Depressed/Obsessed with Ex

Hey everyone, I'm pretty much at my wit's end and have found that I have no passion for my work, I don't enjoy family and friends, and am having severe self esteem problems.

It should be a good time professionally for me, but I can't get over my failed relationship of almost 5 years. It's been 5 months since she ended it permanently while at the same time moved on with someone else - this guy, while not a "friend", was someone I had known since high school, and honestly someone i had always gotten along when I would see him out. I also lost a friend who was friends with me, but apparently was better friends with him too. This guy also lives in my neighborhood, I'm sure I've passed him atleast twice in the park walking my dog. I *think* he's a firefighter, so he also works litterally down the block at the firestation. This past friday I'm pretty sure I saw Ex as I drove by to go to the store, walking to her friends car parked on the street.

While it sounds like he's more the problem, I really couldn't care less about him. It's akward and embarressing because of the similar friends he has I used to have, but more importantly it's a harsh reminder of how she is so happy, so quickly and easily, and literally around the corner! I don't understand how someone can just do that without a second thought. I relive memories about us lucidly, and snap into reality sad that I can never experience that again. I am doing my best to avoid any and all obsessing about her, I don't check his or her "profiles" on the web, I don't try and check up on her with anyone - though I don't have many friends in general. But I can spend minutes thinking about what she and him are doing, and how much more she is enjoying herself with him than with me in various things.

I've moved on from blaming myself to anger about mistakes she made. Most of all I can't get over the last few conversations we had where she kept asking me "why now?" repeatidly when I told her that I really did love her, and wanted us to get married, though  2-3 weeks earlier she felt the same. So I now have little faith in the idea of love as well, seeing successful relationships more of a convenient, formulaic activity.

I don't mean rant. But I guess the biggest blow is that I didn't mean as much to her as I thought, and that I'm easily replaceable by anyone. That thinking has been slowly transferring to every other aspect of my life. I texted her to return some things the other month which I left with her co worker, and was hurt by how kurt and robotic her messages were to me - I was fishing for a second chance, and was trying my best to be normal and friendly. I sent her a text this past weekend b/c I saw her, wondering why out of a million people in our big city did she have to rub it in my face in my neighborhood - she lives way on the other side of town. She said "Please ******, it hurts. I had no hurtful intentions what so ever." in a second message saying "I hurts me that you feel this way"

While I don't want to paint myself as only a victim, I am well aware of the mistakes I commited. But I am not omitting anything that I would have painted me as deserving. While our relationship was rocky in the end, I wasn't cheating on her, never abused her - there is literally no single word explaination for why things went bad. So that's another mind boggling thing that I can't wrap my brain around, and why after months the hurt is still fresh.

Everything just seems so complicated, twisted, and wrong to me. I don't want to lose years of my life because of this, I dont want to spend my nights and mornings going over everything anymore, I don't know what to do.

again, sorry the very detailed long post. but once i started writing, i just couldn't stop.

[Berto999]

any help would be appreciated...

-berto

[slow_healer]

Hey berto, here's my food for thought. It's really heard to just up and move on from a relationship where you really did put your best effort in - mistakes or no mistakes. Your situation reminds me a lot of a bad breakup that I went through. It was similar. We went from talking quite seriously about marriage and kids, to an abrupt breakdown in communication. Before I knew it, I had been replaced by a "much better" girl and the 1 1/2 years I had invested in that relationship were gone - just like that!

It was torture every day to just *not* think about it, or try and reason through all the "why"s. I think before you can really move on, there are a couple things you need to re-learn (and I say re-learn, because when something like this happens that's so emotionally devastating, it's hard to find our good common sense again).

(1) Breakups are devastating to a person's self-esteem - especially the "dumpee". I think largely because you feel like you have no control. The other person went ahead and made this decision without you. So what does that say about you, right? Which leads to...

(2) The reason why she broke up with you probably had very little to do with you. So really that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but it has left you in an emotional mess of sorting out what really went wrong from what you weren't responsible for at all.

Honestly, I would really recommend a counsellor to help you sort through this, because often these feelings are more deeply rooted than in the broken relationship. There's strong reasons why you haven't been able to let go, and if you somehow bandage and move on into another relationship, those reasons will still be there and you might find yourself trapped again.

With my bad breakup, long after we were broken up, I was still trying to "fix" things somehow - things that just couldn't be fixed. I still wanted to make up for whatever went wrong, even though it was clear as day that the relationship was over. I spent over a year seeing a counsellor, twice a month, talking about and sorting through *why* I couldn't let go. Now I feel much more secure in myself and I don't obsess whenever I run into my ex. I am seeing someone new, and though I take the same risk of failure in a relationship again, I'm far more confident that should we find rough waters, I am far better prepared to *effectively* deal with them (instead of panic and react).

Anyhow, there's my long rant. You're definitely not alone in feeling so trapped in the dark post-breakup feelings. Many people have been there. For some, it can take a really long time finding their way out. In my case, having a counsellor for a while really helped to speed up the processing. I was also worried that I was going to waste years of my life feeling depressed, miserable, and mourning the relationship. Just know that it doesn't have to be that way, not forever - good luck!

[ettajean]

Ug, I am so sorry you're upset, but it could be the best thing for you in the long run. (Ask yourself, Come on now, was she really that perfect?) Although I am not currently going through the same thing, I have in the past read a book called 50 ways to love your leaver by Dwight Webb.  It didnt get really good reviews on amazon.com, but I really liked it.  It talked about going through a process similar to when a loved one dies, but adds in the very important part of Forgiveness, not for the other person's benefit, but for your own.  NOBODY is worth ruining/wasting your life over (I'm not saying that you are, but think about what else you could be doing with your time to benefit YOU, or possible someone else in a worse life-situation)  I'm sorry I don't know what else to say, but you definitely got your point across, you have every right to feel the way you feel,  &  and I do wish you all the best...

[Berto999]

thank you, all, for the great insight. I'm taking those small steps and will be seeing a counselor this week, but there's alot that I am still putting myself through, I admit, willingly.

I wrote a long reply right now that i just erased before posting. I read over it and felt a great anxiety take over. B/C I do not want to let go. B/c it was almost like admitting and confirming that it's completely over.

But it is. And I will never talk to this person again...and that's a painful thought. So there are some questions I am forcing myself to ask.

Should I not talk about her anymore, except with a counselor?

And, I have contemplated writing a letter, not to win her back, but in effort to let go. Like it was said I had no control in the end. In our last contact she was walking away and washing her hands of it all and I was desperately pleading for another chance. Telling her for the rest of my life I would always love her.

Would i be being fair to myself, writing this six months later? Or just tricking myself looking for indirect contact with her?

[slow_healer]

If you sent her a letter, I imagine you would still be hoping for some kind of acceptance or reassurance from her. That's not going to give you closure. Like teko said, it will show her how much control she still has over your feelings. Can you really trust her with that?

It can be really difficult to accept that the person once closest to you really is no longer trustworthy - that is, you cannot trust that whatever they say to you is in your best interest (so much as in their own best interest). This is why it's dangerous for you to rely on them for guidance about these unresolved feelings. You are extremely vulnerable to her, but her is not vulnerable to you. If anything, she'll probably tell you whatever would keep you from interfering with her life now. Do yourself a big favour and don't put yourself through that.

I think you've stated what's holding you back - you don't *want* to let go and admit that it's over, even though six months have gone by. Do google the stages the grief. Consider treating this relationship as a loss comparable to a death. It sounds like you gave a lot and truly invested yourself. That would be tough for anyone to let go of (which is why breakups are terrible events for many people). It doesn't have to be this way forever (living in regret like this), but it can happen if you don't figure out how to keep moving forward. Good luck!

[Berto999]

"Can you really trust her with that?"

No... And that's something I had not thought of. I had my chance to tell her what was on my mind 6 months ago, and I didn't take it. But I see the ugly repercussions this could have on me now.

I guess...there's no "I'll show her" moment coming. She's not concerned with me, so I should not be concerned with her validation. I realize that's how I've been living for six months: I was concerned with how her life was, wondering what she was doing. In my mind she was living a perfect 10 life, and because of that mine was the exact opposite.

I'm finally going to speak with someone tomorrow morning. I feel like I've made tiny break throughs in these last months, but I still end up at square one, so I'm hoping this time it's different.

Thank you all for the tough, straight forward, and honest answers. It really did make a difference with me letting go of certain ideas that were not in my best interest.

It's hard to let go, but I admit it: it's over. It's over.

[dad4dezi619]

wow ! almost my exact situation only including a baby. if you find something that works please let me know

[Berto999]

that makes me want to say "wow!" Because I know your situation must be tougher because of a child.

You know, this has been a trying weekend for me. A lot went wrong, real frustrating moments, and huge struggles with self esteem. I felt the only way things would get worse was if I would actually see her strolling by, happy as a clam.

But my talk, not with a psychiatrist or counselor yet, but a nun showed me a few things.

First off, forcing myself to get up in the morning/ clean/ whatever needs to be done, by force I can't be sulking anymore. She also says the longer you're depressed the longer it can last, paths begin to form in your brain and your way of thinking and doing things becomes a pattern and routine. Maybe she's not 100% right when it comes to the science, but in terms of advice it makes sense. And I don't care how crazy it sounds, but at times I need to look in the mirror and tell myself I can get through it, or that I'll finish whatever it is I need for work, or that I'm going to be ok. And I repeat that to myself as many times as I need. Whatever NEEDS to be done, not matter how hard it is the 1st time, I have to force myself to do it three more times, because I don't want to be *stuck* like this.

It's like what slow_healer said, a lot of deep rooted problems are revealed in these kinds of situations. Mine are self esteem issues, so whatever I need to do to prove that I have worth, I'll do it. I'm going to start doing volunteer work too and did the training saturday, b/c if I can't always help myself, I can always help others.

good luck to you, I bet having a baby involved makes everything much much harder.

[jo929]

not many relationships go on without marriage, maybe both of you  thought it would just be a relationship forever, I have found that most people that are in a long relationship,ends up going their own way, also not many peope would wait 5 years before tying the knot.   I do wish you lots of luck  jo

[Berto999]

well....there was talk of marriage, but we were always on diff pages when that happened, there's just no one reason things went sour. (i'm starting to recognize that)

also, we'd been together since age 18. Kids. it sucks that maybe we learned our hardest lessons about relationships with each other... to better prepare ourselves for someone else..........

but that's that the path. and that's ok.  

[obsidianjaguar]

hey im there as well.. broke up nearly a year ago , but still in the stages you describe ... and we have a child , so i often get "reminded" of these thoughts of fixing the relationship.. to add to the problems , even tho she has a new lover  (20 years older than her) We still have sex from time to time ,even tho she says she wants to remain single ... now heres the deal ....
after much thought there seems to be two major aspects in common with what you describe , and what I experinced.

1.  The feelings "have found that I have no passion for my work, I don't enjoy family and friends
, and am having severe self esteem problems
these are classic reactive depression type symptoms , for me it was these that first led me to treatment , as if left untreated , yes they will spiral out of controll.. the whole Forcing your self to do stuff will definatly help , but what happens when it gets so bad you cant find the passion to even force yourself nymore?"  perhaps the whole anti-depression medication thing is over suggested in todays socity , but they can directly measure the brain chemisty involved in cases of depression and seritoin and other physical chemicals in the brain are driectly resonsable for these things , including regulation iof sleep and enegry levels ..


2.  the second aspect, that of repeative , unwanted thoughts "But I can spend minutes thinking about what she and him are doing,"
   Im not to sure if in your case this aspect is severe , but in mine , i constaly check her emails , her voicemails , ring her and her new boyfreind to see what they are up to ... have thoughts day and night that she may be having sex with him , it wakes me up with anxitey and the thoughts are so strong that i am compelled to ring tho logically i know it will only anger her , somewhere in my mind i want to let this guy know that im mstill here , that she is still having sex with me frequently , that i am trying to fix my family ... .. but i am perfectly fine when i stay at her house for a few days and we act ike a normal family .. i love being near my son  and sleeping with her and going on family picnicks and so forth , but the monent i go back to my own place i check and check and check to see when she has sex with other people.. she is pretty honest with me about it m if i find out , but she wont bring it up or answr me directly if i ask her , unless i have done my finding out and directly confront her with what i have found ....
anyway my symptoms are probably now progressing into OCD territory withe the repeative thought , and even into complusions wioth the phone calls to her ex and to her freinds ... damn .. as i write this im thinking you probably are starting to feel quite normal right about now ha ha ha