Divorcing Codeine Addict

I have recently (within last 2 weeks) found out that my husband is addicted to codeine.  I am wondering what more to expect wanting a divorce.  It's not that I'm just ready to bail because it's getting a little hard, I'm ready to get out because it's not ever really been what I want in a marriage and only found out after I had reached the end that codeine addiction and/or pain killers was part of our relationship.  I know when I first met the man who became my husband that he had "issues", I was sure I loved him and could prove to him that I was someone he could "trust".  Years went by, and I had an annual to semi-annual breakdowns - no connection - physical or emotional - and I got the standard "I'll work on it, I'll think about it" and there I was a year or less later with the same issues.  finally, 12 years later I said I was done.  I then for various reasons decided to look at his email account and temporary internet files.  I found for 2006 & 2007 almost $4000 each year in Codeine Phosphate and porn at least once a week.  Meantime I hadn't had sex since 2004!  I couldn't understand, I didn't know there were drugs involved, I thought it was just unresolved issues.  Now I'm getting "emotional blackmail".  I can't do this anymore, I have gone to therapy for myself - not as a wife of an addict, but realizing that before I can work on our marriage I needed to work on myself. I learned what I needed, where my boundaries were etc.  Well, no more could my boundaries by breached and I called an end.  What I am getting now is so confusing, I'm just looking for help to get me through the end.  I have done enough work on myself to know I won't (hopefully) make the same mistake, but in the meantime, this codeine laced thinking is so foreign to me, I'm confused.    I wish him success in getting on with his life, etc.  I just can't do it anymore, I've been trying and trying for years and years - I have no more left.  How can I get out without making it worse?

[Downhearted]

Wow, what a ride you've been on.  As a recovering alcoholic of 12 years I can certainly sympathise.  You have to do what's right for you.  He is in addiction and there's nothing you can do about it.  He will carry on doing what's always done until he hits his own rock bottom, which could be weeks or even years and you deserve to receive the love and nurturing you have missed out on.  You can't save him, only he can.  Alanon is great and you may like to consider going along to check it out.  He may try every trick in the book to get you to stay and use endless emotional blackmail.  You just have to be strong and go.  It may even save his own life as he will be forced to face up to his demons whereas with you still there he can try and kid himself everything is okay.  It's time for you to live.  Counselling will help you find out who you really are, as you have been living with his addiction and that has consumed your life.  I bet you don't know who you are anymore and what you like.  Take a chance and go out and find out.  You'll love what you find.  It will be hard, change always is, but through pain comes strength.  Good luck.

[codeinewife]

Downhearted.  Thank you.  Your kind words are helpful.  I will continue with my therapy and Alanon.  In the meantime, I will just try to buck up and get ready for what's coming.  Thanks again.  

[Killerpain]

An issue that you "mentioned in passing", is as big an issue as the addiction in my opinion,

"Meantime I hadn't had sex since 2004!"

No sex in a marriage is abandonment and a deal breaker.

You have reasons for the separation.  

Do it wisely, protecting your bank account, etc.