Divorce and an Alcoholic Husband

[momandtheboys]

I've been married 20 years. I have two boys under the age of 11. When we married, I knew my husband drank beer, however, I had been around it all of my life at a small degree and considered it acceptable in my early 20s. I learned about the AA "frog in the boiling water" story and realized it was me. For the past 2-3 years he passes out on the couch before 9pm. When I go on a business trip, his insecurity level rises and its a constant fight. He hit our son last summer and gave him a black eye - and I accepted it as I had never seen it before. I told my son if anyone asks, to just make something up. This year his job was in jeopardy and he began to lash out. A couple months ago I'd had enough and asked him what he wanted. He blew up. He called me names I didn't even know existed. He told me he would kill me, even though I had never heard him speak like that, it terrified me. My kids heard the whole thing. For a month I walked around like a zombie, trying to figure out what to do. Trying to weigh the 20 years and not knowing how this all came about, until I rejected an advance from him. He left and came back several hours later, completely intoxicated and very verbally abusive. I had to call for family help. In the meantime I had an escape for my kids, if he ever did this again. They were ready at the drop of a hat to crawl through the window when I signaled, and run to a family member. It didn't come to that, but it was there and they were ready. That night the kids and I left. The next morning I took them to school. And my husband called. He played the trump card. He admitted he was an alcoholic and was going for help. And he did. He went to a few meetings, he's in an apartment, he's dropped 20+ pounds, he looks pitiful, and he wants me back. He wants his life back. I can't give it. I filed for a divorce the same week I left. But he's wearing me down. I tell people not to judge me until they've walked a mile in my shoes. Advice would be so helpful. Thank you.

[teko]

Well, I would say to you, how do you feel about divorcing?  20 years is a long time but at the same time, it all boils down to what you want to do.  I would not even consider it until he proves himself, and that will take time.  It would have to be a no drinking period, under any circumstances, and that depends on your personal feelings before even considering going back.  If your feelings have changed and you no longer are in love with him, then you will have to put your feelings first and foremost. Good luck.

[iam1butterfly]

On the surface, it would appear that he's making a sincere effort to change... a strategical delay tactic to illicit sympathy and support.
But, ask yourself this, if you haven't already... where was this belated and sudden epiphany 20 years ago?

First, he controlled and beat you down through abusive behavior.
Now, when that has exhausted its effectivness... he's "wearing you down" with self pitying promises of change and improvement. And, I suppose that that's supposed to undo all the damage that he's inflicted.
This is an obvious attempt to manipulate and hold you firmly in your "hell hole."
Has he cried, yet?

Make no mistake about it, both approaches are powerfully effective; emotionally charged; psychologically destructive and spiritually draining.
Do you really want to gamble away what ever chance you have at a better life for you and your boys by staying with this parasite?
Haven't you and your sons had enough of him? Sure, he may never give your son another black-eye... but, what of the black-eye of your child's spirit and soul?
That hurt doesn't go away... and, "sorry" doesn't make it better.

No, I haven't walked in your shoes; but, my mom has... for the last 59 years!
So, I've seen your hell from the impressionable eyes of a child of an alcoholic father. My dad hit rock bottom with the bottle; and has been a recovered alcoholic since the early 1980s. Only now, he's a sober manipulating, abusive, and controlling jerk!

My advice to you: THINK! then, do what's right for yourself and your sons.

Take care.

[erbub1]

Hi there
I have to say reading your post I hud to look twice as I thought I had written it....I too have been married 20 years, and I am married to a beer drinking "alchoholic" and I also have 2 kids except I have one of each and they are older, my son is 19 and my daughter is 20....I have been having a struggle of a different sort.....we have always both worked full time but I always made substantially more than him....except as the economy dove so did my career and I was laid off.....since that point my husband has a new angle of arguments and now I am called lazy and not helpful and you probably can figure out the rest.....Since I was laid off he has taken over control of the money and I literally have to ask him for a penny, which If I need anything it has to wait until he comes home from work and then it almost never goes down without a fight......I truly believe he loves the control over me..., however I still have not left this mess as I still have a soft spot in my heart....except I can not stand the abuse.......he constantly throws the negatives up ib my face and now that I am not working he seems to be the "perfect" one of the family and never does anything wrong....even his drinking is justified because he works and therefore has a right to spend money on beer...and I am entitled to nothing even though for 19 years I have briught it to the table........I am trying to build up the courage to leave as I refuse to be mentally beaten anymore.......so I am stick also.....

[sammy73]

My suggestion is - don't make any irreversible decisions quite yet.  It's too soon.  Well, how long has it been, you don't say how long ago you left?  If you have given him the shock he needed to sort his life out, and he genuinely commits to it, there may be hope for both of you yet.  You may get back the man you once had and loved.

Tell him you need time, and you need him to take his time.  You need to live separately for a while, and he needs not to hassle you about getting back together during that time.  Maybe you should set a time limit on it - you won't even discuss getting back together for a certain number of months, but neither will you push forwards with the divorce proceedings.

It'll be harder for him to recover if he's living on his own, and depressed about the state of the marriage, but that's a good thing - if he can make progress in recovery under these conditions, it shows he can recover on his own and isn't dependant on emotional support from you to make it happen.

Get in touch with Al-Anon - a group related to AA, providing support to people whose lives are affected by having a spouse or relation who is or has been alcoholic.

Oh, and be aware (if you do eventually get back together) that being part of AA is something that people get involved in for life, attending regular meetings, sponsoring newer members, going to conferences.  If he sticks with the program, a percentage of his time, his attention, his life, will be dedicated to AA, and you'll need to accept that and allow him that.

[erbub1]

Hi there thanks for the mail you left me and I am actually blown away at the fact that our lives mirror each other sooooooo much.....I to am the one married for 20 years 2 kids ,alcoholic husband...except I am not a good one to give you advice as I am dealing with the same almost EXACT scenario, tonight he came home from work and went off on me because I drove 18 miles to visit a friend (that he just so happens to not like) and I should be finding a job and not flooting around like I have all the time and money in the world and now he is saying he is going to disable the cars so I can not get around...what to do, he is trying sooo hard to control me and it makes me want to wretch..his perfect life for me would be for me to be in this house cleaning all day and having no contact with the outside world at all and he is so wrong in thinking for a minute that I would do that, I love people and I want a life, and either he can join in or take off, I am tired of being on a roller coaster and competing with a beer can......

[las03]

I can understand where you are coming from. I was in a situation just like yourself. My fiance of 15 yrs also is an alcoholic. We fought daily about you name it. He would find and make ways to argue. And the mental and verbal abuse is unbearable!!! We have a 13 yr that seen and heard it all. He even would tell her that her mother is a b**** and that we should both burn in hell, He would punch holes in the walls push us. Thank god he never hit us but did push and shove us. He would drink a case and a half of beer a day. Finally after losing his job and I was ready to walk out he went to a rehab on got sober. Now he is very sorry for his drinking and has been clean and sober since this past Feb. Things were going great for us and he was trying to make up for lost time. So, it can happen. AA and Alanon meetings to help. I go to one myself every week. Just remember they have to do it. You can not do it for them. Now my only problem is he has been having an affair over the internet. So, I got over one huge hurdle and I'm on to my next.

[jewelscute1]

Wow.  Good luck.  I can't offer advice, just that I hope that it is not me in 20 years, with the same alcoholic abusive guy.  Me dreaming about people like you is the reason that I got out (so many times).  If I was in that situation, since he is doing great, make him prove himself.  Give him a time limit of sobriety BUT then again, once an alcoholic ahole, always an alcoholic ahole.  Good luck...