Divorce

I'm going through a divorce, my husband has moved out. I don't want the divorce, I love him and want to make it work. He tells me he loves me to and is committed to our marriage. He stopped being committed to our marriage when he filed for divorce! He wants to go to marriage counseling and try to save our marriage, while the divorce is in place, and if he sees progress, he might stop the divorce. I don't think that's right. I go through so many emotions every day, I don't know if the pain will ever go away. I don't think he has any intention of stopping the divorce. I feel like he's playing with my emotions! I get so angry and want to lash out at him, is this normal to feel this way?

[AUSTIN431]

absolutely  i agree it doesn't sound like he has any plans of stopping the divorce it does sound like he's trying to use it to control you so why waste time with marriage counseling ? i would say your time would be better spent in your own counseling to work out your feelings about your divorce and soon to be ex and to move past your anger just because you still love and want to be with him doesn't mean that you let him take of advantage of you and your feelings for him if he wanted to work things out then he already moved out he could have put off filing for divorce until he saw how the counseling was going instead of holding it over you head like that what is it if you do bad that day in counseling he doesn't like what you have to say then the divorce is still on? or if you take all the blame and promise to change he might do you the honor of giving you a chance to be his wife again is that how it would work? because thats what it sounds like he wants it to be to me divorce doesn't work like that and you can't rebuild a marriage like that either you both have to be working towards solving your problems and rebuilding trust he can't be telling you well maybe i think about if i like what i see i'll consider stopping the divorce he already has both feet out the door work on you and let him work on him on his own that's what divorce means your not together anymore you have nothing to work on as a couple only as two separate people

[specialmom]

Hi Jen.  I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.  That is always a really hard time and so painful.  I hope you have lots of support around you to lean on.  Make sure you are kind to yourself as right now, you need TLC.

I guess my main question is what do YOU want here?  Do you want to reconcile with him and try to work on this marriage?  If you do, I think you can say that you want to put the divorce on hold-----------  have it be more of a seperation in which you try to work on the issues.  Stop the process of divorce by postponing it.  This does make sense to me and what I think I'd ask from him.

Seperated would mean that you still live seperately but are not proceeding with the legalities of the divorce at that time.  

So, I don't know if that is what he is offering to do and what you really want is for him to move back in and say "no divorce" and work on it from there.  I think that if you really want to reconcile with him, the seperation and working on things is what I'd do.

But what is it that you really want?  Are you ready to be divorced or do you want to try one last shot?  If you love him, try.  good luck

[mammo]

I think you're husband is playing games in the way he is handling this.  If he's already filed for divorce his mind is made up.  I would tell him to do what he feels he must do, because at this point he's toying with you.  I think if he has any feelings left and an inkling of wanting this marriage to work, once he thinks you are letting him go...he will reconsider the divorce.  You cannot stay on this emotional roller coaster, eventually it will all catch up with you.  I think he is enjoying this game he has created and men will move mountains when they want to be with you.  Right now he is calling all the shots, you decide that since he has already filed for divorce to go on with it.  At least this ends his game, the emotional roller coaster for you and it will give him something to think about.  If he thinks he's lost you....he may decide that's not what he wants afterall.  I know several couples who remarried after a divorce, so divorce is not always final.  Right now he can toy with your emotions because he knows how much you love him, take away that confidence and see what happens.  If he walks away, it was going to happen anyway.  I am so sorry for all you're enduring, I know how difficult it is.  I wish you peace and happiness.

[Jen310]

Yeah, he told me in our last counseling session to weeks ago, that he holds all the cards and I just sat there and cried. I devoted 13 years of my life to him and gave him two beautiful children and for him to treat me this way, is unbelievable to me. I really thought he was my soul mate, their was no one else for me. This last week, I was feeling lonely and vulnerable, and I invited him over and we had sex, and I felt really close to him, and things were good for about two days and it all came crashing down, and I all I could do is cry. I was at my lowest breaking point! I decided at that point, regardless of how much I love him and want to save our marriage, its not right for me to beg him to stop the divorce, and come back home. I didn't want to accept that he filed for divorce, moved out and changed everything in his name, because he was telling me that he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He was telling me one thing and doing the complete opposite. That day when I broke down, I realized that he had moved on with his life, and I needed to do the same. I needed to stop communication with him unless it pertained to our kids. It hurts so much though, I wake up almost every night, thinking about him, I want so bad to call or text him, but I know if I do, I will end up back in the cycle of getting hurt. Yeah he said to me even if the divorce goes through, we can always reconcile. My feelings on that is that if he doesn't try to save our marriage so it doesn't end in divorce, that it wasn't that important to begin with. Why should I have to go through all this pain and put our children through all this pain of a divorce to marry him again, if he didn't try the first time. I don't feel like he's trying. I don't know if its a control thing or if he's seeing someone else, or both. But I can't continue on the emotional rollercoaster!

[Jen310]

My reason for going to marriage counseling, this was the last thing that I could do to try to save the marriage. We have two small kids together, and if this divorce went through, I know that I did everything that I could do to try to save the marriage. It's so hard to sit in counseling with him, he just wont get off this power trip! He tells me and the counselor that he's holding the divorce in place because he's drawing a line in the sand! That's not love, it's him using it as leverage to get what he wants. I know it's hard for some people to understand why I would want to stay, I would only want to stay with him if he stops playing these games, and stops trying to control the situation. I have told him that I need to move on, and he was like why do you feel that you need to move on. So even though he filed for divorce and moved out, I can't move on with my life! I feel like he wants me to sit here and beg him to come home and cry over him, I did that in the beginning, but I'm not doing that anymore. People file for divorce when they want to end their marriage, they don't file to make a point, or if you do this, I might consider stopping the divorce. I think I have come to accept that this divorce is going to go through no matter what I do, and I need to stop putting myself out there to get hurt over and over.

[specialmom]

Well Jen, you've been with him a long time and he is the father of your children.  Only natural that you are struggling with moving on and figuring out what is going on here.

I will say that I don't really think he is playing games.  That is my gut reaction to what you've written.  I think he too may be confused.  It is a change for all.  He may genuinely miss you and be unsure at times of what he is doing.  

I will also say that many who are in divorce proceedings take a break from it and try to recover the relationship if they have doubts.  As you probably have school age kids with him, I'd be inclined to consider it.  But that doesn't mean you have to do it on his terms.  You can ask him to postpone the divorce and that you begin therapy together.  Maybe he does still live seperately from you (probably better right now) but you'd give it that last chance to work out.  I think that I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he too is working on his emotions of moving on past your life together.  I really would.  

So, then you must protect your own self.  Obviously, having him come in and out and sometimes having sex isn't going to keep you strong.  So, offer him to work on it if you want to but on your terms------- not his.  Keep friendly with him either way for the sake of your kids.  And if it is indeed too much emotionally for you to handle, then maybe you've reached your limit of wanting to figure it out and it is time to quietly agree to the divorce and move on.  

And if you don't do counseling together, break up, etc. then perhaps some therapy for you alone would help you through this.  good luck

[Jen310]

Yeah, I do want to try to reconcile, and I've asked him more than once to stop the divorce. I do want him to come back home, but I'm willing to take one step at a time to make sure that we don't rush into things to fast. But he's repeatedly told me that he won't stop the divorce. He says he's keeping the divorce in place as a way to draw a line in the sand. I see it as control. This is a way for him to control the situation. Our marriage counselor suggested to him to take the divorce off the table so that we can really work on our marriage and he refuses. I feel like he's on a power trip and he doesn't care about my feelings at all. This was a person that I saw as my best friend and soul mate, and it's so hard for me to understand how he can be so cold and heartless. I have spent many hours crying, and emotionally, I'm drained. He says he loves me and his committed to our marriage, he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me.I don't understand him! I have been in denial about everything that was going on, I didn't want to believe that he really wanted a divorce, so part of me trying to let go was that I took off my ring, and when he saw that I took it off, he was hurt. But he still wears his ring, to him, it's like if he still wears his ring, he's still committed! I don't want this divorce, but I can't be the only one trying, and I feel like I am. If he continues to refuse to stop the divorce proceedings, I will get to a point where I will just throw my hands up and walk away and I won't look back.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Okay--------------  this is what it sounds like to me.  There were issues in his mind that were deal breakers and while talk of fixing them may have happened in the past, it was never fully dealt with.  His comment of drawing a line in the sand does actually make sense to me.  He is saying he is NOT playing here and is serious that this relationship needs significant help.  

I'm being honest and sincere as to what I would do if I were you (and of course, I'm not----- so take it for what is worth).  If you do want to reconcile--------------  stop the having him over casually stuff but tell him that you will go to counseling with him.  Meet at the therapists office.  Then meet once or twice a week for coffee or something to talk.  Yep, why not?  Don't you wonder what a therapist would uncover?  Maybe there is hope, maybe there is not.  It will be more clear if meeting to do therapy together.  So, I'd do it.  Period.  Also good to understand what he saw the problems as and what you saw them as and what a professional would say about it.  And THIS you CAN do even if the divorce is still on.  Maybe if you make progress during therapy, he stop the divorce.  

I think from reading this------------  he is telling you that he wants real change in the relationship and to be sure of it or he isn't coming back.  If you agree that real change is necessary----------  why wouldn't you go to therapy with him? In ALL honesty, I would do it if it were me.  good luck dear.

[specialmom]

By the way, what kinds of issues did you have as a couple?

[Jen310]

Trust, communication. When we would get into arguements, I would get to a point when I just needed time to cool off, and he wouldn't give me that time, he would follow me around the house and push me to talk when I didn't want to talk anymore, and I would get so angry and lash out at him. I feel like he wasn't respecting my boundaries and giving me the time I needed and when I would blow up, and he would turn it around on me and say I had anger issues. I understand where he is coming from with the divorce but at the same time, if he really loves me and wants to try to make this work, he can stop the divorce for a certain amount of time so we can work on things, divorce, lawyers and judges will still be there if at a certain point, divorce is the only option. But holding this divorce in place is his security. All while this is going on, we have court dates, lawyers, financial situations, and custody situations that were dealing with. I have been in individual counseling working on myself, but I feel like he's keeping his wall up. We have been going to marriage counseling. He's the one that said in counseling that he holds all the cards. That's control, and I refuse to let anyone control me. But again, he wants to put all the blame on him, and I don't hold all the balme. We have been through alot, and I have stood by his side, and I never filed for divorce, even sometimes when I thought about it. There were times when I would take the kids and leave for a short period of time when things got to bad, but I would come back and work on things with him. That's what you do when you love somebody. He didn't just move out and say lets have a seperation to work things out, he filed and has moved on, but I'm supposed to stay by his side and stay committed? I will continue to go to marriage counseling, but there is nothing that I can do or say that will change his mind.

[specialmom]

Hon, your last post explains a lot.  Maybe I'm off base but am just going by your words, but your relationship sounds quite volatile.  Lots of fighting and both of you handling it inappropriately.  I get mad at my husband and we may fight but it is not a regular thing and I've never left for a few days with my kids.  I've only had one friend in my adult life that did that.  See what I am saying?  Sounds like the relationship wasn't healthy and probably hard on everyone------------ including your kids.  

You've gone to marriage counseling to no avail.  You've been together for a length of time that suggests you two could have addressed the issues but still haven't been able to.  Both maybe stubborn?  I don't know.  I relate to what you are saying.  My  husband can take me to an anger point I've not experienced before . . . and I've not handled it well before.  I blew up after prodding from him.  He shouldn't have prodded but my behavior upon his doing so was not healthy.  I worked to change that.  I encourage you to do so as being able to be pushed to the point of explosion is not good.  So, this is an area that it sounds like you must own and fix for all things in the future----- not just this man.

Anyway, my point is that maybe this relationship has run its course.  Maybe he does indeed still love you but wants to end this volatility (his own as well . . . not blaming you).  Maybe he sees that if the household is upset like this that it isn't great for the kids, you or him.  But he is conflicted because he still loves you.

Sometimes love isn't enough.  

I hope I have not offended you but wanted to give you my perspective as a stranger looking in.  I again, only have what you have written to base my words on so I could be all wrong.  But I am indeed wondering if your issues can be resolved at all as you've tried in the past and it hasn't worked.  

Ugh.  I hate writing that as I know divorce is NOT what you want.  I wish I had an answer for you hon.  I really do.  It pulls at my heart strings when a family breaks up.  But it does sound like you've tried and things never got better.  I wish you so much luck and peace.

[Jen310]

It's just so hard to let go when you love someone so much, someone that you have so much history with. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. If his feelings for me were genuine, I don't understand how he can just turn off his feelings for me. I really think there is someone else. But he denies it. He won't admit it. He doesn't call me, or text me or make an effort to spend time with me. He wouldn't come clean, not while the divorce is pending, it wouldn't look good. Yes, we have had our share of problems in our relationship and I'm willing to do what I need to do to make our relationship a healthy one, but when he filed and moved out, I took that as he's done. It's hard to be working under a time frame of 6 months to repair a 13 year relationship. I told him that I don't think that our relationship will be repaired in 6 months and he tells me at least it's a start. You know, if he just came to me and said he was unhappy and wanted out, I could respect that and accept that it was over, but he's done all these things and continues to tell me how much he loves me and is committed to me, but treats me like I'm a stranger and when I try to communicate with him, he always says, we can talk later. I feel like he blows me off, and is stringing me along. My heart can't take it anymore. I love him alot but I won't take all the blame and I can not be the only one trying to save our marriage. I trust in god, and I believe that whatever happens, does happen for a reason even if I can't understand that reason right now. I appreciate your input, I'm open and willing to look at what other people have to say about the situation.

[specialmom]

Jen, the end or near end of a relationship is really hard.  We second guess everything, we are mad, sad, hurt, missing them, hating them, suspicious, etc.  I think you are having normal emotions about this.  

My only point is------------  if you have been married 13 years, problems have been clearly stated between the two of you, even some work was started by going to therapy together to resolve them-----------  but things haven't gotten better~~~  one must ask why?  Either they aren't ever going to get better or one or both parties didn't give their full effort.  Could your husband be telling you that he doesn't think you've given your full effort and unless he sees proof that you will, he is giving up?  That he says he's proceeding with the divorce right now regardless because he doesn't think you will try-----------  and your saying you WON'T try unless he stopps the divorce lives up to that?  I just wonder that and by no means am blaming you for the divorce.  I'm sure he's got many faults and has done wrong in the relationship.  

He may be malicious and playing with you but to me he just sounds fed up and ready to act on that yet still conflicted because he still loves you too.  

Maybe there is someone else and he is unsure of his feelings for them------- so he wants to leave the door open to come back.  But . . . I would think something would surface to indicate that by now.  

But either way------------ you do sound like this is taking such an emotional toll.  I'm sure it would me too as that feeling of being in limbo and wondering would be overwhelming.  I'd hate that too.  This is something to really consider for your next step.  I still think that you should put things more on your terms.  Tell him that if he wants to work on it--------- 'EXACTLY' what he means by that must be conveyed.  No ambiguous statements but a concrete direction.  Don't mention postponing the divorce--------- ask him what he means by working on it and to spell it out for you.  Puts him on the spot.  If he blows you off a couple of times of being direct about this----------- then assume that you simply must move on and do what you need to do to protect yourself.  Ugh--------- difficult stuff!

[Chloesmeme05]

My question is do you want to maybe waste another 13 years with this man?I was married 36 yrs ...my ex started making it look like I was doing things accusing me of being with other men,saying some real nasty things to me......then it got to be where he was mad at me for watching Tv at 11:30 at night(like thats late)...just stupid things...I left him for awhile came back home I tried he didnt same old crap........One day he showed me some papers for a legal seperation I took them to a lawyer to look at it ended up he wasn't giving me a thing(now remember we had been married 36 yrs)....The lawyer ask me if thats was what I wanted I said no file the divorce papers..........I married him at 17 so this was all I knew.........But the best thing that could ever happened did..I met and fell in love with a wonderful man...we were married June 4th this year....I wish the best for you

[Jen310]

No, I don't want to waste any more time with a person that can treat me the way he's treated me.I met my husband when I was 18, also very young and I had this dream that we would be together forever. So it has been very hard letting go. But he's changed completely and he's not the man that I fell in love with. I've had to ask myself if I was trying to save the marriage for the wrong reasons, and their was a part of me that was. Were you ever scared of the unknown, with getting a divorce, your life, if you would ever meet anybody? I struggle with the unknown of my future! And I know that 13 years that I spent with my husband is nothing compared to 36, but did you struggle with ending your marriage after all those years? Congratulations on meeting a great guy, and your new marriage.