. I also have no family wihin 600 miles of my current residence. So I am basically stuck in all directions.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  You just repeated your original post.  
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Divorce & Breakups Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA