Hello, I am sure a million and one fed-up spouses ask this question but here I am yet again asking myself and all of you... Do I stay or do I ... go? And How?
I have been married for 10 years to what they call a functioning alcoholic. We have two children together, our son is 6 and our daughter is 5. My husband drank prior to our marriage so I was not blind getting into our marriage just a fool. However, his drinking has gotten worse and the fear of getting hit is no longer just a fear. Two weeks ago.. he struck me for the first time. (chipped a tooth) he has always called me every name in the book and threatened to "knock me out" but he did it, he hit me and the act of him hitting me hurt worse than the hit itself. I never believed that he would do it... Before everyone goes on a tirade telling me to call the police and so on... I know now that I should have called the police, but I didn't so that ship has sailed. When I attempted to call the police that night... my phone flew into the wall and I was terrified of him waking the kids up and them seeing any of this. But what is done is done... My question is what to do now? I do not work and have not for 6 years... since the birth of our son. That night is stuck in my head and no matter the amount of apologies I hear, I can not except them. I am not angry anymore, just need to find an out I think. We had two years of mirage counseling and he was dry for a whooping 5 months.. I am tired, fed up, unemployed and terrified of what it means to actually send him packing. I do not even know how that conversation starts...
So it begins. Unfortunately, since I have been in an abusive relationship, I am might be more pessimistic than some. I fear this is the beginning of a very bad road if he has already been verbally abusive for this long. I don't know if you want to have/start the conversation about him packing his bags. You may be better off just packing yours and your kids (that's what I had to do) and you can explain that you were a stay at home mom when you begin to try and find work. There are agencies available to help you, don't be too proud to ask them for it. You didn't mention what if any connections you had to friends/family so I can't give you any advice there, but you have friends and family then let them help you too. Please let me know if there is anything else I can tell you or if there is anything I can do.
The problem with me leaving is that we live in a house that I inhereted from my father and it is on land owned by my family. So, he will have to be the one to leave. If it were an option for us to leave him in the house, then my mother would gladly take us in.. She has even offered for the kids and I to move to her house if the need be. She live 200 plus miles away and that is where we have been for a week now. He is under the impression that we will be returning this weekend. I have had drunken phone calls every night with the same BS. Why are you not asleep, who is there, let me ask the kids if you are there... blah blah blah. I am at my wits end... tired and ready for something to change.
JustVal, so difficult. I'm a mother of young children as well age 7 and 6 and have been staying at home with them since they were born. I understand how that can make you feel trapped. The good news? You have assets with the house and property! You also have your brain and everything else you have to offer the world. Do not feel desperate. I know and can fully relate to how scary it is to think of leaving him with no job. But . . . these shouldn't be reasons to stay either.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. This means that as time goes on it IS going to get worse. Now it has escalated into violence. This is not a safe situation for you and your kids. Period. No amount of apologies will make that better as the line has now been crossed. You know he is capable of hurting you and he continues to drink which means this WILL happen again. And he didn't care enough about his actions to make any meaningful change such as admitting the drinking problem and deciding to do something about it.
I think that you are going to have to give him an ultimatum. He either uses your insurance and enters rehab/starts a 12 step program in earnest or you will file for divorce immediately. And you need to start attending al anon meetings right away. You live with an addiction in your home and it is ruining everyone's life. Why did you choose him, why have you stayed throughout it, why did you have two kids with him . . . these are things you must figure out and perhaps a therapist can help you. Otherwise, the pattern can certainly repeat. When you accept someone's issues from the start and continue on for a good bit of time through their destructive behavior----------- it means that something within you is comfortable with it. Most likely due to your childhood or something like that. But it is important to examine it.
So, I'd speak to an attorney via phone in your area. I'd stay put at your mother's for a while. Tell your husband that you don't feel safe with him and he needs to go to rehab and you'be started to attend al anon meetings. Go from there.
And don't be scared. Living with a violent alcholic is much scarier than having to find some sort of job and being on your own. You'll be better off with someone that is unhealthy out of your life . . . and so will your kids. Remember----------- they see, they learn. You don't want patterns in their life to repeat this home life. good luck
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